Horoscope for the week of February 14, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 05

Movie Deemed Acceptable For Mom And Dad

LOCK HAVEN, PA–Looking for a video to watch with his parents during a weekend visit, 28-year-old Steve Berg rented Small Time Crooks Sunday. "This seems good–no sex or violence," said Berg, studying the back of the box. "I could get Analyze This, but there's an outside chance it has some bad language." While home last Thanksgiving, Berg squirmed through Double Jeopardy with his mother, unaware that it contained brief nudity.

Star Wars Gamer Magazine Boldly Claims To Be The Leading Magazine For Star Wars Gamers

NICASIO, CA–The debut issue of Star Wars Gamer, which hit newsstands Monday, audaciously boasts that the magazine is "the world's leading publication for Star Wars gaming fans." "Whether you're looking to take your character on an adventure on Yavin IV, soup up your B-wing fighter, or paint an army of Stormtrooper miniatures, Star Wars Gamer is the only Star Wars gaming source you'll ever need," the issue brashly proclaims. Said Chad Burnley, an Athens, GA, Star Wars gamer: "They are certainly going out on a limb to make this claim. If a second Star Wars gaming magazine were ever to be published, they'd have to work really hard to maintain their number-one status."

Jerry Lewis Undergoes Emergency Gefloigel Surgery

LOS ANGELES–Less than an hour after doctors discovered that the gland had become all screwy with the infections, legendary comedian Jerry Lewis underwent emergency surgery to remove his gefloigel Monday. "We had to go in through Mr. Lewis' schlaphlecky system, bypassing the oy-hayvel," said Dr. Jacob Weisz, Nice Mister Chief of Surgery at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. "But in the end, we were able to get him all being better and healthy, you know." Doctors have prescribed Lewis several weeks of bedrest, with the sleeping and the flowers and the nice music and hrrrrrn.

The Cruise-Kidman Divorce

After 10 years of marriage, Hollywood power couple Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman announced their divorce on Feb. 5. What were the reasons for the split on each side?

Fashion Victim

A few days ago, if you'd asked me what "nepotism" meant, I would have guessed it was some sort of eye disorder. But boy, oh, boy, Jeanketeers, since then I've learned what the word really means! (The hard way!)

My Collection Of Cassingles Is Second To None

In the realm of the true musical aesthete, there are some who rise above the madding crowd. At the risk of seeming immodest, I must confess that I am a member of this elite upper strata. I have put my love of music before all else in my life, and I feel supremely confident in asserting that my collection of cassingles is second to none.

Clinton And The Fugitive Financier

Congress is investigating Bill Clinton's pardon of Marc Rich, a major Democratic Party contributor who since 1983 has been living in Switzerland to avoid trial for racketeering, tax evasion, and trading with Iran. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Horoscope for the week of February 14, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will be pursued by millions of hungry, nutrition-conscious Americans when it is revealed that you are part of a complete breakfast.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done from inside one of these things.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your habit of standing on your desk and flailing about with a fire ax will continue to be distracting and divisive at your office.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your striking resemblance to TV's Craig T. Nelson will somehow fail to get you laid for yet another week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You've always said that premature baldness never killed anybody, but the tragic events of next week will force you to eat those words.
  • Libra

    Libra

    After 12 years of living alone in the bush, you're beginning to think the damned snipe is never going to show.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will go down in linguistic and polar history next week when it is discovered that the Eskimos have more than 600 words for what a big jerk you are.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Next week's trials and tribulations will force you to stand tall and be a man, even though you were born short and female.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Though you'll certainly be proud to have your own action figure, you would have rather had one that didn't feature realistic spastic-colon action.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Remember, the impressive thing is not how well the bear dances. It's how incredibly sexily the bear dances.
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