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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
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Horoscope for the week of December 9, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be chosen by a zoological video-dating service to sire a highly advanced race of intelligent super-apes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A small gray neotenic alien appears before you in your home and explains to you at length that it does not, in actuality, exist outside the popular imagination.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will re-experience the central trauma of your adult life when you discover that you have mysteriously turned back into a virgin.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Fire magic is strong in Cancer this week. If, by some chance, you happen to set yourself ablaze, consider it a good omen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be forced to reconsider the wisdom of bringing your religious beliefs to inner-city youths when you realize they do not relate to the teachings of mighty Lord Odin, the Allfather.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You have a secret you must conceal from the public, lest the people turn against you. Should they discover your unholy love for Joe Don Baker, all would be lost.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    December will be a trying month for you, as all the Earth’s creatures rise up in rebellion against your harsh overlordship.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Forces beyond your control steer you toward an attractive Virgo. These forces are called “hormones.”
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If this is your birth week, you have a one-in-seven chance of enjoying the biographical convenience of dying on your birthday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your failure to score high marks in creativity and independent thought during standardized tests leads to several high-paying job offers from the business world.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A tall Cancer will soon become a major figure in your life. To be safe, meet all his ransom demands.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Few are surprised when police discover you in a Las Vegas hotel room looting Frank Sinatra’s corpse.
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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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