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Horoscope for the week of February 16, 2005

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of February 16, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    God will confess that He does play dice with the universe, but explain that He used the 16-sided kind during His Creation-spanning game of Dungeons & Dragons.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After mistaking you for a new model of a full-size pickup, Car And Driver will deride your lack of legroom, but praise the way you "barely sip" gasoline.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The plucky, dam-building beaver is known as "nature's engineer," so it's not too surprising when 12 of them trap you inside a clever, woody Maze of Death.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's true that secret agents have crossed international borders with microfilm hidden in their colons, but you should've known better than to try it with three liters of duty-free scotch.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next week's events will get you thinking that maybe there's no reason to keep a mule train in modern-day Kansas City.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll have that weird dream again, where no one in the world is ever hungry—but you'll manage to forget it by morning.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If you're going to pass horrifying, threatening notes to bank tellers, at least try to get some money out of the deal.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Thanks to your city's willingness to use advanced, tesseract-based forms of public transportation, you'll be the first person to be hit by a bus from the inside.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Mars descending in your sign is definitely unusual for this time of year, but between the retching and the stench of sour bourbon, you can guess how it got so low.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You always thought the saying was "welcome you back with broken arms," resulting in a needlessly painful reunion with your long-lost love this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Yes, it's a tragedy, but there are those who will wonder if you shouldn't have known better than to camp at Frequent Cave-In State Park.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Religious and scientific leaders will argue for weeks about whether what happened to you was the result of divine retribution or messy, high-energy physics.

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