Horoscope for the week of February 10, 1999

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Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.


Horoscope for the week of February 10, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nobody will believe your outrageous tale of saving 25 cents on a bar of deodorant soap.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The planet Mercury in your sign means you'll travel soon, but the element mercury in your bloodstream indicates that it will be a trip to the hospital.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You begin to suspect that everyone hates you when everyone tells you so.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be cited as living proof that the word "love" can mean different things to different people.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your knack for survival in the cutthroat world of French politics prompts comparisons to Tallyrand (1754-1838), the famed statesman and diplomat.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your death proves that you were only half right about the afterlife: Though it’s true that Heaven does not want you, Hell is not afraid you’ll take over.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will find love, wealth and happiness in a strange alternate universe where total losers find love, wealth and happiness.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will stumble upon a little-known tax loophole which allows ritually mutilated Scorpios to claim an extra 7% deduction. Consider it carefully, as $350 is a lot of money.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be featured in several medical textbooks after meeting a highly motivated, self-starting body piercer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    We are sorry to report that you have been dropped from the new, more family-oriented Capricorn.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will finally find a job that enables you to call people at home and bother them about their long-distance carriers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your ego will be irrevocably destroyed by an unwelcome comparison to Sandra Bullock.