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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Notable Female Writers Throughout History

Jane Austen died 200 years ago today, but she continues to be widely read and influential to today’s writers. The Onion highlights some of the most notable female authors throughout history.
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Horoscope for the week of February 14, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be pursued by millions of hungry, nutrition-conscious Americans when it is revealed that you are part of a complete breakfast.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done from inside one of these things.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your habit of standing on your desk and flailing about with a fire ax will continue to be distracting and divisive at your office.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your striking resemblance to TV's Craig T. Nelson will somehow fail to get you laid for yet another week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've always said that premature baldness never killed anybody, but the tragic events of next week will force you to eat those words.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After 12 years of living alone in the bush, you're beginning to think the damned snipe is never going to show.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will go down in linguistic and polar history next week when it is discovered that the Eskimos have more than 600 words for what a big jerk you are.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Next week's trials and tribulations will force you to stand tall and be a man, even though you were born short and female.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you'll certainly be proud to have your own action figure, you would have rather had one that didn't feature realistic spastic-colon action.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember, the impressive thing is not how well the bear dances. It's how incredibly sexily the bear dances.

More from this section

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

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