Horoscope for the week of February 14, 2001

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 14, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be pursued by millions of hungry, nutrition-conscious Americans when it is revealed that you are part of a complete breakfast.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done from inside one of these things.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your habit of standing on your desk and flailing about with a fire ax will continue to be distracting and divisive at your office.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your striking resemblance to TV's Craig T. Nelson will somehow fail to get you laid for yet another week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've always said that premature baldness never killed anybody, but the tragic events of next week will force you to eat those words.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After 12 years of living alone in the bush, you're beginning to think the damned snipe is never going to show.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will go down in linguistic and polar history next week when it is discovered that the Eskimos have more than 600 words for what a big jerk you are.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Next week's trials and tribulations will force you to stand tall and be a man, even though you were born short and female.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you'll certainly be proud to have your own action figure, you would have rather had one that didn't feature realistic spastic-colon action.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember, the impressive thing is not how well the bear dances. It's how incredibly sexily the bear dances.
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