adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of December 9, 1997

Top Headlines

Recent News

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of December 9, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be chosen by a zoological video-dating service to sire a highly advanced race of intelligent super-apes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A small gray neotenic alien appears before you in your home and explains to you at length that it does not, in actuality, exist outside the popular imagination.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will re-experience the central trauma of your adult life when you discover that you have mysteriously turned back into a virgin.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Fire magic is strong in Cancer this week. If, by some chance, you happen to set yourself ablaze, consider it a good omen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be forced to reconsider the wisdom of bringing your religious beliefs to inner-city youths when you realize they do not relate to the teachings of mighty Lord Odin, the Allfather.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You have a secret you must conceal from the public, lest the people turn against you. Should they discover your unholy love for Joe Don Baker, all would be lost.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    December will be a trying month for you, as all the Earth’s creatures rise up in rebellion against your harsh overlordship.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Forces beyond your control steer you toward an attractive Virgo. These forces are called “hormones.”
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If this is your birth week, you have a one-in-seven chance of enjoying the biographical convenience of dying on your birthday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your failure to score high marks in creativity and independent thought during standardized tests leads to several high-paying job offers from the business world.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A tall Cancer will soon become a major figure in your life. To be safe, meet all his ransom demands.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Few are surprised when police discover you in a Las Vegas hotel room looting Frank Sinatra’s corpse.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close