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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscope for the week of December 3, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're thankful that the firefighters saved your life, but you don't see why their report had to note that you were "sitting around the house!!!" when the fire started.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Buckle up: It's going to be one hell of a bumpy ride. The stars aren't speaking metaphorically here. Wear your seatbelt all week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    We're each the star of our own personal saga, which in your case is actually more of a light-beer commercial.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be a hero for the shortest interval in human history when you push an old lady out of the path of a careening bus and into that of a runaway locomotive.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The sad truth is that you only wear the ape suit to cover the burn scars that cover your twisted frame.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If there's anything happening in your future next week, it doesn't seem important enough to write in the sky.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    In retrospect, you should have wondered why the creepy ventriloquist's dummy was always at the scene of the crime.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll achieve wealth and change your culture forever after coming up with a sitcom plot in which the evil twin is part of a set of triplets.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've once again dodged the annoyance of jury duty, but good luck getting out of your obligation to act as judge and executioner.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You haven't carried out any of the reforms you promised you would, but you'll still be re-elected by a majority of your girlfriends.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll get an incredible sense of personal satisfaction from your new pet, which is why the shocked and disgusted Humane Society workers take it away.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If you never have to deal with angry, drunken Basque separatists who have stolen the Shroud Of Turin again, it'll be too soon.
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