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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of February 10, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nobody will believe your outrageous tale of saving 25 cents on a bar of deodorant soap.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The planet Mercury in your sign means you'll travel soon, but the element mercury in your bloodstream indicates that it will be a trip to the hospital.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You begin to suspect that everyone hates you when everyone tells you so.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be cited as living proof that the word "love" can mean different things to different people.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your knack for survival in the cutthroat world of French politics prompts comparisons to Tallyrand (1754-1838), the famed statesman and diplomat.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your death proves that you were only half right about the afterlife: Though it’s true that Heaven does not want you, Hell is not afraid you’ll take over.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will find love, wealth and happiness in a strange alternate universe where total losers find love, wealth and happiness.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will stumble upon a little-known tax loophole which allows ritually mutilated Scorpios to claim an extra 7% deduction. Consider it carefully, as $350 is a lot of money.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be featured in several medical textbooks after meeting a highly motivated, self-starting body piercer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    We are sorry to report that you have been dropped from the new, more family-oriented Capricorn.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will finally find a job that enables you to call people at home and bother them about their long-distance carriers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your ego will be irrevocably destroyed by an unwelcome comparison to Sandra Bullock.

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