Aries | March 21 to April 19
God will confess that He does play dice with the universe, but explain that He used the 16-sided kind during His Creation-spanning game of Dungeons & Dragons.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
After mistaking you for a new model of a full-size pickup, Car And Driver will deride your lack of legroom, but praise the way you "barely sip" gasoline.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The plucky, dam-building beaver is known as "nature's engineer," so it's not too surprising when 12 of them trap you inside a clever, woody Maze of Death.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It's true that secret agents have crossed international borders with microfilm hidden in their colons, but you should've known better than to try it with three liters of duty-free scotch.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Next week's events will get you thinking that maybe there's no reason to keep a mule train in modern-day Kansas City.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll have that weird dream again, where no one in the world is ever hungry—but you'll manage to forget it by morning.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
If you're going to pass horrifying, threatening notes to bank tellers, at least try to get some money out of the deal.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Thanks to your city's willingness to use advanced, tesseract-based forms of public transportation, you'll be the first person to be hit by a bus from the inside.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Mars descending in your sign is definitely unusual for this time of year, but between the retching and the stench of sour bourbon, you can guess how it got so low.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You always thought the saying was "welcome you back with broken arms," resulting in a needlessly painful reunion with your long-lost love this week.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Yes, it's a tragedy, but there are those who will wonder if you shouldn't have known better than to camp at Frequent Cave-In State Park.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Religious and scientific leaders will argue for weeks about whether what happened to you was the result of divine retribution or messy, high-energy physics.
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