Horoscope for the week of February 12, 1997

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Recent News

Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Horoscope for the week of February 12, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your dream of one day seducing Ringo Starr and bearing his children is spoiled forever when you find out how easy it is to do.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your debut in the local repertory theatre is poorly received after you decide that there is not nearly enough fellatio in Neil Simon's The Apartment.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be inspired by a popular magazine's claim that laughter is the best medicine, discontinue taking your insulin, and die from diabetic shock.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your enormous capacity for tequila and love of shouting "Fiesta!" result in your being appointed U.S. ambassador to Mexico.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will wind up on PETA's 10 most wanted list after the organization learns of your self-produced sound-effects album, 1,001 Baby Seal Necks Snapping.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    James Brown will follow you everywhere this week, laughing everytime you move your hips.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will make a fool out of yourself when, after your fiancée demands a gold wedding ring, you gouge out your fillings only to find that your cheapskate dentist has used an inferior polyurethane substance.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Tip of the week: Save some money by not buying groceries this Thursday, as Friday you will be run over by a bus.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A drunken attempt to slit your wrists goes awry this week, resulting in a wonderfully clean, close shave.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your office Valentine's Day party is ruined when the boss splits everyone into couples for breeding experiments and you are paired with "Fat Ted" Johnson from accounting.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will suffer agonizing unlife after Aphrodite decides you are too sexy to live but not sexy enough to die.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The spirit of Jane Fonda possesses you and forces you to rent Klute.