adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of February 13, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your heart will be shattered by a beautiful scientist who removes it from your body, dips it in liquid nitrogen, and drops it to the ground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Parents' groups would like to have a word with you regarding the extreme, gratuitous violence in your near future.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It turns out that sneaking in and having sex on your boss' desk isn't as sexy as it sounded, especially with him taking phone calls the whole time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Dating isn't always easy, but you've got to either dust yourself off and get back in the saddle or stop dating horses.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It isn't the fear of failure that keeps you from trying new things. It's the fear of the gorillas who eat people who try new things your mother told you about.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You are tantalizingly close to achieving your dream of becoming the first blind person to fly an airplane around the world. Just put your eyes out.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You aren't the first person to fall in love with someone, only to realize he's not the person you thought he was. However, due to the recent, sudden maturation of the entire human race, you're the last.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes, you just have to grin and try again with a fresher corpse and slight changes to the formula.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that, although they know you're going through a rough time, they're only going to put up with so many of your late-night phone calls.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be told that "your appeal to reason and personal responsibility is a light that will never go out" by weirdos who've mistaken you for Ayn Rand.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you're not prejudiced, you have a hard time believing that a mule can kick field goals.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The world may end "not with a bang but a whimper," but the end of your world will have plenty of both.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close