adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of February 11, 1998

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of February 11, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Wearing less makeup and longer skirts to work will get you noticed by that handsome guy who works across the killing-floor from you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    One of the great mysteries of your life will be solved when you are at last introduced to the evil "Fifth Dentist" who did not recommend using Crest toothpaste.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will make absolutely no effort to take charge of your miserable life this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The government has announced a full recall on all late-1960s to mid-1970s Cancers. While proceeding to your local impound yard, avoid any sudden turns or stops, which could cause you to flip over and explode.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Jesus shall appear to you in a dream and offer to answer any single question. But when you ask Him how a loving God can permit so much horrible pain and suffering, He just tells you that you obviously don't get it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your beloved cats Oscar, Sofie, Tim, Gibson and Malcolm are asked to appear on national television after smothering you in your sleep.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that you will soon travel across water, but, when you stop to think about it, that could actually mean any number of different things.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will enter a 12-step program for workaholics and manage to finish the first 11 steps in the first two days.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You become an unwitting accomplice to hilarious comedy hijinks when you, a "guy," walk into a bar.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your birthday party will once again be ruined by highly trained, combat-tested military demolitions experts.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Everything would be right with the universe if only you would shoot that Andrew. Shoot him. Shoot him. Shoot him. Shooooooot him.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close