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Horoscope for the week of February 11, 2004

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of February 11, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everything has to start somewhere. In spite of what you claim happened, the enraged bull elephant couldn't have just "come out of nowhere."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's beginning to look like you'll never understand that ruffled skirts don't look good with colored stockings, especially on men with legs like yours.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In a neat but unfortunate melding of rhetorical and actual elements, you'll get stuck in a rut and wake up in a ditch this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're easy to talk to once people get to know you, but holding your personal audiences on a throne of bloody skulls tends to put them off at first.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it's true that anger sex is some of the best sex you've ever had, it's still not a great way to resolve conflicts in the boardroom.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Economic trends are highly unpredictable, so don't be alarmed when your head's suddenly worth $10 million.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Relax: You're not the first person to pray for help with your diet, only to have a jealous God send visions of delicious, creamy fudge.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The next time you decide to run amok at a dog show, the Holy Sisters of St. Augustine respectfully ask that you leave them out of it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember that everyone has embarrassing moments, although it's true what you say: Theirs don't last for nine years.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's admirable that you're not getting all paranoid, especially considering the fact that everyone is plotting to take away everything you have.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll fail to win your case against television, even though there is no disputing that it transported you to faraway places while you were trying to get laundry done.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You know, maybe the fits are worth the hours of blissful unconsciousness afterwards.

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