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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Horoscope for the week of February 14, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be pursued by millions of hungry, nutrition-conscious Americans when it is revealed that you are part of a complete breakfast.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done from inside one of these things.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your habit of standing on your desk and flailing about with a fire ax will continue to be distracting and divisive at your office.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your striking resemblance to TV's Craig T. Nelson will somehow fail to get you laid for yet another week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've always said that premature baldness never killed anybody, but the tragic events of next week will force you to eat those words.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After 12 years of living alone in the bush, you're beginning to think the damned snipe is never going to show.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will go down in linguistic and polar history next week when it is discovered that the Eskimos have more than 600 words for what a big jerk you are.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Next week's trials and tribulations will force you to stand tall and be a man, even though you were born short and female.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you'll certainly be proud to have your own action figure, you would have rather had one that didn't feature realistic spastic-colon action.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember, the impressive thing is not how well the bear dances. It's how incredibly sexily the bear dances.

More from this section

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

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