Horoscope for the week of February 14, 2002

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Recent News

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Productivity

Horoscope for the week of February 14, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be reminded of your steady physical decline when paleontologists mistakenly identify you as the remains of a long-extinct species of dugong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're worried about your upcoming trial because, as an arrogant evil genius, you're not sure what the court considers a "jury of your peers."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The dangers of time travel become all too real when you meet your new boyfriend's parents and discover they come from the year 1956.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You finally realize your dream of opening your own restaurant, but in doing so, you've provoked the ire of those who think it should let in people besides you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your plan to strike from the shadows and slip away unseen will be seen as inappropriate by the other teachers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll put up a valiant effort during an upcoming gunfight, but in the end, victory will belong to the gun.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be rewarded for your slavish scenestership with burial in the Tomb of the Well-Known Poseur.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Climbing the highest mountain and swimming the deepest ocean are fine, but you don't see why you need to eat the largest rib roast to win her love.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be known as the Mao of block captains when you instruct everyone in your neighborhood to assemble iron smithys in their backyards.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The ghost of E.B. White will appear to you and exact revenge for every extraneous comma you've ever used.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A close brush with death will shock you into turning your life around and becoming heavily involved in drinking, drugs, and casual sex.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You always knew you'd go to hell in the end, but no one mentioned you'd have to sit next to the proud inventor of Post-It Notes.