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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Horoscope for the week of December 9, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be chosen by a zoological video-dating service to sire a highly advanced race of intelligent super-apes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A small gray neotenic alien appears before you in your home and explains to you at length that it does not, in actuality, exist outside the popular imagination.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will re-experience the central trauma of your adult life when you discover that you have mysteriously turned back into a virgin.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Fire magic is strong in Cancer this week. If, by some chance, you happen to set yourself ablaze, consider it a good omen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be forced to reconsider the wisdom of bringing your religious beliefs to inner-city youths when you realize they do not relate to the teachings of mighty Lord Odin, the Allfather.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You have a secret you must conceal from the public, lest the people turn against you. Should they discover your unholy love for Joe Don Baker, all would be lost.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    December will be a trying month for you, as all the Earth’s creatures rise up in rebellion against your harsh overlordship.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Forces beyond your control steer you toward an attractive Virgo. These forces are called “hormones.”
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If this is your birth week, you have a one-in-seven chance of enjoying the biographical convenience of dying on your birthday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your failure to score high marks in creativity and independent thought during standardized tests leads to several high-paying job offers from the business world.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A tall Cancer will soon become a major figure in your life. To be safe, meet all his ransom demands.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Few are surprised when police discover you in a Las Vegas hotel room looting Frank Sinatra’s corpse.

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