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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Horoscope for the week of February 12, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your dream of one day seducing Ringo Starr and bearing his children is spoiled forever when you find out how easy it is to do.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your debut in the local repertory theatre is poorly received after you decide that there is not nearly enough fellatio in Neil Simon's The Apartment.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be inspired by a popular magazine's claim that laughter is the best medicine, discontinue taking your insulin, and die from diabetic shock.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your enormous capacity for tequila and love of shouting "Fiesta!" result in your being appointed U.S. ambassador to Mexico.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will wind up on PETA's 10 most wanted list after the organization learns of your self-produced sound-effects album, 1,001 Baby Seal Necks Snapping.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    James Brown will follow you everywhere this week, laughing everytime you move your hips.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will make a fool out of yourself when, after your fiancée demands a gold wedding ring, you gouge out your fillings only to find that your cheapskate dentist has used an inferior polyurethane substance.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Tip of the week: Save some money by not buying groceries this Thursday, as Friday you will be run over by a bus.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A drunken attempt to slit your wrists goes awry this week, resulting in a wonderfully clean, close shave.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your office Valentine's Day party is ruined when the boss splits everyone into couples for breeding experiments and you are paired with "Fat Ted" Johnson from accounting.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will suffer agonizing unlife after Aphrodite decides you are too sexy to live but not sexy enough to die.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The spirit of Jane Fonda possesses you and forces you to rent Klute.

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