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Horoscope for the week of December 8, 1999

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Horoscope for the week of December 8, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The ancient Japanese art of bonsai involves the pruning and binding of dwarf pines. It has nothing to do with what you do to those poor midgets.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Before you argue with your mate, ask yourself if you're angry because of something they did or something you did. Then insist you're right.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your refusal to make love to your boyfriend unless he wears the Jesus costume might be creepy, but it's what makes you "you."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Just because Cancer is known as "The Crab" is no reason to be so grumpy. Jeez.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try to be more aware next Thursday, as it will feel more like a Friday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Financial reward could be in your future this week, as Gemini is offering limited-time zero-percent interest on all balances transferred from other Zodiac signs. Apply now.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You know it's just a trick of the light, but you could swear the weather lady was looking right at you during the forecast.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Just so you know, Dr. Hook is not actually a real doctor. Please stop making all those appointments with him.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though it may seem like you are overflowing with love for that special someone, that liquid is merely a natural byproduct of physical arousal.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Don't expect any dramatic change in your life now that Madeline Kahn has died.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will experience a journey over water this week. Oh, and taking a shower technically counts as a journey.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The presence of the star Fomalhaut in Pisces this week doesn't mean anything special. It's always been there.

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