Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your life will be lauded by parents' groups for containing no sex, drugs, profanity, violence, or adult situations.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Though he appreciates the extra money, the ice-cream man is starting to get a little freaked out by the way you follow him around all the time.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your biggest weakness is not, as you believe, your lack of self-confidence. It's the two-inch soft spot in your aorta.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You think you're embroiled in an unprecedented scandal, but you forgot that Catherine The Great, Fatty Arbuckle, and Marv Albert all came before you.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You discover exactly what it means to owe the Mafia a favor when you find yourself forced to mow a lot of shady characters' lawns.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Destiny has decided that you are a weak and unworthy vessel for its purposes. Starting next week, you'll be replaced with Robert Vaughn.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your fears of becoming a trendy but bland person deepen when you are featured on page 77 of the IKEA catalog.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A tragic but not life-altering accident will be all the excuse you need to get menacing hooks where your ring and pinky fingers once were.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your trick of using numbers related to Andrew Jackson's presidency and a right triangle to remember the digits of the mathematical constant e is both effective and the geekiest thing ever.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your dream wedding hits an unexpected snag when you fail to obtain the rights to Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train."
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
After a long investigation, experts will conclude it's a miracle that no one was hurt but you and the camel-rental guy.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your life story is the kind of thing people pay good money to see, which isn't good when you think about what bloodthirsty bastards people are.
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