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Horoscope for the week of February 12, 2003

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 12, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The media will proclaim you the new John F. Kennedy for your charisma, sense of style, and massive gunshot wound to the back of the head.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your concern over what kind of mother you'll be is admirable, not to mention rare for such a young man.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll continue to question your faith in a God who would allow the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're proud of your conviction that rules were made to be broken, but it might be wise to keep this from the prosecuting attorney.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    All the wishing in the world can't bring your dead mother back to life, but animal sacrifices have been known to work wonders.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, but that doesn't mean you should feel comfortable once you're out of the hospital.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will finally be cleared of wrongdoing in the infamous "Bloodbath At Bala Hissar," when the Royal British Marines admit it happened 130 years before you were born.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll run up against a problem that all the charm in the world can't solve, so it's a good thing you haven't got any.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're one of the rare people who's willing to die for what you believe in, which is strange because you mostly just believe in using as many coupons as possible.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's nice that you enjoyed the chicken pot pie, chips, and beer, but the genie was surprised you didn't try the old "wishing for more wishes" trick.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Next week is a good one for romance in the workplace, but why they always have to use your office is beyond you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The incident-reconstruction specialists will thank you for the chance to work with so many monkeys.

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