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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of December 5, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life will be lauded by parents' groups for containing no sex, drugs, profanity, violence, or adult situations.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though he appreciates the extra money, the ice-cream man is starting to get a little freaked out by the way you follow him around all the time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your biggest weakness is not, as you believe, your lack of self-confidence. It's the two-inch soft spot in your aorta.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You think you're embroiled in an unprecedented scandal, but you forgot that Catherine The Great, Fatty Arbuckle, and Marv Albert all came before you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You discover exactly what it means to owe the Mafia a favor when you find yourself forced to mow a lot of shady characters' lawns.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Destiny has decided that you are a weak and unworthy vessel for its purposes. Starting next week, you'll be replaced with Robert Vaughn.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your fears of becoming a trendy but bland person deepen when you are featured on page 77 of the IKEA catalog.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A tragic but not life-altering accident will be all the excuse you need to get menacing hooks where your ring and pinky fingers once were.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your trick of using numbers related to Andrew Jackson's presidency and a right triangle to remember the digits of the mathematical constant e is both effective and the geekiest thing ever.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your dream wedding hits an unexpected snag when you fail to obtain the rights to Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After a long investigation, experts will conclude it's a miracle that no one was hurt but you and the camel-rental guy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your life story is the kind of thing people pay good money to see, which isn't good when you think about what bloodthirsty bastards people are.

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