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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.
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Horoscope for the week of February 16, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    God will confess that He does play dice with the universe, but explain that He used the 16-sided kind during His Creation-spanning game of Dungeons & Dragons.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After mistaking you for a new model of a full-size pickup, Car And Driver will deride your lack of legroom, but praise the way you "barely sip" gasoline.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The plucky, dam-building beaver is known as "nature's engineer," so it's not too surprising when 12 of them trap you inside a clever, woody Maze of Death.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's true that secret agents have crossed international borders with microfilm hidden in their colons, but you should've known better than to try it with three liters of duty-free scotch.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next week's events will get you thinking that maybe there's no reason to keep a mule train in modern-day Kansas City.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll have that weird dream again, where no one in the world is ever hungry—but you'll manage to forget it by morning.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If you're going to pass horrifying, threatening notes to bank tellers, at least try to get some money out of the deal.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Thanks to your city's willingness to use advanced, tesseract-based forms of public transportation, you'll be the first person to be hit by a bus from the inside.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Mars descending in your sign is definitely unusual for this time of year, but between the retching and the stench of sour bourbon, you can guess how it got so low.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You always thought the saying was "welcome you back with broken arms," resulting in a needlessly painful reunion with your long-lost love this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Yes, it's a tragedy, but there are those who will wonder if you shouldn't have known better than to camp at Frequent Cave-In State Park.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Religious and scientific leaders will argue for weeks about whether what happened to you was the result of divine retribution or messy, high-energy physics.

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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

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