Horoscope for the week of December 9, 1998

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Vol 34 Issue 19

Wife Too Busy Videotaping Elk Attack To Save Husband's Life

BANGOR, ME–Investigators are citing "camcorder duty" as a significant factor in the death of Larry Fallon, who was kicked to death by an elk during a hunting trip Monday. "I wish more than anything that I could have grabbed Ken's rifle from the truck and helped him," a grieving Roxanne Fallon said, "but to aim and fire the gun while maintaining focus and properly framing the action would have been impossible." Fallon's death, captured on tape in its entirety, will air Friday, Dec. 18, on Fox's When Animals Attack VII.

FDA Declares Munchos To Be Good Source Of Disodium Guanylate

WASHINGTON, DC–In a report released Monday, the FDA officially recommended Munchos potato crisps as a good source of disodium guanylate. "Consumers who don't get enough disodium guanylate would do well to increase their Muncho intake," the report read. "While a balanced diet that includes three daily servings of Fritos, Funyuns and Andy Capp's Hot Fries provides all the essential additives and preservatives, Munchos are an especially good source of DSG."

Area Man Thinks Girlfriend's Sister Might Be A Little Cuter

CANTON, OH–Local resident Matt Holm expressed fear Monday that Sheri Glass, sister of girlfriend Amanda Glass, might be a bit cuter. "Sheri's got a slightly smaller nose, and her breasts are better," a distressed Holm told a male friend after seeing the two sisters side by side for the first time. "And, even though I haven't seen it, I strongly suspect that her stomach is more toned." Holm has not yet decided whether to break up with Amanda.

Court Takes Custody Of Harley From Unfit Motorcycle Mama

TAMPA, FL–Sheila Mimms lost custody of her 1996 Harley-Davidson FXDL Dyna Low Rider Monday, when a court ruled that the 38-year-old waitress is an unfit motorcycle mama. "Ms. Mimms has shown that she is incapable of caring for a young cycle," judge Leon Orem said. "It is the recommendation of this court that the hog be taken into the custody of the state until it can be placed in the care of a more suitable mama." Among the Mimms transgressions cited: infrequent filter replacement, negligent outdoor storage of the bike and inadequate theft-proofing measures.

Robin Williams Inflicted On Holiday Moviegoers For Eighth Straight Year

HOLLYWOOD, CA–For the eighth consecutive year, holiday moviegoers will be subjected to actor Robin Williams, whose Patch Adams hits theaters nationwide Dec. 25. The new film keeps alive the year-end Williams-infliction streak that began with 1991's Hook and includes such heartwarming family fare as Flubber, Jumanji, Mrs. Doubtfire and Aladdin. It is not yet known whether Williams plays a doctor or a professor this time.

Prosecuting Pinochet

Spain is seeking to extradite Augusto Pinochet from Britain to stand trial on torture and murder charges dating from his 1973–90 rule of Chile. What do you think about prosecuting world leaders for acts committed while in office?

I Am Sending The Wrong Message To Our Nation's Children

To grow up right in this society, children need role models they can look up to. They need adults who, by the way they act, set good examples for how to live one's life with integrity, honesty and morality. Well, count me out, pal, because every day and in every way, I am sending the wrong message to America's young people!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 9, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will invent a successful line of fuckable baking dough, sell it to a major corporation, and achieve fame and fortune as the Pillsbury Ho-Boy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will enjoy success this hunting season, tracking and killing three beautiful deer. Unfortunately, what you call "deer" are known to most people as "nurses."
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your life will hinge on thinking of a nine-letter word meaning "parity."
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will learn firsthand that it really is hard to say you're sorry, especially when your mouth is stuffed with an angry sailor's cock.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will be lauded by critics this week for your daring shot-for-shot remake of your high-school yearbook.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    A major life-change is in your future, but don't worry: Many quadruple amputees lead lives as rich and fulfilling as those of triple amputees.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Everything you do this week will inspire murderous rage in a different resident of Baltimore.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars indicate that your rabid Doctor Who fanhood may somehow be related to the infestation of your flesh by hundreds of thousands of thirsty ticks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    In a hilarious twist of fate, Bob Hope will win a tidy sum from the Non-Celebrity Dead Pool when he correctly predicts the date of your untimely death.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Though nothing of interest will happen to you this week, that won't stop you from boring your friends with a detailed recounting of every meaningless second.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will set a world record this week for getting your head stuck between moving objects.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You are a healthy, attractive young person with an active social life and a good future in acting, but you harbor an unnatural lust for pudgy men with shaved heads. You might as well off yourself.
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