adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of December 8, 2004

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of December 8, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Enjoy your position at the top of the food chain, because God is about to shake things up a little with the new Mountain Lion 2.0.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Singing underneath your true love's window seems romantic, but because of poor planning, you'll wind up seducing the convent's entire dormitory wing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're about to face yet another week of life-or-death struggles, but as usual, all you really have to do is remember to eat.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The idea behind judo is to make an opponent's strength work against him, making you immune to the martial art.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Many prophesied that you'd wind up wearing your ass for a hat, but they didn't predict that the fickle world of fashion would co-opt the look overnight.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The inner world of every person contains realms unimagined, but you should still be able to guess what your license-plate-collecting brother-in-law might like for Christmas.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Where there's life, there's hope. This week, your heart will become the home of many single-celled, fungal, and parasitic species of hope.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your inability to conduct both parallel and distributed computational processes will prevent you from being an integral component in next year's hottest laptops.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will suffer terrible pain and emotional trauma, and all because someone put a diving board where it didn't belong.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's small-minded of him, but the detective investigating your death will suspect foul play simply because he would have tried to kill you himself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You may march to the beat of a different drummer, but the important thing is that you're not being subversive and trying to walk on your own.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be sued for slander, sexual harassment, inciting to riot, and a half-dozen other crimes when you decide to let your dancing speak for you.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close