Horoscope for the week of February 11, 1998

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The Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution

Several global advocacy groups, including the World Health Organization, Amnesty International, and Human Rights Watch, are calling for the decriminalization of prostitution, but many are fighting to keep the practice illegal, citing the moral, ethical, and practical concerns of condoning the sale of sex. Here are the pros and cons of legalizing prostitution:

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of February 11, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Wearing less makeup and longer skirts to work will get you noticed by that handsome guy who works across the killing-floor from you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    One of the great mysteries of your life will be solved when you are at last introduced to the evil "Fifth Dentist" who did not recommend using Crest toothpaste.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will make absolutely no effort to take charge of your miserable life this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The government has announced a full recall on all late-1960s to mid-1970s Cancers. While proceeding to your local impound yard, avoid any sudden turns or stops, which could cause you to flip over and explode.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Jesus shall appear to you in a dream and offer to answer any single question. But when you ask Him how a loving God can permit so much horrible pain and suffering, He just tells you that you obviously don't get it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your beloved cats Oscar, Sofie, Tim, Gibson and Malcolm are asked to appear on national television after smothering you in your sleep.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that you will soon travel across water, but, when you stop to think about it, that could actually mean any number of different things.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will enter a 12-step program for workaholics and manage to finish the first 11 steps in the first two days.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You become an unwitting accomplice to hilarious comedy hijinks when you, a "guy," walk into a bar.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your birthday party will once again be ruined by highly trained, combat-tested military demolitions experts.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Everything would be right with the universe if only you would shoot that Andrew. Shoot him. Shoot him. Shoot him. Shooooooot him.