adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of December 6, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your week will be full of success, tempered by depression over the fact that your future can be boiled down to single sentences.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're starting to suspect that the makers of heroin are trying to turn it into a whole way of life instead of just a drug.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your view of yourself as the victim in every situation will earn you your own cable talk show.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A published collection of your letters will achieve success not for its literary merit, but because you always chose such neat postcards.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's okay: You're just big-boned, which, along with your anorexia, makes you look like an inflatable skeleton.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be nonplussed to receive a lifetime achievement award from the National Association for the Advancement of Lifetimes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will contract a dangerous virus that will target both your brain and the 18- to 26-year-old male demographic.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    As a poet once said, "All who ever lived have died/But not one died of love, nay, nor of a broken heart." Consequently, you're going to need a gun.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be shocked to learn that your Las Vegas wedding, performed by a transvestite Elvis impersonator, is neither legal nor binding.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Don't just demand the best from yourself and those around you. Demand coffee from yourself and those around you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will develop a cosmology rooted in the notion that holy vessels containing God's divine light were shattered to create the universe, only to realize that you're about the two billionth person to do so.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Admit it: Things just haven't been the same for you since you gave in and started wearing pants again.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close