Horoscope for the week of February 14, 2001

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Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of February 14, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be pursued by millions of hungry, nutrition-conscious Americans when it is revealed that you are part of a complete breakfast.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done from inside one of these things.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your habit of standing on your desk and flailing about with a fire ax will continue to be distracting and divisive at your office.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your striking resemblance to TV's Craig T. Nelson will somehow fail to get you laid for yet another week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've always said that premature baldness never killed anybody, but the tragic events of next week will force you to eat those words.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After 12 years of living alone in the bush, you're beginning to think the damned snipe is never going to show.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will go down in linguistic and polar history next week when it is discovered that the Eskimos have more than 600 words for what a big jerk you are.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Next week's trials and tribulations will force you to stand tall and be a man, even though you were born short and female.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you'll certainly be proud to have your own action figure, you would have rather had one that didn't feature realistic spastic-colon action.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember, the impressive thing is not how well the bear dances. It's how incredibly sexily the bear dances.