adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of December 5, 2001

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of December 5, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life will be lauded by parents' groups for containing no sex, drugs, profanity, violence, or adult situations.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though he appreciates the extra money, the ice-cream man is starting to get a little freaked out by the way you follow him around all the time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your biggest weakness is not, as you believe, your lack of self-confidence. It's the two-inch soft spot in your aorta.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You think you're embroiled in an unprecedented scandal, but you forgot that Catherine The Great, Fatty Arbuckle, and Marv Albert all came before you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You discover exactly what it means to owe the Mafia a favor when you find yourself forced to mow a lot of shady characters' lawns.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Destiny has decided that you are a weak and unworthy vessel for its purposes. Starting next week, you'll be replaced with Robert Vaughn.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your fears of becoming a trendy but bland person deepen when you are featured on page 77 of the IKEA catalog.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A tragic but not life-altering accident will be all the excuse you need to get menacing hooks where your ring and pinky fingers once were.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your trick of using numbers related to Andrew Jackson's presidency and a right triangle to remember the digits of the mathematical constant e is both effective and the geekiest thing ever.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your dream wedding hits an unexpected snag when you fail to obtain the rights to Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After a long investigation, experts will conclude it's a miracle that no one was hurt but you and the camel-rental guy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your life story is the kind of thing people pay good money to see, which isn't good when you think about what bloodthirsty bastards people are.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close