Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will be reminded of your steady physical decline when paleontologists mistakenly identify you as the remains of a long-extinct species of dugong.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You're worried about your upcoming trial because, as an arrogant evil genius, you're not sure what the court considers a "jury of your peers."
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The dangers of time travel become all too real when you meet your new boyfriend's parents and discover they come from the year 1956.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You finally realize your dream of opening your own restaurant, but in doing so, you've provoked the ire of those who think it should let in people besides you.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your plan to strike from the shadows and slip away unseen will be seen as inappropriate by the other teachers.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll put up a valiant effort during an upcoming gunfight, but in the end, victory will belong to the gun.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be rewarded for your slavish scenestership with burial in the Tomb of the Well-Known Poseur.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Climbing the highest mountain and swimming the deepest ocean are fine, but you don't see why you need to eat the largest rib roast to win her love.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will be known as the Mao of block captains when you instruct everyone in your neighborhood to assemble iron smithys in their backyards.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The ghost of E.B. White will appear to you and exact revenge for every extraneous comma you've ever used.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A close brush with death will shock you into turning your life around and becoming heavily involved in drinking, drugs, and casual sex.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You always knew you'd go to hell in the end, but no one mentioned you'd have to sit next to the proud inventor of Post-It Notes.
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