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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Horoscope for the week of February 12, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The media will proclaim you the new John F. Kennedy for your charisma, sense of style, and massive gunshot wound to the back of the head.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your concern over what kind of mother you'll be is admirable, not to mention rare for such a young man.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll continue to question your faith in a God who would allow the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're proud of your conviction that rules were made to be broken, but it might be wise to keep this from the prosecuting attorney.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    All the wishing in the world can't bring your dead mother back to life, but animal sacrifices have been known to work wonders.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, but that doesn't mean you should feel comfortable once you're out of the hospital.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will finally be cleared of wrongdoing in the infamous "Bloodbath At Bala Hissar," when the Royal British Marines admit it happened 130 years before you were born.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll run up against a problem that all the charm in the world can't solve, so it's a good thing you haven't got any.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're one of the rare people who's willing to die for what you believe in, which is strange because you mostly just believe in using as many coupons as possible.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's nice that you enjoyed the chicken pot pie, chips, and beer, but the genie was surprised you didn't try the old "wishing for more wishes" trick.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Next week is a good one for romance in the workplace, but why they always have to use your office is beyond you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The incident-reconstruction specialists will thank you for the chance to work with so many monkeys.
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