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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of December 9, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will invent a successful line of fuckable baking dough, sell it to a major corporation, and achieve fame and fortune as the Pillsbury Ho-Boy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will enjoy success this hunting season, tracking and killing three beautiful deer. Unfortunately, what you call "deer" are known to most people as "nurses."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your life will hinge on thinking of a nine-letter word meaning "parity."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will learn firsthand that it really is hard to say you're sorry, especially when your mouth is stuffed with an angry sailor's cock.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be lauded by critics this week for your daring shot-for-shot remake of your high-school yearbook.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A major life-change is in your future, but don't worry: Many quadruple amputees lead lives as rich and fulfilling as those of triple amputees.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Everything you do this week will inspire murderous rage in a different resident of Baltimore.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that your rabid Doctor Who fanhood may somehow be related to the infestation of your flesh by hundreds of thousands of thirsty ticks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    In a hilarious twist of fate, Bob Hope will win a tidy sum from the Non-Celebrity Dead Pool when he correctly predicts the date of your untimely death.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though nothing of interest will happen to you this week, that won't stop you from boring your friends with a detailed recounting of every meaningless second.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will set a world record this week for getting your head stuck between moving objects.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are a healthy, attractive young person with an active social life and a good future in acting, but you harbor an unnatural lust for pudgy men with shaved heads. You might as well off yourself.

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