Aries | March 21 to April 19
The stars say you will find happiness beyond your wildest dreams. But after that, their message trails off into drunken streams of profanity.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
This will be a lucky week indeed, since nobody enjoys a good concussion more than you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Strangely enough, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your life will change forever when a ruggedly handsome Taurus leaves you splattered across three lanes of traffic.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
More of your youthful idealism is chipped away this week when you discover that Tupperware parties are for selling plastic storage containers.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will be trapped in a confined space with a group of people who really, really care about the Oscars.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your attempt to double-cross the mob ends badly when you discover that most crooks are not as bumbling as Disney had long led you to believe.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Venus in your sign means a new love interest, while the sudden appearance of the Phantom Planet from the Nega-Zone means dangerous, man-eating apes with raygun eyes.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The police refuse to respond when you attempt to get arrested for searching yourself without a warrant.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Though your parents like you well enough, you do not focus-group well with teens. Move to CBS.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will be lynched by an angry mob of leather-clad burnouts when they find out that it was your idea to use "Crazy Train" to sell SUVs.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
This weekend marks the culmination of your lifelong dream to make yourself a big stack of pancakes.
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