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Horoscope for the week of December 4, 2002

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 4, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Get back to the basics of family this week. Have your mother feed, bathe, and change you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your insurance company insists that it has no obligation to insure you as long as you're still frozen in that block of ice.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will unify the disparate fields of semiotics, mathematics, and behaviorism when you prove that, if our ifs and buts were all candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Avoid making any major business decisions this week, as you'll spend most of it out of your mind on vodka sours.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be terrified next Monday when it seems that the sky is falling, but it's merely the tail end of the Leonid meteor showers. Then comes Thursday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There are no blemishes on your kind, compassionate Virgo soul, but that's more than offset by the ones on your face, hands, and renal system.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be profoundly moved by your experiences in the next few days, but that could mean a whole lot of things.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The great Lions quarterback Bobby Layne will appear to you in a dream and explain why you don't deserve to have Bobby Layne appear to you in a dream.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be caught in the greatest existential dilemma of your life when you are unable to decide if a table or radial arm saw is better for your home shop.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your religion was almost right: Those you vanquished in life are waiting for you in death, but not to serve you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will turn in one of the most heroic and selfless performances of your career next Thursday, but since you're an architect, the details are pretty boring.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your wife, like your jailers before her, still refuses to allow you to have belts or sharp-edged culinary utensils.

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