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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Horoscope for the week of February 12, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The media will proclaim you the new John F. Kennedy for your charisma, sense of style, and massive gunshot wound to the back of the head.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your concern over what kind of mother you'll be is admirable, not to mention rare for such a young man.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll continue to question your faith in a God who would allow the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're proud of your conviction that rules were made to be broken, but it might be wise to keep this from the prosecuting attorney.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    All the wishing in the world can't bring your dead mother back to life, but animal sacrifices have been known to work wonders.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, but that doesn't mean you should feel comfortable once you're out of the hospital.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will finally be cleared of wrongdoing in the infamous "Bloodbath At Bala Hissar," when the Royal British Marines admit it happened 130 years before you were born.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll run up against a problem that all the charm in the world can't solve, so it's a good thing you haven't got any.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're one of the rare people who's willing to die for what you believe in, which is strange because you mostly just believe in using as many coupons as possible.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's nice that you enjoyed the chicken pot pie, chips, and beer, but the genie was surprised you didn't try the old "wishing for more wishes" trick.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Next week is a good one for romance in the workplace, but why they always have to use your office is beyond you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The incident-reconstruction specialists will thank you for the chance to work with so many monkeys.

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