Horoscope for the week of February 17, 1999

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How Campaigns Spend Their Money

The 2016 election cycle is shaping up to be the most expensive in American history, with most presidential candidates already having raised tens of millions of dollars for their respective campaigns. Here is a breakdown of just how that money is spent:

Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Horoscope for the week of February 17, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars say you will find happiness beyond your wildest dreams. But after that, their message trails off into drunken streams of profanity.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This will be a lucky week indeed, since nobody enjoys a good concussion more than you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Strangely enough, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will change forever when a ruggedly handsome Taurus leaves you splattered across three lanes of traffic.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    More of your youthful idealism is chipped away this week when you discover that Tupperware parties are for selling plastic storage containers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be trapped in a confined space with a group of people who really, really care about the Oscars.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your attempt to double-cross the mob ends badly when you discover that most crooks are not as bumbling as Disney had long led you to believe.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Venus in your sign means a new love interest, while the sudden appearance of the Phantom Planet from the Nega-Zone means dangerous, man-eating apes with raygun eyes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The police refuse to respond when you attempt to get arrested for searching yourself without a warrant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though your parents like you well enough, you do not focus-group well with teens. Move to CBS.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be lynched by an angry mob of leather-clad burnouts when they find out that it was your idea to use "Crazy Train" to sell SUVs.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    This weekend marks the culmination of your lifelong dream to make yourself a big stack of pancakes.