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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
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Horoscope for the week of December 8, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The ancient Japanese art of bonsai involves the pruning and binding of dwarf pines. It has nothing to do with what you do to those poor midgets.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Before you argue with your mate, ask yourself if you're angry because of something they did or something you did. Then insist you're right.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your refusal to make love to your boyfriend unless he wears the Jesus costume might be creepy, but it's what makes you "you."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Just because Cancer is known as "The Crab" is no reason to be so grumpy. Jeez.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try to be more aware next Thursday, as it will feel more like a Friday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Financial reward could be in your future this week, as Gemini is offering limited-time zero-percent interest on all balances transferred from other Zodiac signs. Apply now.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You know it's just a trick of the light, but you could swear the weather lady was looking right at you during the forecast.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Just so you know, Dr. Hook is not actually a real doctor. Please stop making all those appointments with him.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though it may seem like you are overflowing with love for that special someone, that liquid is merely a natural byproduct of physical arousal.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Don't expect any dramatic change in your life now that Madeline Kahn has died.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will experience a journey over water this week. Oh, and taking a shower technically counts as a journey.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The presence of the star Fomalhaut in Pisces this week doesn't mean anything special. It's always been there.
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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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