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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Horoscope for the week of February 16, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stop telling everybody you live in a gated community. No matter how you try to dress it up, it's still jail.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You thought becoming a shark hunter would change your life, but it's still pretty much the same, except when you're hunting all those sharks.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Christ will appear to you in a dream but, unfortunately, it's not a very sexy dream.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite your claims of historical importance, the authorities still refuse to grant you a permit for your school-shooting re-enactment.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be appalled by the group of self-righteous losers the state considers a jury of your peers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There comes a time in every person's life when he or she must stand aside for the younger generation, but your kids are still too young to work the loom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your own special brand of justice turns out to just be shooting people.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The residents of Walla Walla and Kalamazoo will contact you and demand that you stop using the names of their cities as some kind of weak joke.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Venus in your sign means you're traveling through some rough romantic waters. Bullet holes in the road signs, however, mean you're traveling through Texas.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Next week will be a time of great financial and emotional rewards. It's just too bad you won't be there to see it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Bad news for your immortal soul: God doesn't believe your claim that you "just didn't see" the train, and suicide is still a mortal sin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate you shouldn't forget Katya's potluck this Friday at 6 p.m.
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