TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
MADISON, WI—Saying that he is constantly offering words of encouragement and various pointers on maintaining a proper stance, sources confirmed Tuesday that no one at Damen’s Sports Complex appears to know a middle-aged man leaning against the batting cages giving people hitting advice.
DETROIT—Free to produce generic versions of the product after DoorBlocker’s 20-year patent ran out last month, hundreds of businesses have begun distributing cheap, off-brand doorstops to retail outlets nationwide, industry analysts confirmed Tuesday.
NEW HAVEN, CT—In a startling discovery that sheds new light on the woman Christians revere as the mother of their Lord and Savior, researchers at Yale Divinity School announced Monday that the Blessed Virgin Mary was in fact God’s second choice to bear His only son.
POTOMAC, MD—Providing male employees with an alternative to the standard one or two weeks off, executives from investment firm Wyndham Capital announced Tuesday that the company had begun offering extended paternity leave to any new fathers wanting more time to lose their colleagues’ respect.
BLOOMINGTON, IN—A new study published Friday by researchers at Indiana University revealed that U.S. citizens waste approximately 2 million hours annually trying to figure out where a roll of tape starts.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
Wearing less makeup and longer skirts to work will get you noticed by that handsome guy who works across the killing-floor from you.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
One of the great mysteries of your life will be solved when you are at last introduced to the evil "Fifth Dentist" who did not recommend using Crest toothpaste.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will make absolutely no effort to take charge of your miserable life this week.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The government has announced a full recall on all late-1960s to mid-1970s Cancers. While proceeding to your local impound yard, avoid any sudden turns or stops, which could cause you to flip over and explode.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Jesus shall appear to you in a dream and offer to answer any single question. But when you ask Him how a loving God can permit so much horrible pain and suffering, He just tells you that you obviously don't get it.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your beloved cats Oscar, Sofie, Tim, Gibson and Malcolm are asked to appear on national television after smothering you in your sleep.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars indicate that you will soon travel across water, but, when you stop to think about it, that could actually mean any number of different things.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will enter a 12-step program for workaholics and manage to finish the first 11 steps in the first two days.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You become an unwitting accomplice to hilarious comedy hijinks when you, a "guy," walk into a bar.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your birthday party will once again be ruined by highly trained, combat-tested military demolitions experts.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Everything would be right with the universe if only you would shoot that Andrew. Shoot him. Shoot him. Shoot him. Shooooooot him.