adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of February 17, 1999

Top Headlines

Recent News

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Originality

Horoscope for the week of February 17, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars say you will find happiness beyond your wildest dreams. But after that, their message trails off into drunken streams of profanity.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This will be a lucky week indeed, since nobody enjoys a good concussion more than you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Strangely enough, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will change forever when a ruggedly handsome Taurus leaves you splattered across three lanes of traffic.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    More of your youthful idealism is chipped away this week when you discover that Tupperware parties are for selling plastic storage containers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be trapped in a confined space with a group of people who really, really care about the Oscars.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your attempt to double-cross the mob ends badly when you discover that most crooks are not as bumbling as Disney had long led you to believe.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Venus in your sign means a new love interest, while the sudden appearance of the Phantom Planet from the Nega-Zone means dangerous, man-eating apes with raygun eyes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The police refuse to respond when you attempt to get arrested for searching yourself without a warrant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though your parents like you well enough, you do not focus-group well with teens. Move to CBS.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be lynched by an angry mob of leather-clad burnouts when they find out that it was your idea to use "Crazy Train" to sell SUVs.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    This weekend marks the culmination of your lifelong dream to make yourself a big stack of pancakes.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close