Horoscope for the week of February 12, 1997

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Vol 31 Issue 05

Style Replaces Substance

In a change years in the making, style officially replaced substance Monday, tipping artistic balance of power from deep, meaningful expression to glossy, superficial artifice. "Form has finally assumed its rightful place as the driving force in the creative process," said Harv Nevitt of Style magazine. "No more time will be wasted on genuinely substantive content." Style is expected to reign supreme over substance until style itself becomes substance, when it will be replaced by an even more vacant form of style.

Government Squandering Social Security Funds On Cake

WASHINGTON, DC—An independent panel revealed Friday that Congress is squandering the nation's $80 billion Social Security reserves on cake. According to the panel report, some of the cake was served in "extra-large helpings," sparking outrage among taxpayers. Cake-related abuse of funds will be further investigated by a congressional subcommittee, headed by Sen. John Ashcroft (R-MO), who reportedly "does not like cake."

Paramount Home Video Pleased To Bring Man Feature Presentation

SOMERVILLE, MA—Paramount Pictures CEO Jerry Rubin announced Monday that his company is pleased to present Beverly Hills Cop 2 to Somerville-area home-video rental consumer Nathan DeGaetano, 36. Said Rubin, "I know I speak for everyone here at Paramount Pictures when I say that we are pleased to present this terrific Paramount Home Video release starring Eddie Murphy and Judge Reinhold to Mr. DeGaetano." Paramount will personally convey this sentiment to DeGaetano with a colorful, computer-generated image of a mountain and a professionally pre-recorded message immediately preceding the feature presentation.

Felt Board Adds Clarity To Christ's Teachings

WILMINGTON, NC—A felt board made the teachings of Jesus Christ clear and easy to understand for the sixth-graders attending Sunday school at Holy Redeemer Catholic Church Sunday. "The white block letters velcroed onto the felt board helped me to understand that I will burn in hell if I sin," said Brian Klesko, 12. Sunday school teacher Helene Hildebrant used the felt board because of the children's natural interest in both colorful objects and fuzziness. "I decided that the concepts of ritualized cannibalistic consumption of Christ's body and blood and the condemnation of all non-Christian peoples to eternal suffering in Hell would be easier for today's children to understand if presented in a fun and colorful medium such as a felt board."

Military Hazing

The U.S. military has come under fire for hazing recently, most notably for a controversial videotape depicting Marines "pinning" new recruits, stabbing medals into their chests. What do you think?

I Don't Miss My Arms

It's been almost two years since the auto accident, but you know what? I don't miss my arms at all!

Gymnasts Are Hot!

My spectator event of preference would be the sport (perhaps even "art") of gymnastics. There is nothing in this world I prefer to a quiet afternoon sitting on my rattan sofa watching lithe nymphs express themselves through motion on the uneven bars. Their supple bodies wrap around the wooden bars and contort themselves in ways nature never intended. They are as fiexible as the branches of the fragile willow blown by a cruel wind.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Horoscope for the week of February 12, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your dream of one day seducing Ringo Starr and bearing his children is spoiled forever when you find out how easy it is to do.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your debut in the local repertory theatre is poorly received after you decide that there is not nearly enough fellatio in Neil Simon's The Apartment.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will be inspired by a popular magazine's claim that laughter is the best medicine, discontinue taking your insulin, and die from diabetic shock.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your enormous capacity for tequila and love of shouting "Fiesta!" result in your being appointed U.S. ambassador to Mexico.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will wind up on PETA's 10 most wanted list after the organization learns of your self-produced sound-effects album, 1,001 Baby Seal Necks Snapping.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    James Brown will follow you everywhere this week, laughing everytime you move your hips.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will make a fool out of yourself when, after your fiancée demands a gold wedding ring, you gouge out your fillings only to find that your cheapskate dentist has used an inferior polyurethane substance.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Tip of the week: Save some money by not buying groceries this Thursday, as Friday you will be run over by a bus.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A drunken attempt to slit your wrists goes awry this week, resulting in a wonderfully clean, close shave.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your office Valentine's Day party is ruined when the boss splits everyone into couples for breeding experiments and you are paired with "Fat Ted" Johnson from accounting.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will suffer agonizing unlife after Aphrodite decides you are too sexy to live but not sexy enough to die.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The spirit of Jane Fonda possesses you and forces you to rent Klute.
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