Horoscope for the week of December 8, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 49

Complete Idiot Still Thinks Brittany Murphy Dating Jeff Kwatinetz

CINCINNATI—Out-of-the-loop moron Karen Lenz stunned everyone within earshot Monday when she said Brittany Murphy was still dating Jeff Kwatinetz. "Isn't Brittany Murphy that teen star who's engaged to that agent?" said Lenz, who has apparently been in a coma since May 2004, when Kwatinetz and Murphy split. Sources close to the dumbbell said she's so retarded, she wasn't even aware that Murphy attended a guest screening of the film Bad Education last month, escorted by an anonymous hunk of arm candy.

Bible Only Work Of Fiction In Family's Home

LAWRENCE, KS—After a weekend visit to the home of Gloria and Ben Kirchbauer, nephew James Fenderman, 26, said Monday that he was unable to locate a single work of fiction in the house. "I just wanted something to read before bed, but all my aunt and uncle had was a row of Time-Life how-to books, Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution, a yearbook, and Sincerely, Andy Rooney," Fenderman said. "The only book with any narrative whatsoever was the Good News Bible." Fenderman said he finally settled for a March 1995 issue of Prevention magazine that he'd found on a shelf with his aunt's cookbooks.

Friend's Wife Reportedly Very Funny

BILLINGS, MT—Accountant Carl Scoval told reporters Monday that, although he's heard that the wife of his coworker Tom Barton is hilarious, he's never had the opportunity to witness her sense of humor. "Tom is always saying how cool his wife Kim is, how she's always cracking these ironic jokes," Scoval said. "I guess she can cuss a blue streak, too. I don't know. Maybe someday I'll catch her in the act. Every time I've been around her, she's been pretty quiet." Scoval said he hears Kim can drink Barton under the table, as well.

City To Issue Deep, Meaningful Municipal Bonds

MODESTO, CA—The Modesto City Council announced Monday that it will issue deep, meaningful, general-obligation municipal bonds to any investor wishing to improve relations with the city. "My hope is that we can foster a closer, richer relationship with those who might provide us monies to improve Modesto's antiquated sewer system," Mayor Jim Ridenour said in an appeal to potential investors. "I promise—and this is coming right from the heart—if you stick with us through the long term, you will find yourself in a rewarding relationship with tax-exempt dividends." Ridenour added that bonds like his will need constant nurturing if they are to keep their Triple-A-rated status.

Peterson Given Lifetime Channel Sentence

REDWOOD CITY, CA—Scott Peterson, convicted in November of murdering his wife Laci and their unborn child, was issued a Lifetime Channel sentence during the penalty phase of his trial Monday. "Mr. Peterson's story shall be re-enacted in Lifetime movies and miniseries for a period of no less than 10 years," Judge Alfred Delucci told a packed courtroom Monday. "His story shall be remanded to Lifetime's custody until the network determines that public interest has waned sufficiently to allow airings on Oxygen." Delucci ordered that Peterson's team of lawyers be present for the casting.

Dollar Low Against Euro

Last week, the U.S dollar dipped to a record low against the euro. What are the reasons for the currency's decline?

Authority Figures Call For Closing Of Area Roughhouse

SEYMOUR, IN—Local authority figures and townspeople assembled Monday at Seymour Town Hall to call for the closure of the town's controversial roughhouse, alleging that it has caused countless scrapes, bumps, and bruises since it opened in 1986.
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Horoscope for the week of December 8, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    Enjoy your position at the top of the food chain, because God is about to shake things up a little with the new Mountain Lion 2.0.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Singing underneath your true love's window seems romantic, but because of poor planning, you'll wind up seducing the convent's entire dormitory wing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You're about to face yet another week of life-or-death struggles, but as usual, all you really have to do is remember to eat.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The idea behind judo is to make an opponent's strength work against him, making you immune to the martial art.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Many prophesied that you'd wind up wearing your ass for a hat, but they didn't predict that the fickle world of fashion would co-opt the look overnight.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The inner world of every person contains realms unimagined, but you should still be able to guess what your license-plate-collecting brother-in-law might like for Christmas.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Where there's life, there's hope. This week, your heart will become the home of many single-celled, fungal, and parasitic species of hope.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your inability to conduct both parallel and distributed computational processes will prevent you from being an integral component in next year's hottest laptops.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will suffer terrible pain and emotional trauma, and all because someone put a diving board where it didn't belong.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It's small-minded of him, but the detective investigating your death will suspect foul play simply because he would have tried to kill you himself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You may march to the beat of a different drummer, but the important thing is that you're not being subversive and trying to walk on your own.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll be sued for slander, sexual harassment, inciting to riot, and a half-dozen other crimes when you decide to let your dancing speak for you.
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