adBlockCheck

Recent News

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of February 11, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Wearing less makeup and longer skirts to work will get you noticed by that handsome guy who works across the killing-floor from you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    One of the great mysteries of your life will be solved when you are at last introduced to the evil "Fifth Dentist" who did not recommend using Crest toothpaste.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will make absolutely no effort to take charge of your miserable life this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The government has announced a full recall on all late-1960s to mid-1970s Cancers. While proceeding to your local impound yard, avoid any sudden turns or stops, which could cause you to flip over and explode.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Jesus shall appear to you in a dream and offer to answer any single question. But when you ask Him how a loving God can permit so much horrible pain and suffering, He just tells you that you obviously don't get it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your beloved cats Oscar, Sofie, Tim, Gibson and Malcolm are asked to appear on national television after smothering you in your sleep.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that you will soon travel across water, but, when you stop to think about it, that could actually mean any number of different things.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will enter a 12-step program for workaholics and manage to finish the first 11 steps in the first two days.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You become an unwitting accomplice to hilarious comedy hijinks when you, a "guy," walk into a bar.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your birthday party will once again be ruined by highly trained, combat-tested military demolitions experts.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Everything would be right with the universe if only you would shoot that Andrew. Shoot him. Shoot him. Shoot him. Shooooooot him.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close