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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of February 17, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars say you will find happiness beyond your wildest dreams. But after that, their message trails off into drunken streams of profanity.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This will be a lucky week indeed, since nobody enjoys a good concussion more than you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Strangely enough, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will change forever when a ruggedly handsome Taurus leaves you splattered across three lanes of traffic.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    More of your youthful idealism is chipped away this week when you discover that Tupperware parties are for selling plastic storage containers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be trapped in a confined space with a group of people who really, really care about the Oscars.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your attempt to double-cross the mob ends badly when you discover that most crooks are not as bumbling as Disney had long led you to believe.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Venus in your sign means a new love interest, while the sudden appearance of the Phantom Planet from the Nega-Zone means dangerous, man-eating apes with raygun eyes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The police refuse to respond when you attempt to get arrested for searching yourself without a warrant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though your parents like you well enough, you do not focus-group well with teens. Move to CBS.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be lynched by an angry mob of leather-clad burnouts when they find out that it was your idea to use "Crazy Train" to sell SUVs.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    This weekend marks the culmination of your lifelong dream to make yourself a big stack of pancakes.

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