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Horoscope for the week of December 6, 2000

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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 6, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your week will be full of success, tempered by depression over the fact that your future can be boiled down to single sentences.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're starting to suspect that the makers of heroin are trying to turn it into a whole way of life instead of just a drug.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your view of yourself as the victim in every situation will earn you your own cable talk show.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A published collection of your letters will achieve success not for its literary merit, but because you always chose such neat postcards.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's okay: You're just big-boned, which, along with your anorexia, makes you look like an inflatable skeleton.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be nonplussed to receive a lifetime achievement award from the National Association for the Advancement of Lifetimes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will contract a dangerous virus that will target both your brain and the 18- to 26-year-old male demographic.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    As a poet once said, "All who ever lived have died/But not one died of love, nay, nor of a broken heart." Consequently, you're going to need a gun.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be shocked to learn that your Las Vegas wedding, performed by a transvestite Elvis impersonator, is neither legal nor binding.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Don't just demand the best from yourself and those around you. Demand coffee from yourself and those around you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will develop a cosmology rooted in the notion that holy vessels containing God's divine light were shattered to create the universe, only to realize that you're about the two billionth person to do so.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Admit it: Things just haven't been the same for you since you gave in and started wearing pants again.

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