adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of February 11, 2004

Top Headlines

Recent News

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Horoscope for the week of February 11, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everything has to start somewhere. In spite of what you claim happened, the enraged bull elephant couldn't have just "come out of nowhere."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's beginning to look like you'll never understand that ruffled skirts don't look good with colored stockings, especially on men with legs like yours.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In a neat but unfortunate melding of rhetorical and actual elements, you'll get stuck in a rut and wake up in a ditch this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're easy to talk to once people get to know you, but holding your personal audiences on a throne of bloody skulls tends to put them off at first.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it's true that anger sex is some of the best sex you've ever had, it's still not a great way to resolve conflicts in the boardroom.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Economic trends are highly unpredictable, so don't be alarmed when your head's suddenly worth $10 million.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Relax: You're not the first person to pray for help with your diet, only to have a jealous God send visions of delicious, creamy fudge.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The next time you decide to run amok at a dog show, the Holy Sisters of St. Augustine respectfully ask that you leave them out of it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember that everyone has embarrassing moments, although it's true what you say: Theirs don't last for nine years.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's admirable that you're not getting all paranoid, especially considering the fact that everyone is plotting to take away everything you have.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll fail to win your case against television, even though there is no disputing that it transported you to faraway places while you were trying to get laundry done.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You know, maybe the fits are worth the hours of blissful unconsciousness afterwards.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close