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Horoscope for the week of February 17, 1999

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of February 17, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars say you will find happiness beyond your wildest dreams. But after that, their message trails off into drunken streams of profanity.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This will be a lucky week indeed, since nobody enjoys a good concussion more than you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Strangely enough, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will change forever when a ruggedly handsome Taurus leaves you splattered across three lanes of traffic.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    More of your youthful idealism is chipped away this week when you discover that Tupperware parties are for selling plastic storage containers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be trapped in a confined space with a group of people who really, really care about the Oscars.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your attempt to double-cross the mob ends badly when you discover that most crooks are not as bumbling as Disney had long led you to believe.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Venus in your sign means a new love interest, while the sudden appearance of the Phantom Planet from the Nega-Zone means dangerous, man-eating apes with raygun eyes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The police refuse to respond when you attempt to get arrested for searching yourself without a warrant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though your parents like you well enough, you do not focus-group well with teens. Move to CBS.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be lynched by an angry mob of leather-clad burnouts when they find out that it was your idea to use "Crazy Train" to sell SUVs.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    This weekend marks the culmination of your lifelong dream to make yourself a big stack of pancakes.

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