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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscope for the week of February 13, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your heart will be shattered by a beautiful scientist who removes it from your body, dips it in liquid nitrogen, and drops it to the ground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Parents' groups would like to have a word with you regarding the extreme, gratuitous violence in your near future.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It turns out that sneaking in and having sex on your boss' desk isn't as sexy as it sounded, especially with him taking phone calls the whole time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Dating isn't always easy, but you've got to either dust yourself off and get back in the saddle or stop dating horses.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It isn't the fear of failure that keeps you from trying new things. It's the fear of the gorillas who eat people who try new things your mother told you about.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You are tantalizingly close to achieving your dream of becoming the first blind person to fly an airplane around the world. Just put your eyes out.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You aren't the first person to fall in love with someone, only to realize he's not the person you thought he was. However, due to the recent, sudden maturation of the entire human race, you're the last.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes, you just have to grin and try again with a fresher corpse and slight changes to the formula.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that, although they know you're going through a rough time, they're only going to put up with so many of your late-night phone calls.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be told that "your appeal to reason and personal responsibility is a light that will never go out" by weirdos who've mistaken you for Ayn Rand.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you're not prejudiced, you have a hard time believing that a mule can kick field goals.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The world may end "not with a bang but a whimper," but the end of your world will have plenty of both.
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