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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of February 13, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your heart will be shattered by a beautiful scientist who removes it from your body, dips it in liquid nitrogen, and drops it to the ground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Parents' groups would like to have a word with you regarding the extreme, gratuitous violence in your near future.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It turns out that sneaking in and having sex on your boss' desk isn't as sexy as it sounded, especially with him taking phone calls the whole time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Dating isn't always easy, but you've got to either dust yourself off and get back in the saddle or stop dating horses.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It isn't the fear of failure that keeps you from trying new things. It's the fear of the gorillas who eat people who try new things your mother told you about.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You are tantalizingly close to achieving your dream of becoming the first blind person to fly an airplane around the world. Just put your eyes out.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You aren't the first person to fall in love with someone, only to realize he's not the person you thought he was. However, due to the recent, sudden maturation of the entire human race, you're the last.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes, you just have to grin and try again with a fresher corpse and slight changes to the formula.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that, although they know you're going through a rough time, they're only going to put up with so many of your late-night phone calls.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be told that "your appeal to reason and personal responsibility is a light that will never go out" by weirdos who've mistaken you for Ayn Rand.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you're not prejudiced, you have a hard time believing that a mule can kick field goals.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The world may end "not with a bang but a whimper," but the end of your world will have plenty of both.

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