Horoscope for the week of February 18, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 07

Former Chinese Dissident Has Your Order Ready

SAN FRANCISCO—Dr. Xu Shui Xian Liang, a founding member of the Autonomous Federation of Beijing's Workers in Tiananmen Square who spent 12 years in a labor camp for his involvement in the anti-dictatorship effort during the Cultural Revolution, is ready with your order. "That's one chipotle chicken-filet sandwich, two large regular salads—tofu bacon on one, a white-chicken-chili soup, and three low-fat blondies," said the former leader of the students' movement in the Guang Tong province. "Would you like your receipt?" Xu, who was tortured into confessing to stealing state assets in collusion with organized crime shortly before he defected to the U.S. in 1999, is sorry, he will be right back with that Diet Coke.

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no.

Teen Responsible For All Six Items In Clarksburg Police Blotter

CLARKSBURG, WV—According to sources at the Clarksburg Telegram, troubled youth Danny Nathum, 17, is responsible for all six items on Monday's police blotter. "We had two disorderly-conduct reports, three counts of vandalism, and one DUI arrest," Telegram assistant editor Jesse Sutton said. "Looks like Mr. Nathum had himself one heck of a busy weekend." Clarksburg, population 16,743, last experienced an all-Nathum crime spree in December, when the teen stole a bicycle, burned down a barn, and punched Old Man Herman.

Specifics Of Hostile Takeover Fiercely Boring

NEW YORK—Details of a "hostile" bid by software manufacturer Octagon Corporation are, in fact, fiercely, mind-numbingly dull, sources reported Tuesday. "Following the SoftWave International board of directors' rejection of Octagon's unsolicited offer, Octagon essentially eliminated SoftWave as an entity by purchasing 300,000 shares at $453.35—$134.34 more than the current market value," financial analyst Bryan Falwick said, droning on endlessly about the supposedly thrilling upset. "Everyone was shocked when Octagon swooped in and nabbed controlling interest." Falwick said he assumed that the forthcoming rollout of the XSpreadsheet software suite motivated the "raid."

William Katt Programs Own Name Into TiVo

LOS ANGELES—Sources close to William Katt said Monday that the Greatest American Hero star has his own name programmed into his TiVo digital video recorder. "Bill gets really excited when he comes home and finds one of his 7th Heaven episodes or sees that he's caught House IV on Cinemax," friend Ray Morris said. "Maybe he does it so he knows to watch for a residual check." Morris said Katt also frequently scans his listing on the Internet Movie Database for errors.

I'll Tell You What I'd Do If I Were Gay

A guy from work introduced me to his boyfriend this week. He seemed pretty nice, but it was weird, because he didn't look gay at all. He was a computer programmer and looked like any fat, balding slob you'd run into on the street. I have to say, I would never let myself go like that if I were gay.

Identity Theft Safeguards

Identity theft is a growing problem in America. What does the Federal Trade Commission suggest consumers do to protect themselves?

Human Cloning

South Korean scientists successfully cloned a human embryo, a procedure some feel is unethical. What do you think?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Horoscope for the week of February 18, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    Religious leaders from around the world will agree that God seems to be reacting to your criticism rather harshly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You've never believed in running away from love, but then again, you've never been on the business end of a coked-up rhinoceros' ardor before.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It won't come as much of a shock to you, but according to your spouse and children, your replacement is doing one heck of a good job.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You might not like it, but even you have to admit that your foibles and predilections are accurately captured in the popular new parody version of you.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Once again, you've been nominated for an award in the prestigious "Most Engulfed In Flames" category.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It's time to exploit your connections in order to get a better job. Start cozying up to the guy who handles the local classified ads section.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You've decided to take it as a compliment that all your lovers describe you as a wizard in the bathroom.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your life story will be a testimony to the healing power of love for nachos.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll realize that you're not like the others when a visit to a historic Civil War battlefield forever changes the way you feel about custom kitchen cabinetry.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will be hunted to the ends of the earth by torch-wielding opera traditionalists after enraptured reviewers refer to you as the "long-sought Fourth Tenor."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You're getting closer to the secret of happiness all the time, but before this makes you too happy, you should hear the story of Achilles and the tortoise.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    By the time you get what you want, you've changed so much that you don't want it anymore, which sends the waitress into a rage.
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