adBlockCheck

Recent News

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of December 9, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will invent a successful line of fuckable baking dough, sell it to a major corporation, and achieve fame and fortune as the Pillsbury Ho-Boy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will enjoy success this hunting season, tracking and killing three beautiful deer. Unfortunately, what you call "deer" are known to most people as "nurses."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your life will hinge on thinking of a nine-letter word meaning "parity."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will learn firsthand that it really is hard to say you're sorry, especially when your mouth is stuffed with an angry sailor's cock.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be lauded by critics this week for your daring shot-for-shot remake of your high-school yearbook.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A major life-change is in your future, but don't worry: Many quadruple amputees lead lives as rich and fulfilling as those of triple amputees.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Everything you do this week will inspire murderous rage in a different resident of Baltimore.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that your rabid Doctor Who fanhood may somehow be related to the infestation of your flesh by hundreds of thousands of thirsty ticks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    In a hilarious twist of fate, Bob Hope will win a tidy sum from the Non-Celebrity Dead Pool when he correctly predicts the date of your untimely death.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though nothing of interest will happen to you this week, that won't stop you from boring your friends with a detailed recounting of every meaningless second.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will set a world record this week for getting your head stuck between moving objects.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You are a healthy, attractive young person with an active social life and a good future in acting, but you harbor an unnatural lust for pudgy men with shaved heads. You might as well off yourself.

More from this section

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close