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Horoscope for the week of February 10, 1999

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The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of February 10, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nobody will believe your outrageous tale of saving 25 cents on a bar of deodorant soap.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The planet Mercury in your sign means you'll travel soon, but the element mercury in your bloodstream indicates that it will be a trip to the hospital.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You begin to suspect that everyone hates you when everyone tells you so.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be cited as living proof that the word "love" can mean different things to different people.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your knack for survival in the cutthroat world of French politics prompts comparisons to Tallyrand (1754-1838), the famed statesman and diplomat.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your death proves that you were only half right about the afterlife: Though it’s true that Heaven does not want you, Hell is not afraid you’ll take over.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will find love, wealth and happiness in a strange alternate universe where total losers find love, wealth and happiness.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will stumble upon a little-known tax loophole which allows ritually mutilated Scorpios to claim an extra 7% deduction. Consider it carefully, as $350 is a lot of money.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be featured in several medical textbooks after meeting a highly motivated, self-starting body piercer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    We are sorry to report that you have been dropped from the new, more family-oriented Capricorn.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will finally find a job that enables you to call people at home and bother them about their long-distance carriers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your ego will be irrevocably destroyed by an unwelcome comparison to Sandra Bullock.

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