adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of February 14, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be reminded of your steady physical decline when paleontologists mistakenly identify you as the remains of a long-extinct species of dugong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're worried about your upcoming trial because, as an arrogant evil genius, you're not sure what the court considers a "jury of your peers."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The dangers of time travel become all too real when you meet your new boyfriend's parents and discover they come from the year 1956.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You finally realize your dream of opening your own restaurant, but in doing so, you've provoked the ire of those who think it should let in people besides you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your plan to strike from the shadows and slip away unseen will be seen as inappropriate by the other teachers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll put up a valiant effort during an upcoming gunfight, but in the end, victory will belong to the gun.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be rewarded for your slavish scenestership with burial in the Tomb of the Well-Known Poseur.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Climbing the highest mountain and swimming the deepest ocean are fine, but you don't see why you need to eat the largest rib roast to win her love.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be known as the Mao of block captains when you instruct everyone in your neighborhood to assemble iron smithys in their backyards.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The ghost of E.B. White will appear to you and exact revenge for every extraneous comma you've ever used.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A close brush with death will shock you into turning your life around and becoming heavily involved in drinking, drugs, and casual sex.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You always knew you'd go to hell in the end, but no one mentioned you'd have to sit next to the proud inventor of Post-It Notes.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close