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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Horoscope for the week of February 11, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everything has to start somewhere. In spite of what you claim happened, the enraged bull elephant couldn't have just "come out of nowhere."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's beginning to look like you'll never understand that ruffled skirts don't look good with colored stockings, especially on men with legs like yours.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In a neat but unfortunate melding of rhetorical and actual elements, you'll get stuck in a rut and wake up in a ditch this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're easy to talk to once people get to know you, but holding your personal audiences on a throne of bloody skulls tends to put them off at first.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it's true that anger sex is some of the best sex you've ever had, it's still not a great way to resolve conflicts in the boardroom.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Economic trends are highly unpredictable, so don't be alarmed when your head's suddenly worth $10 million.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Relax: You're not the first person to pray for help with your diet, only to have a jealous God send visions of delicious, creamy fudge.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The next time you decide to run amok at a dog show, the Holy Sisters of St. Augustine respectfully ask that you leave them out of it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember that everyone has embarrassing moments, although it's true what you say: Theirs don't last for nine years.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's admirable that you're not getting all paranoid, especially considering the fact that everyone is plotting to take away everything you have.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll fail to win your case against television, even though there is no disputing that it transported you to faraway places while you were trying to get laundry done.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You know, maybe the fits are worth the hours of blissful unconsciousness afterwards.
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