Horoscope for the week of December 6, 2000

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Horoscope for the week of December 6, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your week will be full of success, tempered by depression over the fact that your future can be boiled down to single sentences.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're starting to suspect that the makers of heroin are trying to turn it into a whole way of life instead of just a drug.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your view of yourself as the victim in every situation will earn you your own cable talk show.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A published collection of your letters will achieve success not for its literary merit, but because you always chose such neat postcards.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's okay: You're just big-boned, which, along with your anorexia, makes you look like an inflatable skeleton.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be nonplussed to receive a lifetime achievement award from the National Association for the Advancement of Lifetimes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will contract a dangerous virus that will target both your brain and the 18- to 26-year-old male demographic.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    As a poet once said, "All who ever lived have died/But not one died of love, nay, nor of a broken heart." Consequently, you're going to need a gun.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be shocked to learn that your Las Vegas wedding, performed by a transvestite Elvis impersonator, is neither legal nor binding.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Don't just demand the best from yourself and those around you. Demand coffee from yourself and those around you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will develop a cosmology rooted in the notion that holy vessels containing God's divine light were shattered to create the universe, only to realize that you're about the two billionth person to do so.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Admit it: Things just haven't been the same for you since you gave in and started wearing pants again.


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