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Horoscope for the week of December 6, 2000

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Horoscope for the week of December 6, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your week will be full of success, tempered by depression over the fact that your future can be boiled down to single sentences.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're starting to suspect that the makers of heroin are trying to turn it into a whole way of life instead of just a drug.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your view of yourself as the victim in every situation will earn you your own cable talk show.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A published collection of your letters will achieve success not for its literary merit, but because you always chose such neat postcards.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's okay: You're just big-boned, which, along with your anorexia, makes you look like an inflatable skeleton.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be nonplussed to receive a lifetime achievement award from the National Association for the Advancement of Lifetimes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will contract a dangerous virus that will target both your brain and the 18- to 26-year-old male demographic.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    As a poet once said, "All who ever lived have died/But not one died of love, nay, nor of a broken heart." Consequently, you're going to need a gun.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be shocked to learn that your Las Vegas wedding, performed by a transvestite Elvis impersonator, is neither legal nor binding.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Don't just demand the best from yourself and those around you. Demand coffee from yourself and those around you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will develop a cosmology rooted in the notion that holy vessels containing God's divine light were shattered to create the universe, only to realize that you're about the two billionth person to do so.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Admit it: Things just haven't been the same for you since you gave in and started wearing pants again.

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