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Horoscope for the week of February 13, 2002

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of February 13, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your heart will be shattered by a beautiful scientist who removes it from your body, dips it in liquid nitrogen, and drops it to the ground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Parents' groups would like to have a word with you regarding the extreme, gratuitous violence in your near future.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It turns out that sneaking in and having sex on your boss' desk isn't as sexy as it sounded, especially with him taking phone calls the whole time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Dating isn't always easy, but you've got to either dust yourself off and get back in the saddle or stop dating horses.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It isn't the fear of failure that keeps you from trying new things. It's the fear of the gorillas who eat people who try new things your mother told you about.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You are tantalizingly close to achieving your dream of becoming the first blind person to fly an airplane around the world. Just put your eyes out.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You aren't the first person to fall in love with someone, only to realize he's not the person you thought he was. However, due to the recent, sudden maturation of the entire human race, you're the last.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes, you just have to grin and try again with a fresher corpse and slight changes to the formula.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that, although they know you're going through a rough time, they're only going to put up with so many of your late-night phone calls.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be told that "your appeal to reason and personal responsibility is a light that will never go out" by weirdos who've mistaken you for Ayn Rand.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you're not prejudiced, you have a hard time believing that a mule can kick field goals.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The world may end "not with a bang but a whimper," but the end of your world will have plenty of both.

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