adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of February 12, 2003

Top Headlines

Recent News

The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of February 12, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The media will proclaim you the new John F. Kennedy for your charisma, sense of style, and massive gunshot wound to the back of the head.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your concern over what kind of mother you'll be is admirable, not to mention rare for such a young man.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll continue to question your faith in a God who would allow the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're proud of your conviction that rules were made to be broken, but it might be wise to keep this from the prosecuting attorney.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    All the wishing in the world can't bring your dead mother back to life, but animal sacrifices have been known to work wonders.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, but that doesn't mean you should feel comfortable once you're out of the hospital.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will finally be cleared of wrongdoing in the infamous "Bloodbath At Bala Hissar," when the Royal British Marines admit it happened 130 years before you were born.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll run up against a problem that all the charm in the world can't solve, so it's a good thing you haven't got any.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're one of the rare people who's willing to die for what you believe in, which is strange because you mostly just believe in using as many coupons as possible.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's nice that you enjoyed the chicken pot pie, chips, and beer, but the genie was surprised you didn't try the old "wishing for more wishes" trick.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Next week is a good one for romance in the workplace, but why they always have to use your office is beyond you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The incident-reconstruction specialists will thank you for the chance to work with so many monkeys.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close