Aries | March 21 to April 19
The ancient Japanese art of bonsai involves the pruning and binding of dwarf pines. It has nothing to do with what you do to those poor midgets.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Before you argue with your mate, ask yourself if you're angry because of something they did or something you did. Then insist you're right.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your refusal to make love to your boyfriend unless he wears the Jesus costume might be creepy, but it's what makes you "you."
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Just because Cancer is known as "The Crab" is no reason to be so grumpy. Jeez.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Try to be more aware next Thursday, as it will feel more like a Friday.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Financial reward could be in your future this week, as Gemini is offering limited-time zero-percent interest on all balances transferred from other Zodiac signs. Apply now.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You know it's just a trick of the light, but you could swear the weather lady was looking right at you during the forecast.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Just so you know, Dr. Hook is not actually a real doctor. Please stop making all those appointments with him.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Though it may seem like you are overflowing with love for that special someone, that liquid is merely a natural byproduct of physical arousal.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Don't expect any dramatic change in your life now that Madeline Kahn has died.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will experience a journey over water this week. Oh, and taking a shower technically counts as a journey.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The presence of the star Fomalhaut in Pisces this week doesn't mean anything special. It's always been there.
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