Horoscope for the week of February 18, 1998

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Vol 33 Issue 06

History Channel Repeats Itself

NEW YORK—Tragically failing to learn the lessons of its own programming, the History Channel repeated itself 11 p.m. Sunday, airing Man's Inhumanity To Man: The Horror Of Auschwitz just three days after its initial broadcast. “This informative and important Holocaust documentary imparted many poignant lessons last Thursday,” Harvard University history professor Dr. Edmund O. Haller said. "But what has humanity really gained from witnessing The Horror Of Auschwitz if the History Channel ignores its painful lessons and allows it to air again? This is an atrocity that, sadly, could have easily been prevented if we had only learned its lessons the first time." Haller urged the management of the History Channel to watch its own programming attentively, “lest future generations be forced to repeat this dark hour of cable-TV programming.”

Sinatra, Hope, Reagan Deadlocked In Race To Grave

LOS ANGELES—Frank Sinatra’s recent hospitalization has pulled the aging crooner into a virtual dead heat with comedian Bob Hope and former president Ronald Reagan in their hotly contested race to death’s door, it was reported Monday. "We feel good about Mr. Sinatra’s prospects in this competitive graveyard derby," said Dr. Ben Ellis, Sinatra’s personal physician. "He is largely incoherent and responds poorly to bathing and feeding." Despite Sinatra’s rapidly deteriorating condition, officials for Hope and Reagan are confident. "Apart from one or two public appearances in the past year, Mr. Hope has been unable to function in any meaningful capacity outside his home," a Hope publicist said. Reagan, meanwhile, is proving a strong contender with a progressive neurological disease eroding his very wits. Las Vegas oddsmaker Danny Sheridan has Sinatra a slight 5-3 favorite to depart first, with Reagan second at 2-1.

Casey Martin Vs. The PGA

Last week, a federal judge ruled that golfer Casey Martin—who is afflicted with a circulatory disorder that makes it painful for him to walk—may use a motorized golf cart during PGA competition. The PGA contends that the use of a cart constitutes an unfair advantage, and plans to appeal the decision. What do you think?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Holiday

Horoscope for the week of February 18, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    Like all Aries, you are uncommonly patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Creative management of your finances will result in an unexpected windfall of several hundred dollars. Use it to buy the biggest handgun you can find—you'll need it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The camping trip you've looked forward to for so long is ruined by a pack of woodchucks, the biggest bastards in the animal kingdom.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your neighborhood will be rocked by a bizarre rash of ultra-sexy seductions. Authorities will not for one moment consider questioning you.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will earn the friendship and envy of all who share your star sign when you unveil your flamed-out, low-riding "Leo Hoopty."
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Use of your wits, common sense, and God-given intelligence proves woefully inadequate in your attempt to solve even the most minor problems you encounter this week.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Though you've made numerous major advances in the field of stomach-cancer research, and have donated money to build libraries in your hometown, you are still universally hated for your three guest appearances on Northern Exposure.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Travel and air magicks are strong in Scorpio this week. You will experience a near-weightless, flight-like state during a trip to the Empire State Building.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    ou will become the talk of your community following your visually stunning appearance on America's Bloodiest Home Videos.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A long-running dispute will finally end this week if you have the courage to cut your husband's brake lines.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Now that Valentine's Day is over, you will need to use sheer animal cunning to con affection out of your spouse.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Do not be lulled into complacency this week: That strange man is still around. There he is! There! There!
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