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Horoscope for the week of December 9, 1997

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of December 9, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be chosen by a zoological video-dating service to sire a highly advanced race of intelligent super-apes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A small gray neotenic alien appears before you in your home and explains to you at length that it does not, in actuality, exist outside the popular imagination.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will re-experience the central trauma of your adult life when you discover that you have mysteriously turned back into a virgin.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Fire magic is strong in Cancer this week. If, by some chance, you happen to set yourself ablaze, consider it a good omen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be forced to reconsider the wisdom of bringing your religious beliefs to inner-city youths when you realize they do not relate to the teachings of mighty Lord Odin, the Allfather.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You have a secret you must conceal from the public, lest the people turn against you. Should they discover your unholy love for Joe Don Baker, all would be lost.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    December will be a trying month for you, as all the Earth’s creatures rise up in rebellion against your harsh overlordship.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Forces beyond your control steer you toward an attractive Virgo. These forces are called “hormones.”
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If this is your birth week, you have a one-in-seven chance of enjoying the biographical convenience of dying on your birthday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your failure to score high marks in creativity and independent thought during standardized tests leads to several high-paying job offers from the business world.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A tall Cancer will soon become a major figure in your life. To be safe, meet all his ransom demands.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Few are surprised when police discover you in a Las Vegas hotel room looting Frank Sinatra’s corpse.

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