Horoscope for the week of December 5, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 44

Polish Rapper Under Fire For Use Of The Word 'Polack'

DETROIT— MC Krakow, a popular Detroit-based rapper of Polish descent, came under fire Tuesday for his use of the word 'Polack' on his new album World Warsaw III. "When MC Krakow casually uses the P-word, it dredges up decades of hurtful portrayals and cruel jokes for our people," said Sandy Serwacki, president of the Polish Anti-Defamation Society. "In just the song 'Ten-Inch Pierogie' alone, he uses the word 27 times." In an official statement, MC Krakow defended his use of the word: "When I say, 'Y'all be my Polacks,' or 'Yo, what up, Polack?,' it's my way of taking the word back. Our people need to re-claim and embrace 'Polack' with pride, just like Eminem did with the word 'faggot.'"

Aspiring Legislator Keeps Sending Unsolicited Bills To House Of Representatives

WOOSTER, OH— Andy Roenicke, a 23-year-old aspiring federal legislator, sent an unsolicited tax-reform bill to House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) Monday, his fifth such submission in as many weeks. "Dear Mr. Hastert: Enclosed is a bill that I believe would be a great addition to your congressional docket," Roenicke's cover letter read. "Even if you opt not to use it, though, I would very much appreciate any feedback you might have." Said Hastert: "It's nice to see a young man who's excited about getting involved in the legislative process, but I do wish he'd go through the established process of being elected to office by the people of his district. Honestly, that's the way it's done."

Guy At Bank Has Weird Hair For Guy Who Works At Bank

MODESTO, CA— Marc Kohle, a bank teller at Modesto First Federal, has weird hair for a guy who works at a bank, customers reported Monday. "Huh," said customer Kenneth Blaustein, 31, looking at Kohle's hair, which is long in the back with a pair of small, gelled horns in the front. "You just don't see that kind of 'do on a guy who works at a bank. Well, it is the downtown branch."

Man Surprised To Hear Himself Tell Matt Damon He's A 'Big Fan'

LOS ANGELES— Moments after encountering Matt Damon in a Century Plaza elevator Monday, local resident Andre Waller expressed bafflement that he had told the actor that he's a "big fan." "That doesn't sound like me at all," Waller said. "I mean, I liked Good Will Hunting okay, but I can't even think of anything else he's been in. Why the hell would I say that?" In April 1998, Waller was stunned to hear himself tell Kevin Nealon that he "love[s] Hiller & Diller."

All Proceeds No Longer Going To Charity

NEW YORK— Nearly three months after the Sept. 11 disaster, traditional capitalism is reasserting itself, as profits are once again being kept by the corporations earning them. "No portion of each sale of this product will go toward the WTC Police Disaster Relief Fund," reads a sticker on the cover of A Very Sony Christmas, an all-star compilation CD released Tuesday. A similar notice on packages of Fruit Of The Loom men's cotton briefs reads, "All proceeds will go directly into the fourth-quarter earnings of Fruit Of The Loom, Ltd."

America Is Ready To Laugh At Me Again

In my short life, I've endured more than my share of mockery. I've been husky for the entirety of my 11 years on this planet, a circumstance that has inspired others to make fun of me at every turn. I've been called, among other things, Fatso, Fatpants, Fatboy, Fatty Fatty Two-By-Four, Pig, Piggy, Oinker, King Chunk, El Tubbo, and, of course, as one would expect of a heavy-set person with my name, Patty Fatty.
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

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Horoscope for the week of December 5, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your life will be lauded by parents' groups for containing no sex, drugs, profanity, violence, or adult situations.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Though he appreciates the extra money, the ice-cream man is starting to get a little freaked out by the way you follow him around all the time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your biggest weakness is not, as you believe, your lack of self-confidence. It's the two-inch soft spot in your aorta.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You think you're embroiled in an unprecedented scandal, but you forgot that Catherine The Great, Fatty Arbuckle, and Marv Albert all came before you.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You discover exactly what it means to owe the Mafia a favor when you find yourself forced to mow a lot of shady characters' lawns.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Destiny has decided that you are a weak and unworthy vessel for its purposes. Starting next week, you'll be replaced with Robert Vaughn.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your fears of becoming a trendy but bland person deepen when you are featured on page 77 of the IKEA catalog.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    A tragic but not life-altering accident will be all the excuse you need to get menacing hooks where your ring and pinky fingers once were.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your trick of using numbers related to Andrew Jackson's presidency and a right triangle to remember the digits of the mathematical constant e is both effective and the geekiest thing ever.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your dream wedding hits an unexpected snag when you fail to obtain the rights to Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    After a long investigation, experts will conclude it's a miracle that no one was hurt but you and the camel-rental guy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your life story is the kind of thing people pay good money to see, which isn't good when you think about what bloodthirsty bastards people are.
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