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Horoscope for the week of February 18, 2004

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

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Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of February 18, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Religious leaders from around the world will agree that God seems to be reacting to your criticism rather harshly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've never believed in running away from love, but then again, you've never been on the business end of a coked-up rhinoceros' ardor before.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It won't come as much of a shock to you, but according to your spouse and children, your replacement is doing one heck of a good job.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You might not like it, but even you have to admit that your foibles and predilections are accurately captured in the popular new parody version of you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Once again, you've been nominated for an award in the prestigious "Most Engulfed In Flames" category.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's time to exploit your connections in order to get a better job. Start cozying up to the guy who handles the local classified ads section.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've decided to take it as a compliment that all your lovers describe you as a wizard in the bathroom.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life story will be a testimony to the healing power of love for nachos.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll realize that you're not like the others when a visit to a historic Civil War battlefield forever changes the way you feel about custom kitchen cabinetry.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be hunted to the ends of the earth by torch-wielding opera traditionalists after enraptured reviewers refer to you as the "long-sought Fourth Tenor."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're getting closer to the secret of happiness all the time, but before this makes you too happy, you should hear the story of Achilles and the tortoise.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    By the time you get what you want, you've changed so much that you don't want it anymore, which sends the waitress into a rage.

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