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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of February 17, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars say you will find happiness beyond your wildest dreams. But after that, their message trails off into drunken streams of profanity.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This will be a lucky week indeed, since nobody enjoys a good concussion more than you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Strangely enough, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will change forever when a ruggedly handsome Taurus leaves you splattered across three lanes of traffic.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    More of your youthful idealism is chipped away this week when you discover that Tupperware parties are for selling plastic storage containers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be trapped in a confined space with a group of people who really, really care about the Oscars.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your attempt to double-cross the mob ends badly when you discover that most crooks are not as bumbling as Disney had long led you to believe.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Venus in your sign means a new love interest, while the sudden appearance of the Phantom Planet from the Nega-Zone means dangerous, man-eating apes with raygun eyes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The police refuse to respond when you attempt to get arrested for searching yourself without a warrant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though your parents like you well enough, you do not focus-group well with teens. Move to CBS.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be lynched by an angry mob of leather-clad burnouts when they find out that it was your idea to use "Crazy Train" to sell SUVs.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    This weekend marks the culmination of your lifelong dream to make yourself a big stack of pancakes.

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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