Horoscope for the week of December 8, 2004

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 8, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Enjoy your position at the top of the food chain, because God is about to shake things up a little with the new Mountain Lion 2.0.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Singing underneath your true love's window seems romantic, but because of poor planning, you'll wind up seducing the convent's entire dormitory wing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're about to face yet another week of life-or-death struggles, but as usual, all you really have to do is remember to eat.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The idea behind judo is to make an opponent's strength work against him, making you immune to the martial art.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Many prophesied that you'd wind up wearing your ass for a hat, but they didn't predict that the fickle world of fashion would co-opt the look overnight.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The inner world of every person contains realms unimagined, but you should still be able to guess what your license-plate-collecting brother-in-law might like for Christmas.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Where there's life, there's hope. This week, your heart will become the home of many single-celled, fungal, and parasitic species of hope.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your inability to conduct both parallel and distributed computational processes will prevent you from being an integral component in next year's hottest laptops.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will suffer terrible pain and emotional trauma, and all because someone put a diving board where it didn't belong.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's small-minded of him, but the detective investigating your death will suspect foul play simply because he would have tried to kill you himself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You may march to the beat of a different drummer, but the important thing is that you're not being subversive and trying to walk on your own.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be sued for slander, sexual harassment, inciting to riot, and a half-dozen other crimes when you decide to let your dancing speak for you.