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Horoscope for the week of February 11, 2004

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope for the week of February 11, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everything has to start somewhere. In spite of what you claim happened, the enraged bull elephant couldn't have just "come out of nowhere."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's beginning to look like you'll never understand that ruffled skirts don't look good with colored stockings, especially on men with legs like yours.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In a neat but unfortunate melding of rhetorical and actual elements, you'll get stuck in a rut and wake up in a ditch this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're easy to talk to once people get to know you, but holding your personal audiences on a throne of bloody skulls tends to put them off at first.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it's true that anger sex is some of the best sex you've ever had, it's still not a great way to resolve conflicts in the boardroom.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Economic trends are highly unpredictable, so don't be alarmed when your head's suddenly worth $10 million.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Relax: You're not the first person to pray for help with your diet, only to have a jealous God send visions of delicious, creamy fudge.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The next time you decide to run amok at a dog show, the Holy Sisters of St. Augustine respectfully ask that you leave them out of it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember that everyone has embarrassing moments, although it's true what you say: Theirs don't last for nine years.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's admirable that you're not getting all paranoid, especially considering the fact that everyone is plotting to take away everything you have.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll fail to win your case against television, even though there is no disputing that it transported you to faraway places while you were trying to get laundry done.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You know, maybe the fits are worth the hours of blissful unconsciousness afterwards.

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