adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of February 10, 1999

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of February 10, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nobody will believe your outrageous tale of saving 25 cents on a bar of deodorant soap.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The planet Mercury in your sign means you'll travel soon, but the element mercury in your bloodstream indicates that it will be a trip to the hospital.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You begin to suspect that everyone hates you when everyone tells you so.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be cited as living proof that the word "love" can mean different things to different people.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your knack for survival in the cutthroat world of French politics prompts comparisons to Tallyrand (1754-1838), the famed statesman and diplomat.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your death proves that you were only half right about the afterlife: Though it’s true that Heaven does not want you, Hell is not afraid you’ll take over.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will find love, wealth and happiness in a strange alternate universe where total losers find love, wealth and happiness.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will stumble upon a little-known tax loophole which allows ritually mutilated Scorpios to claim an extra 7% deduction. Consider it carefully, as $350 is a lot of money.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be featured in several medical textbooks after meeting a highly motivated, self-starting body piercer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    We are sorry to report that you have been dropped from the new, more family-oriented Capricorn.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will finally find a job that enables you to call people at home and bother them about their long-distance carriers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your ego will be irrevocably destroyed by an unwelcome comparison to Sandra Bullock.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close