Aries | March 21 to April 19
Everything has to start somewhere. In spite of what you claim happened, the enraged bull elephant couldn't have just "come out of nowhere."
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It's beginning to look like you'll never understand that ruffled skirts don't look good with colored stockings, especially on men with legs like yours.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
In a neat but unfortunate melding of rhetorical and actual elements, you'll get stuck in a rut and wake up in a ditch this week.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You're easy to talk to once people get to know you, but holding your personal audiences on a throne of bloody skulls tends to put them off at first.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
While it's true that anger sex is some of the best sex you've ever had, it's still not a great way to resolve conflicts in the boardroom.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Economic trends are highly unpredictable, so don't be alarmed when your head's suddenly worth $10 million.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Relax: You're not the first person to pray for help with your diet, only to have a jealous God send visions of delicious, creamy fudge.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The next time you decide to run amok at a dog show, the Holy Sisters of St. Augustine respectfully ask that you leave them out of it.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Remember that everyone has embarrassing moments, although it's true what you say: Theirs don't last for nine years.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It's admirable that you're not getting all paranoid, especially considering the fact that everyone is plotting to take away everything you have.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll fail to win your case against television, even though there is no disputing that it transported you to faraway places while you were trying to get laundry done.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You know, maybe the fits are worth the hours of blissful unconsciousness afterwards.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION