Horoscope for the week of February 16, 2005

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Vol 41 Issue 07

New Girlfriend Bears Disturbing Resemblance To Old Girlfriend

ATLANTA—Friends of David Buntrock told reporters Monday that his new girlfriend Katie Wickstrom looks unsettlingly similar to his former girlfriend Tonya Gill. "When I first saw them together I thought, 'Wow, did David and Tonya work things out?'" friend Angie Lisota said, explaining that both Wickstrom and Gill are petite, with cropped brown hair, big eyes, and a penchant for dressing like ballet dancers. "Even her voice sounds a little nasally, like Tonya's." According to Buntrock, Wickstrom "actually looks more like Audrey Hepburn."

Designers Opt To Stick With Last Year's Fashions

NEW YORK—The buzz around the 2005 Spring Fashion Week was "status quo," as top designers like Marc Jacobs and Oscar de la Renta chose to repeat their lines from 2004. "This spring is all about consistency," said Jacobs, who reintroduced a collection of gray and black slouchy long skirts. "We came out with a lot of great clothes last year, so we're gonna stick with those." Donna Karan agreed that "introducing a new look is a relic of the 20th century."

Bacon Just One Of Sprint's New Downloadable Ring Scents

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Wireless-phone-service provider Sprint PCS has added Hickory-Smoked Bacon to its quickly growing list of downloadable Ring Scents, which includes Pine Forest, New Car, and Cinnamon Potpourri. "Smells are stronger memory triggers than sounds, and now you can assign a different smell for everyone on your phone list," Sprint spokesperson Mindy Harris said. "We even have a line of Bling Scents like Cash, Crissy, and Blueberry. And we have Alabama Clay, Wet Dog, and Skoal Bandit for country-music fans." For customers who carry their cell phones in their mouths, Sprint will introduce Ring-Savors in January 2006.

510 Chuck E. Cheese Tickets Blown In Grape-Soda Induced Frenzy

CORDOVA, TN—Chuck E. Cheese patron Nathan Angrim, 9, was found passed out in a booth Monday, 510 game tickets poorer and surrounded by cheap toys, following a two-hour Welch's Grape Soda bender. "Dad, where'd all this stuff come from?" Angrim asked, gesturing to the plastic dinosaurs and slide whistles scattered across his pizza-sauce-stained T-shirt. "Last thing I remember, I was playing Skee-Ball. Oh, my head." The incident marks a backslide for Angrim, who swore that he wouldn't touch "the Grape" again, after last April, when he woke up shoeless in the colored-ball pool, his pinkies stuck in a Chinese finger trap.

Paris Review Receives Mysterious Plimpton Essay About Being A Ghost

NEW YORK—Paris Review editors report that they received an unsolicited essay from the late founder George Plimpton about his first-hand experiences as a ghost Tuesday. "I have always believed in immersing myself in my investigative work, be it as an acrobat, a boxer, or a Detroit Lion," read the cover letter accompanying the 3,200-word essay that materialized in the current editor's mailbox Monday. "Dying two years ago afforded me the unique opportunity to examine the afterlife from both sides of the Pearly Gates." Plimpton's letter said he would waive all payment, as he no longer has any use for things of the mortal world.

Bloodless Coup A Real Letdown

BISHKEK, KYRGYZSTAN—The masterminds behind the bloodless coup d'etat that wrested power from President Askar Akayev Sunday said they were disappointed by the peaceful, efficient execution of the regime change.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 16, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries

    God will confess that He does play dice with the universe, but explain that He used the 16-sided kind during His Creation-spanning game of Dungeons & Dragons.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    After mistaking you for a new model of a full-size pickup, Car And Driver will deride your lack of legroom, but praise the way you "barely sip" gasoline.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The plucky, dam-building beaver is known as "nature's engineer," so it's not too surprising when 12 of them trap you inside a clever, woody Maze of Death.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    It's true that secret agents have crossed international borders with microfilm hidden in their colons, but you should've known better than to try it with three liters of duty-free scotch.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Next week's events will get you thinking that maybe there's no reason to keep a mule train in modern-day Kansas City.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll have that weird dream again, where no one in the world is ever hungry—but you'll manage to forget it by morning.
  • Libra

    Libra

    If you're going to pass horrifying, threatening notes to bank tellers, at least try to get some money out of the deal.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Thanks to your city's willingness to use advanced, tesseract-based forms of public transportation, you'll be the first person to be hit by a bus from the inside.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Mars descending in your sign is definitely unusual for this time of year, but between the retching and the stench of sour bourbon, you can guess how it got so low.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You always thought the saying was "welcome you back with broken arms," resulting in a needlessly painful reunion with your long-lost love this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Yes, it's a tragedy, but there are those who will wonder if you shouldn't have known better than to camp at Frequent Cave-In State Park.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Religious and scientific leaders will argue for weeks about whether what happened to you was the result of divine retribution or messy, high-energy physics.
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