adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of December 9, 1997

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of December 9, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be chosen by a zoological video-dating service to sire a highly advanced race of intelligent super-apes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A small gray neotenic alien appears before you in your home and explains to you at length that it does not, in actuality, exist outside the popular imagination.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will re-experience the central trauma of your adult life when you discover that you have mysteriously turned back into a virgin.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Fire magic is strong in Cancer this week. If, by some chance, you happen to set yourself ablaze, consider it a good omen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be forced to reconsider the wisdom of bringing your religious beliefs to inner-city youths when you realize they do not relate to the teachings of mighty Lord Odin, the Allfather.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You have a secret you must conceal from the public, lest the people turn against you. Should they discover your unholy love for Joe Don Baker, all would be lost.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    December will be a trying month for you, as all the Earth’s creatures rise up in rebellion against your harsh overlordship.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Forces beyond your control steer you toward an attractive Virgo. These forces are called “hormones.”
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If this is your birth week, you have a one-in-seven chance of enjoying the biographical convenience of dying on your birthday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your failure to score high marks in creativity and independent thought during standardized tests leads to several high-paying job offers from the business world.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A tall Cancer will soon become a major figure in your life. To be safe, meet all his ransom demands.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Few are surprised when police discover you in a Las Vegas hotel room looting Frank Sinatra’s corpse.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close