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Horoscope for the week of December 8, 1999

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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Horoscope for the week of December 8, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The ancient Japanese art of bonsai involves the pruning and binding of dwarf pines. It has nothing to do with what you do to those poor midgets.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Before you argue with your mate, ask yourself if you're angry because of something they did or something you did. Then insist you're right.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your refusal to make love to your boyfriend unless he wears the Jesus costume might be creepy, but it's what makes you "you."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Just because Cancer is known as "The Crab" is no reason to be so grumpy. Jeez.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try to be more aware next Thursday, as it will feel more like a Friday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Financial reward could be in your future this week, as Gemini is offering limited-time zero-percent interest on all balances transferred from other Zodiac signs. Apply now.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You know it's just a trick of the light, but you could swear the weather lady was looking right at you during the forecast.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Just so you know, Dr. Hook is not actually a real doctor. Please stop making all those appointments with him.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though it may seem like you are overflowing with love for that special someone, that liquid is merely a natural byproduct of physical arousal.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Don't expect any dramatic change in your life now that Madeline Kahn has died.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will experience a journey over water this week. Oh, and taking a shower technically counts as a journey.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The presence of the star Fomalhaut in Pisces this week doesn't mean anything special. It's always been there.

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