Horoscope for the week of February 11, 1998

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Business

Horoscope for the week of February 11, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Wearing less makeup and longer skirts to work will get you noticed by that handsome guy who works across the killing-floor from you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    One of the great mysteries of your life will be solved when you are at last introduced to the evil "Fifth Dentist" who did not recommend using Crest toothpaste.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will make absolutely no effort to take charge of your miserable life this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The government has announced a full recall on all late-1960s to mid-1970s Cancers. While proceeding to your local impound yard, avoid any sudden turns or stops, which could cause you to flip over and explode.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Jesus shall appear to you in a dream and offer to answer any single question. But when you ask Him how a loving God can permit so much horrible pain and suffering, He just tells you that you obviously don't get it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your beloved cats Oscar, Sofie, Tim, Gibson and Malcolm are asked to appear on national television after smothering you in your sleep.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that you will soon travel across water, but, when you stop to think about it, that could actually mean any number of different things.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will enter a 12-step program for workaholics and manage to finish the first 11 steps in the first two days.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You become an unwitting accomplice to hilarious comedy hijinks when you, a "guy," walk into a bar.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your birthday party will once again be ruined by highly trained, combat-tested military demolitions experts.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Everything would be right with the universe if only you would shoot that Andrew. Shoot him. Shoot him. Shoot him. Shooooooot him.