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Horoscope for the week of February 14, 2002

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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Horoscope for the week of February 14, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be reminded of your steady physical decline when paleontologists mistakenly identify you as the remains of a long-extinct species of dugong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're worried about your upcoming trial because, as an arrogant evil genius, you're not sure what the court considers a "jury of your peers."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The dangers of time travel become all too real when you meet your new boyfriend's parents and discover they come from the year 1956.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You finally realize your dream of opening your own restaurant, but in doing so, you've provoked the ire of those who think it should let in people besides you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your plan to strike from the shadows and slip away unseen will be seen as inappropriate by the other teachers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll put up a valiant effort during an upcoming gunfight, but in the end, victory will belong to the gun.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be rewarded for your slavish scenestership with burial in the Tomb of the Well-Known Poseur.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Climbing the highest mountain and swimming the deepest ocean are fine, but you don't see why you need to eat the largest rib roast to win her love.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be known as the Mao of block captains when you instruct everyone in your neighborhood to assemble iron smithys in their backyards.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The ghost of E.B. White will appear to you and exact revenge for every extraneous comma you've ever used.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A close brush with death will shock you into turning your life around and becoming heavily involved in drinking, drugs, and casual sex.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You always knew you'd go to hell in the end, but no one mentioned you'd have to sit next to the proud inventor of Post-It Notes.

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