Horoscope for the week of February 11, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 06

That Guy From That One Show In Rehab

GLENDALE, CA—According to nurses at the Rosewater Rehabilitation Clinic, that guy who used to play the fat guy on that one show was admitted Monday for treatment of alcohol abuse and depression. "He looked exactly like he did on that one show, except a bit older and fatter," nurse Christina Prenz told reporters. "I asked him to do that thing he always used to do, but he just stared at me. Then he started crying." Prenz added that, during their group therapy session, she plans to ask him why the show was cancelled.

Household Death Toll Climbs To One

NEW HAVEN, CT—Police announced Monday that the accidental death of 68-year-old Joseph Lang increased the death toll at 320 E. Oak St. to a staggering one. "We retrieved Mr. Lang's body from his bathtub, where it appears he slipped and hit his head," police officer Chris Ramsey said. "Although we don't expect to find any additional victims, we're continuing our 48-hour search of the two-story home, just in case." Lang is survived by his wife Helen, who still resides in the deathtrap.

New Co-Op Airline Offers Cheaper Fares If You Help Fly The Plane

SAN FRANCISCO—GreenWay Airlines, a new low-cost, cooperative airline, offers inexpensive fares to passengers who assist with the flight, an airline spokesman said Monday. "Unlike pricey corporate airlines, GreenWay is run by and for the people," said Brad Olson, a member of the GreenWay elected board. "But, in order to keep our ticket prices low, everyone who wants to fly with us needs to pitch in and help us navigate and maintain the aircraft. All positions, from baggage handler to pilot, will be filled by volunteers who sign up for four-hour shifts." GreenWay will begin taking reservations for daily flights between San Francisco and Austin, TX, as soon as someone can figure out how to use the booking software.

Majority Of Americans Thought We Already Had A Moon Base

WASHINGTON, DC—A NASA poll conducted to gauge support for President Bush's space-exploration initiative revealed that a depressing 57 percent of Americans believe that the U.S. already has a research base on the moon. "We put that international space-station thing up there in the '60s," phone-poll respondent Randy Snow said. "It might be on Mars, but I think it's the moon—wherever they have the golf course that President Kennedy played on. Remember, the Cubans tried to take it over?" NASA officials said they hope someday to make Americans' perception a reality.

Radicals, Extremists Vie For Control Of Iran

TEHRAN—As the Feb. 20 parliamentary election approaches, hard-line conservative religious radicals and fundamentalist Islamic extremists are stepping up their disparate campaigns. "It's up to the people: Does the future of Iran lie in the hands of the far-right extremists or the far-far-right radicals?" said Ayatollah Ahmad Jannati, head of the hard-line Guardian Council that recently banned thousands of moderate candidates from the election. "Will the old-school clerics win, or is the country ready for a new stripe of fundamentalists who will take authoritarianism in an entirely different direction?" Jannati urged all of Iran's citizens to get out and make their votes count.

Gay Marriage

Last week, the Massachusetts high court sanctioned same-sex marriages in that state. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Horoscope for the week of February 11, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    Everything has to start somewhere. In spite of what you claim happened, the enraged bull elephant couldn't have just "come out of nowhere."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It's beginning to look like you'll never understand that ruffled skirts don't look good with colored stockings, especially on men with legs like yours.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    In a neat but unfortunate melding of rhetorical and actual elements, you'll get stuck in a rut and wake up in a ditch this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You're easy to talk to once people get to know you, but holding your personal audiences on a throne of bloody skulls tends to put them off at first.
  • Leo

    Leo

    While it's true that anger sex is some of the best sex you've ever had, it's still not a great way to resolve conflicts in the boardroom.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Economic trends are highly unpredictable, so don't be alarmed when your head's suddenly worth $10 million.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Relax: You're not the first person to pray for help with your diet, only to have a jealous God send visions of delicious, creamy fudge.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The next time you decide to run amok at a dog show, the Holy Sisters of St. Augustine respectfully ask that you leave them out of it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Remember that everyone has embarrassing moments, although it's true what you say: Theirs don't last for nine years.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It's admirable that you're not getting all paranoid, especially considering the fact that everyone is plotting to take away everything you have.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll fail to win your case against television, even though there is no disputing that it transported you to faraway places while you were trying to get laundry done.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You know, maybe the fits are worth the hours of blissful unconsciousness afterwards.
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