Horoscope for the week of December 6, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 44

Hard Day's Work Fails To Yield Sense Of Job Well Done

EVANSVILLE, IN– After a hard day's work Monday, Cahill Financial Group administrative assistant Janice Croyer mysteriously lacked a deep sense of pride and satisfaction in a job well done. "I don't know what it is," said Croyer, punching out. "I should feel great about the work I did today, but I'm not on any sort of high." It was the 2,076th consecutive work day to produce vocational indifference in Croyer.

Driver Rattled By Brush With Death For Nearly 10 Seconds

DOUGLAS, WY– Following a narrowly averted fatal collision with a weaving semi truck on Interstate 25, motorist Kent Withers was badly shaken for nearly 10 seconds Monday. "My God," said Withers, momentarily pondering the frailty of human life. "I could have been killed." Added Withers: I could go for a bacon cheeseburger."

Freddie Prinze Jr. Fan's Favorite Color Also Green

BURBANK, CA– Reading a profile of teen heartthrob Freddie Prinze Jr. in the December issue of Tiger Beat, 15-year-old Caitlin Rasmussen was thrilled to discover that both she and her favorite actor cite green as their favorite color. "That is so unbelievable," Rassmussen said. "Freddie likes green, and I like green. We have so much in common." As further evidence that the pair are soulmates, Rasmussen noted that she and Prinze share a fondness for ice cream.

Shingles Sufferer Sick Of Explaining What Shingles Is

NEWPORT NEWS, VA– Meredith Burr, a Newport News human-resources administrator who contracted shingles three weeks ago, announced Tuesday that she is "completely fed up" with explaining what the illness is. "For the last time, shingles is a viral infection that causes a painful rash similar to chicken pox," Burr said. "The medical term is herpes zoster, and it usually lasts from two to five weeks. Now will you leave me alone? My skin is burning." Burr added that shingles should not be confused with piles, rickets, scurvy, or the gout.

Gore Calls For Recount Of Supreme Court Vote

WASHINGTON, DC– An increasingly desperate Al Gore called for a recount Tuesday of the U.S. Supreme Court's 9-0 decision in Bush v. Palm Beach County Canvassing Board. "There is reason to suspect that these nine votes were not properly counted and that as many as five justices who sided with Mr. Bush did not intend to do so," Gore said. "It is therefore in the best interest of our democracy for the U.S. Supreme Court to suspend judgment in this case until we can be absolutely certain that this court did, in fact, intend to rule in Mr. Bush's favor." Gore added that if his recount request is denied, he will file an appeal with the Interplanetary Supreme Court.

Youth Sports, Adult Violence

The past year has seen a surge in adult violence at youth sporting events, including the beating death of a hockey coach by a player's father. What do you think?

H-Dog Jr.

Yo, check it out, Gs: Last week, that freaky ho Judy from tha wack-ass Accountz Payabo krew steps to mah fly cubicle, all smilin' an' shit. I thought she wuz straight trippin'.

The Scooter Craze

Across America, millions of kids are cruising around on aluminum Razor scooters. Why are they so popular?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 6, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your week will be full of success, tempered by depression over the fact that your future can be boiled down to single sentences.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You're starting to suspect that the makers of heroin are trying to turn it into a whole way of life instead of just a drug.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your view of yourself as the victim in every situation will earn you your own cable talk show.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A published collection of your letters will achieve success not for its literary merit, but because you always chose such neat postcards.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It's okay: You're just big-boned, which, along with your anorexia, makes you look like an inflatable skeleton.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will be nonplussed to receive a lifetime achievement award from the National Association for the Advancement of Lifetimes.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will contract a dangerous virus that will target both your brain and the 18- to 26-year-old male demographic.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    As a poet once said, "All who ever lived have died/But not one died of love, nay, nor of a broken heart." Consequently, you're going to need a gun.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will be shocked to learn that your Las Vegas wedding, performed by a transvestite Elvis impersonator, is neither legal nor binding.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Don't just demand the best from yourself and those around you. Demand coffee from yourself and those around you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will develop a cosmology rooted in the notion that holy vessels containing God's divine light were shattered to create the universe, only to realize that you're about the two billionth person to do so.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Admit it: Things just haven't been the same for you since you gave in and started wearing pants again.
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