Horoscope for the week of December 8, 1999

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Horoscope for the week of December 8, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The ancient Japanese art of bonsai involves the pruning and binding of dwarf pines. It has nothing to do with what you do to those poor midgets.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Before you argue with your mate, ask yourself if you're angry because of something they did or something you did. Then insist you're right.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your refusal to make love to your boyfriend unless he wears the Jesus costume might be creepy, but it's what makes you "you."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Just because Cancer is known as "The Crab" is no reason to be so grumpy. Jeez.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try to be more aware next Thursday, as it will feel more like a Friday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Financial reward could be in your future this week, as Gemini is offering limited-time zero-percent interest on all balances transferred from other Zodiac signs. Apply now.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You know it's just a trick of the light, but you could swear the weather lady was looking right at you during the forecast.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Just so you know, Dr. Hook is not actually a real doctor. Please stop making all those appointments with him.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though it may seem like you are overflowing with love for that special someone, that liquid is merely a natural byproduct of physical arousal.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Don't expect any dramatic change in your life now that Madeline Kahn has died.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will experience a journey over water this week. Oh, and taking a shower technically counts as a journey.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The presence of the star Fomalhaut in Pisces this week doesn't mean anything special. It's always been there.