Horoscope for the week of February 16, 2000

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

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Horoscope for the week of February 16, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stop telling everybody you live in a gated community. No matter how you try to dress it up, it's still jail.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You thought becoming a shark hunter would change your life, but it's still pretty much the same, except when you're hunting all those sharks.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Christ will appear to you in a dream but, unfortunately, it's not a very sexy dream.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite your claims of historical importance, the authorities still refuse to grant you a permit for your school-shooting re-enactment.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be appalled by the group of self-righteous losers the state considers a jury of your peers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There comes a time in every person's life when he or she must stand aside for the younger generation, but your kids are still too young to work the loom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your own special brand of justice turns out to just be shooting people.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The residents of Walla Walla and Kalamazoo will contact you and demand that you stop using the names of their cities as some kind of weak joke.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Venus in your sign means you're traveling through some rough romantic waters. Bullet holes in the road signs, however, mean you're traveling through Texas.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Next week will be a time of great financial and emotional rewards. It's just too bad you won't be there to see it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Bad news for your immortal soul: God doesn't believe your claim that you "just didn't see" the train, and suicide is still a mortal sin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate you shouldn't forget Katya's potluck this Friday at 6 p.m.