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Horoscope for the week of February 18, 1998

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 18, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Like all Aries, you are uncommonly patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Creative management of your finances will result in an unexpected windfall of several hundred dollars. Use it to buy the biggest handgun you can find—you'll need it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The camping trip you've looked forward to for so long is ruined by a pack of woodchucks, the biggest bastards in the animal kingdom.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your neighborhood will be rocked by a bizarre rash of ultra-sexy seductions. Authorities will not for one moment consider questioning you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will earn the friendship and envy of all who share your star sign when you unveil your flamed-out, low-riding "Leo Hoopty."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Use of your wits, common sense, and God-given intelligence proves woefully inadequate in your attempt to solve even the most minor problems you encounter this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you've made numerous major advances in the field of stomach-cancer research, and have donated money to build libraries in your hometown, you are still universally hated for your three guest appearances on Northern Exposure.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Travel and air magicks are strong in Scorpio this week. You will experience a near-weightless, flight-like state during a trip to the Empire State Building.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    ou will become the talk of your community following your visually stunning appearance on America's Bloodiest Home Videos.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A long-running dispute will finally end this week if you have the courage to cut your husband's brake lines.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Now that Valentine's Day is over, you will need to use sheer animal cunning to con affection out of your spouse.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Do not be lulled into complacency this week: That strange man is still around. There he is! There! There!

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