Aries | March 21 to April 19
Nobody will believe your outrageous tale of saving 25 cents on a bar of deodorant soap.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The planet Mercury in your sign means you'll travel soon, but the element mercury in your bloodstream indicates that it will be a trip to the hospital.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You begin to suspect that everyone hates you when everyone tells you so.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will be cited as living proof that the word "love" can mean different things to different people.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your knack for survival in the cutthroat world of French politics prompts comparisons to Tallyrand (1754-1838), the famed statesman and diplomat.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your death proves that you were only half right about the afterlife: Though it’s true that Heaven does not want you, Hell is not afraid you’ll take over.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will find love, wealth and happiness in a strange alternate universe where total losers find love, wealth and happiness.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will stumble upon a little-known tax loophole which allows ritually mutilated Scorpios to claim an extra 7% deduction. Consider it carefully, as $350 is a lot of money.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will be featured in several medical textbooks after meeting a highly motivated, self-starting body piercer.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
We are sorry to report that you have been dropped from the new, more family-oriented Capricorn.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will finally find a job that enables you to call people at home and bother them about their long-distance carriers.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your ego will be irrevocably destroyed by an unwelcome comparison to Sandra Bullock.
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