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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of February 14, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be reminded of your steady physical decline when paleontologists mistakenly identify you as the remains of a long-extinct species of dugong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're worried about your upcoming trial because, as an arrogant evil genius, you're not sure what the court considers a "jury of your peers."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The dangers of time travel become all too real when you meet your new boyfriend's parents and discover they come from the year 1956.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You finally realize your dream of opening your own restaurant, but in doing so, you've provoked the ire of those who think it should let in people besides you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your plan to strike from the shadows and slip away unseen will be seen as inappropriate by the other teachers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll put up a valiant effort during an upcoming gunfight, but in the end, victory will belong to the gun.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be rewarded for your slavish scenestership with burial in the Tomb of the Well-Known Poseur.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Climbing the highest mountain and swimming the deepest ocean are fine, but you don't see why you need to eat the largest rib roast to win her love.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be known as the Mao of block captains when you instruct everyone in your neighborhood to assemble iron smithys in their backyards.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The ghost of E.B. White will appear to you and exact revenge for every extraneous comma you've ever used.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A close brush with death will shock you into turning your life around and becoming heavily involved in drinking, drugs, and casual sex.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You always knew you'd go to hell in the end, but no one mentioned you'd have to sit next to the proud inventor of Post-It Notes.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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