Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will be chosen by a zoological video-dating service to sire a highly advanced race of intelligent super-apes.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A small gray neotenic alien appears before you in your home and explains to you at length that it does not, in actuality, exist outside the popular imagination.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will re-experience the central trauma of your adult life when you discover that you have mysteriously turned back into a virgin.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Fire magic is strong in Cancer this week. If, by some chance, you happen to set yourself ablaze, consider it a good omen.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will be forced to reconsider the wisdom of bringing your religious beliefs to inner-city youths when you realize they do not relate to the teachings of mighty Lord Odin, the Allfather.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You have a secret you must conceal from the public, lest the people turn against you. Should they discover your unholy love for Joe Don Baker, all would be lost.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
December will be a trying month for you, as all the Earth’s creatures rise up in rebellion against your harsh overlordship.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Forces beyond your control steer you toward an attractive Virgo. These forces are called “hormones.”
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
If this is your birth week, you have a one-in-seven chance of enjoying the biographical convenience of dying on your birthday.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your failure to score high marks in creativity and independent thought during standardized tests leads to several high-paying job offers from the business world.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A tall Cancer will soon become a major figure in your life. To be safe, meet all his ransom demands.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Few are surprised when police discover you in a Las Vegas hotel room looting Frank Sinatra’s corpse.
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