Horoscope for the week of December 3, 2003

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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of December 3, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're thankful that the firefighters saved your life, but you don't see why their report had to note that you were "sitting around the house!!!" when the fire started.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Buckle up: It's going to be one hell of a bumpy ride. The stars aren't speaking metaphorically here. Wear your seatbelt all week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    We're each the star of our own personal saga, which in your case is actually more of a light-beer commercial.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be a hero for the shortest interval in human history when you push an old lady out of the path of a careening bus and into that of a runaway locomotive.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The sad truth is that you only wear the ape suit to cover the burn scars that cover your twisted frame.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If there's anything happening in your future next week, it doesn't seem important enough to write in the sky.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    In retrospect, you should have wondered why the creepy ventriloquist's dummy was always at the scene of the crime.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll achieve wealth and change your culture forever after coming up with a sitcom plot in which the evil twin is part of a set of triplets.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've once again dodged the annoyance of jury duty, but good luck getting out of your obligation to act as judge and executioner.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You haven't carried out any of the reforms you promised you would, but you'll still be re-elected by a majority of your girlfriends.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll get an incredible sense of personal satisfaction from your new pet, which is why the shocked and disgusted Humane Society workers take it away.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If you never have to deal with angry, drunken Basque separatists who have stolen the Shroud Of Turin again, it'll be too soon.