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Horoscope for the week of February 16, 2005

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Horoscope for the week of February 16, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    God will confess that He does play dice with the universe, but explain that He used the 16-sided kind during His Creation-spanning game of Dungeons & Dragons.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After mistaking you for a new model of a full-size pickup, Car And Driver will deride your lack of legroom, but praise the way you "barely sip" gasoline.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The plucky, dam-building beaver is known as "nature's engineer," so it's not too surprising when 12 of them trap you inside a clever, woody Maze of Death.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's true that secret agents have crossed international borders with microfilm hidden in their colons, but you should've known better than to try it with three liters of duty-free scotch.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next week's events will get you thinking that maybe there's no reason to keep a mule train in modern-day Kansas City.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll have that weird dream again, where no one in the world is ever hungry—but you'll manage to forget it by morning.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If you're going to pass horrifying, threatening notes to bank tellers, at least try to get some money out of the deal.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Thanks to your city's willingness to use advanced, tesseract-based forms of public transportation, you'll be the first person to be hit by a bus from the inside.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Mars descending in your sign is definitely unusual for this time of year, but between the retching and the stench of sour bourbon, you can guess how it got so low.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You always thought the saying was "welcome you back with broken arms," resulting in a needlessly painful reunion with your long-lost love this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Yes, it's a tragedy, but there are those who will wonder if you shouldn't have known better than to camp at Frequent Cave-In State Park.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Religious and scientific leaders will argue for weeks about whether what happened to you was the result of divine retribution or messy, high-energy physics.

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