Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will be pursued by millions of hungry, nutrition-conscious Americans when it is revealed that you are part of a complete breakfast.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done from inside one of these things.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your habit of standing on your desk and flailing about with a fire ax will continue to be distracting and divisive at your office.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your striking resemblance to TV's Craig T. Nelson will somehow fail to get you laid for yet another week.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You've always said that premature baldness never killed anybody, but the tragic events of next week will force you to eat those words.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After 12 years of living alone in the bush, you're beginning to think the damned snipe is never going to show.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will go down in linguistic and polar history next week when it is discovered that the Eskimos have more than 600 words for what a big jerk you are.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Next week's trials and tribulations will force you to stand tall and be a man, even though you were born short and female.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Though you'll certainly be proud to have your own action figure, you would have rather had one that didn't feature realistic spastic-colon action.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Remember, the impressive thing is not how well the bear dances. It's how incredibly sexily the bear dances.
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