Horoscope for the week of February 18, 1998

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of February 18, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Like all Aries, you are uncommonly patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Creative management of your finances will result in an unexpected windfall of several hundred dollars. Use it to buy the biggest handgun you can find—you'll need it.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The camping trip you've looked forward to for so long is ruined by a pack of woodchucks, the biggest bastards in the animal kingdom.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your neighborhood will be rocked by a bizarre rash of ultra-sexy seductions. Authorities will not for one moment consider questioning you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will earn the friendship and envy of all who share your star sign when you unveil your flamed-out, low-riding "Leo Hoopty."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Use of your wits, common sense, and God-given intelligence proves woefully inadequate in your attempt to solve even the most minor problems you encounter this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you've made numerous major advances in the field of stomach-cancer research, and have donated money to build libraries in your hometown, you are still universally hated for your three guest appearances on Northern Exposure.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Travel and air magicks are strong in Scorpio this week. You will experience a near-weightless, flight-like state during a trip to the Empire State Building.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    ou will become the talk of your community following your visually stunning appearance on America's Bloodiest Home Videos.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A long-running dispute will finally end this week if you have the courage to cut your husband's brake lines.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Now that Valentine's Day is over, you will need to use sheer animal cunning to con affection out of your spouse.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Do not be lulled into complacency this week: That strange man is still around. There he is! There! There!