Horoscope for the week of February 16, 2000

In This Section

Vol 36 Issue 05

New Mommy A Lot Prettier

BUTLER, PA—According to Courtney and Brady Leuchter, their new mommy doesn't even make them turn off the Nintendo.

Woman Doomed To Years Of Hippo-Themed Gifts

JACKSONVILLE, FL–Remarking, "Oh, I love hippos!" upon receiving a birthday gift of a porcelain hippopotamus, area resident Karen Voldstead doomed herself to a lifetime of hippo-themed gifts Monday. "I don't even know why I said it," said Voldstead, 24, shortly after receiving the small statuette from a coworker. "I don't especially like hippos. I guess I was just trying to find something nice to say since I didn't really like it." The next day at work, Volstead received several "belated" birthday gifts, including a stuffed hippo, a rollerskating-hippo coffee mug, and a hippo-shaped doorstop.

World Gets First-Ever Look Inside Greenspan Fantasy Ranch

YORBA LINDA, CA–In an exclusive, first-ever peek inside the fabled estate, CNNfn cameras were allowed onto the grounds of Fiscalypso, Federal Reserve chair Alan Greenspan's palatial Yorba Linda fantasy ranch, Monday. Greeting CNNfn reporter Dan Grentsch in a purple fur coat and Speedo swim trunks, the reclusive financial genius gave a guided tour of the 200-room mansion, pointing out such sights as his ruby-encrusted stock ticker, his rotating dollar-sign-shaped waterbed, and the "Love Hut," a shag-carpeted, warehouse-sized room stocked with nubile virgins from each of the seven major industrialized nations.

Clinton's Sight Restored

BETHESDA, MD–In a groundbreaking six-hour operation Monday, doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital successfully restored President Clinton's eyesight. "The first thing Clinton saw when the bandages were removed was the face of his beloved daughter Chelsea," Bethesda ocular surgeon Kenneth Blaine told reporters. Chelsea had been sitting patiently for hours, waiting for him to wake so all could find out whether the highly experimental procedure had been successful. "The president shed a tear, saying that his 'little girl' has grown into a beautiful young woman.'" Clinton aides said he plans to step down from the presidency to return to his figure-skating career.

Too Sexy Too Soon?

A new wave of sultry teen pop princesses, including Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Mandy Moore, are drawing fire from concerned parents, who say they present inappropriately sexualized images to little girls who look up to them. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Innovation

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Horoscope for the week of February 16, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    Stop telling everybody you live in a gated community. No matter how you try to dress it up, it's still jail.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You thought becoming a shark hunter would change your life, but it's still pretty much the same, except when you're hunting all those sharks.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Christ will appear to you in a dream but, unfortunately, it's not a very sexy dream.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Despite your claims of historical importance, the authorities still refuse to grant you a permit for your school-shooting re-enactment.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will be appalled by the group of self-righteous losers the state considers a jury of your peers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    There comes a time in every person's life when he or she must stand aside for the younger generation, but your kids are still too young to work the loom.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your own special brand of justice turns out to just be shooting people.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The residents of Walla Walla and Kalamazoo will contact you and demand that you stop using the names of their cities as some kind of weak joke.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Venus in your sign means you're traveling through some rough romantic waters. Bullet holes in the road signs, however, mean you're traveling through Texas.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Next week will be a time of great financial and emotional rewards. It's just too bad you won't be there to see it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Bad news for your immortal soul: God doesn't believe your claim that you "just didn't see" the train, and suicide is still a mortal sin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars indicate you shouldn't forget Katya's potluck this Friday at 6 p.m.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More