Aries | March 21 to April 19
The media will proclaim you the new John F. Kennedy for your charisma, sense of style, and massive gunshot wound to the back of the head.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your concern over what kind of mother you'll be is admirable, not to mention rare for such a young man.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll continue to question your faith in a God who would allow the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You're proud of your conviction that rules were made to be broken, but it might be wise to keep this from the prosecuting attorney.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
All the wishing in the world can't bring your dead mother back to life, but animal sacrifices have been known to work wonders.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, but that doesn't mean you should feel comfortable once you're out of the hospital.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will finally be cleared of wrongdoing in the infamous "Bloodbath At Bala Hissar," when the Royal British Marines admit it happened 130 years before you were born.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll run up against a problem that all the charm in the world can't solve, so it's a good thing you haven't got any.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You're one of the rare people who's willing to die for what you believe in, which is strange because you mostly just believe in using as many coupons as possible.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It's nice that you enjoyed the chicken pot pie, chips, and beer, but the genie was surprised you didn't try the old "wishing for more wishes" trick.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Next week is a good one for romance in the workplace, but why they always have to use your office is beyond you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The incident-reconstruction specialists will thank you for the chance to work with so many monkeys.
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