Aries | March 21 to April 19
Stop telling everybody you live in a gated community. No matter how you try to dress it up, it's still jail.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You thought becoming a shark hunter would change your life, but it's still pretty much the same, except when you're hunting all those sharks.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Christ will appear to you in a dream but, unfortunately, it's not a very sexy dream.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite your claims of historical importance, the authorities still refuse to grant you a permit for your school-shooting re-enactment.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will be appalled by the group of self-righteous losers the state considers a jury of your peers.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
There comes a time in every person's life when he or she must stand aside for the younger generation, but your kids are still too young to work the loom.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your own special brand of justice turns out to just be shooting people.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The residents of Walla Walla and Kalamazoo will contact you and demand that you stop using the names of their cities as some kind of weak joke.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Venus in your sign means you're traveling through some rough romantic waters. Bullet holes in the road signs, however, mean you're traveling through Texas.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Next week will be a time of great financial and emotional rewards. It's just too bad you won't be there to see it.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Bad news for your immortal soul: God doesn't believe your claim that you "just didn't see" the train, and suicide is still a mortal sin.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars indicate you shouldn't forget Katya's potluck this Friday at 6 p.m.
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