Horoscope for the week of December 4, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 45

You To Receive 15 Pounds Of Venison Sausage From Uncle

YOUR HOUSE—According to reports from your sister, your uncle has completed this year's batch of venison sausage, 15 pounds of which are now en route to your home. "[Your dad] was going on and on about how he used a different batch of seasonings this year, like cloves," your sister said. "They're thicker this year, too." Upon arrival, the complimentary meat will be placed in your basement freezer below the nine pounds of last year's venison sausage.

Punk Band Has Something Against Local Newscaster For Some Reason

HARRISBURG, PA—Crucial Consensus, a local hardcore punk band, apparently holds a longstanding grudge against Channel 27 newsanchor Rick Wagner. "They opened with this song called 'DickLick Wagner,'" said Brad Gottesman, 17, who attended the group's Tuesday show at the Harrisburg VFW Hall. "Then they played something called 'Phlegm At Eleven,' followed by 'Wankorman' and 'Channel 666.' They really seem to hate the media—especially, for some reason, Rick Wagner."

Surgeon General Mills Recommends Three To Five Servings Of Froot Per Day

WASHINGTON, DC—In a report submitted Monday to the Department of Health and Human Services, Surgeon General James Mills recommended that Americans consume three to five servings of froot per day. "A crunchier, more berrilicious cousin of the fruit family, froot is vital to proper digestion and breakfast fun," Surgeon General Mills said. "Whether you're eating it straight off the vine or, ideally, in its processed 'loop' form, Americans should be sure to get plenty of froot."

FBI Director Wishes He Had Some Alien Thing To Cover Up

WASHINGTON, DC—Tired of focusing on counterfeiting operations and unsubstantiated homeland-security threats, FBI director Robert Mueller said Monday that he wishes he had some exciting alien thing to cover up. "Don't get me wrong, I know the work I do is important and necessary," Mueller said. "But, man, after a long day of reading 450-page reports on plausible areas of concern for liquor-license falsification, I really wish I could order a sweeping cover-up of reverse-engineered UFO technology." Mueller added that it would be cool just to see a real spaceman.

Democrats In Disarray

Having lost control of the Senate and lacking a clear leader and message, the Democratic Party appears to be in disarray. What do you think?

Adventures In Babysitting

For me, unemployment's really not all that bad. I can easily fill the hours with my many hobbies: recording and watching my soaps, reading romance novels, and, of course, shopping! Well, more like window shopping these days, but I still manage to pick up a few small items here and there. For example, Pamida had a great sale on infants' onesies and sleepers, and I spent less than $10 overall!

Mom Tries To Appear Interested In Daughter's Documentary

BOISE, ID—Connie Barstow, 56, struggled Monday to appear interested in her 29-year-old daughter Andrea's just-completed independent documentary, Incident At Round Rock. "Is that you holding that microphone?" asked Barstow, watching her daughter's 94-minute investigation of a racially motivated 1996 beating in a small northern Idaho town. "I think I recognize that purple bracelet you always wear." Connie went on to state that Andrea has a lovely speaking voice and could have narrated the film herself.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 4, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    Get back to the basics of family this week. Have your mother feed, bathe, and change you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your insurance company insists that it has no obligation to insure you as long as you're still frozen in that block of ice.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will unify the disparate fields of semiotics, mathematics, and behaviorism when you prove that, if our ifs and buts were all candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Avoid making any major business decisions this week, as you'll spend most of it out of your mind on vodka sours.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll be terrified next Monday when it seems that the sky is falling, but it's merely the tail end of the Leonid meteor showers. Then comes Thursday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    There are no blemishes on your kind, compassionate Virgo soul, but that's more than offset by the ones on your face, hands, and renal system.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will be profoundly moved by your experiences in the next few days, but that could mean a whole lot of things.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The great Lions quarterback Bobby Layne will appear to you in a dream and explain why you don't deserve to have Bobby Layne appear to you in a dream.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will be caught in the greatest existential dilemma of your life when you are unable to decide if a table or radial arm saw is better for your home shop.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your religion was almost right: Those you vanquished in life are waiting for you in death, but not to serve you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will turn in one of the most heroic and selfless performances of your career next Thursday, but since you're an architect, the details are pretty boring.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your wife, like your jailers before her, still refuses to allow you to have belts or sharp-edged culinary utensils.
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