Horoscope for the week of December 5, 2001

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of December 5, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life will be lauded by parents' groups for containing no sex, drugs, profanity, violence, or adult situations.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though he appreciates the extra money, the ice-cream man is starting to get a little freaked out by the way you follow him around all the time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your biggest weakness is not, as you believe, your lack of self-confidence. It's the two-inch soft spot in your aorta.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You think you're embroiled in an unprecedented scandal, but you forgot that Catherine The Great, Fatty Arbuckle, and Marv Albert all came before you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You discover exactly what it means to owe the Mafia a favor when you find yourself forced to mow a lot of shady characters' lawns.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Destiny has decided that you are a weak and unworthy vessel for its purposes. Starting next week, you'll be replaced with Robert Vaughn.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your fears of becoming a trendy but bland person deepen when you are featured on page 77 of the IKEA catalog.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A tragic but not life-altering accident will be all the excuse you need to get menacing hooks where your ring and pinky fingers once were.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your trick of using numbers related to Andrew Jackson's presidency and a right triangle to remember the digits of the mathematical constant e is both effective and the geekiest thing ever.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your dream wedding hits an unexpected snag when you fail to obtain the rights to Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After a long investigation, experts will conclude it's a miracle that no one was hurt but you and the camel-rental guy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your life story is the kind of thing people pay good money to see, which isn't good when you think about what bloodthirsty bastards people are.