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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Horoscope for the week of February 12, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your dream of one day seducing Ringo Starr and bearing his children is spoiled forever when you find out how easy it is to do.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your debut in the local repertory theatre is poorly received after you decide that there is not nearly enough fellatio in Neil Simon's The Apartment.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be inspired by a popular magazine's claim that laughter is the best medicine, discontinue taking your insulin, and die from diabetic shock.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your enormous capacity for tequila and love of shouting "Fiesta!" result in your being appointed U.S. ambassador to Mexico.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will wind up on PETA's 10 most wanted list after the organization learns of your self-produced sound-effects album, 1,001 Baby Seal Necks Snapping.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    James Brown will follow you everywhere this week, laughing everytime you move your hips.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will make a fool out of yourself when, after your fiancée demands a gold wedding ring, you gouge out your fillings only to find that your cheapskate dentist has used an inferior polyurethane substance.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Tip of the week: Save some money by not buying groceries this Thursday, as Friday you will be run over by a bus.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A drunken attempt to slit your wrists goes awry this week, resulting in a wonderfully clean, close shave.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your office Valentine's Day party is ruined when the boss splits everyone into couples for breeding experiments and you are paired with "Fat Ted" Johnson from accounting.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will suffer agonizing unlife after Aphrodite decides you are too sexy to live but not sexy enough to die.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The spirit of Jane Fonda possesses you and forces you to rent Klute.

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