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Horoscope for the week of December 4, 2002

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of December 4, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Get back to the basics of family this week. Have your mother feed, bathe, and change you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your insurance company insists that it has no obligation to insure you as long as you're still frozen in that block of ice.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will unify the disparate fields of semiotics, mathematics, and behaviorism when you prove that, if our ifs and buts were all candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Avoid making any major business decisions this week, as you'll spend most of it out of your mind on vodka sours.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be terrified next Monday when it seems that the sky is falling, but it's merely the tail end of the Leonid meteor showers. Then comes Thursday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There are no blemishes on your kind, compassionate Virgo soul, but that's more than offset by the ones on your face, hands, and renal system.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be profoundly moved by your experiences in the next few days, but that could mean a whole lot of things.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The great Lions quarterback Bobby Layne will appear to you in a dream and explain why you don't deserve to have Bobby Layne appear to you in a dream.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be caught in the greatest existential dilemma of your life when you are unable to decide if a table or radial arm saw is better for your home shop.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your religion was almost right: Those you vanquished in life are waiting for you in death, but not to serve you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will turn in one of the most heroic and selfless performances of your career next Thursday, but since you're an architect, the details are pretty boring.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your wife, like your jailers before her, still refuses to allow you to have belts or sharp-edged culinary utensils.

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