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Horoscope for the week of February 18, 2004

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of February 18, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Religious leaders from around the world will agree that God seems to be reacting to your criticism rather harshly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've never believed in running away from love, but then again, you've never been on the business end of a coked-up rhinoceros' ardor before.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It won't come as much of a shock to you, but according to your spouse and children, your replacement is doing one heck of a good job.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You might not like it, but even you have to admit that your foibles and predilections are accurately captured in the popular new parody version of you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Once again, you've been nominated for an award in the prestigious "Most Engulfed In Flames" category.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's time to exploit your connections in order to get a better job. Start cozying up to the guy who handles the local classified ads section.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've decided to take it as a compliment that all your lovers describe you as a wizard in the bathroom.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life story will be a testimony to the healing power of love for nachos.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll realize that you're not like the others when a visit to a historic Civil War battlefield forever changes the way you feel about custom kitchen cabinetry.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be hunted to the ends of the earth by torch-wielding opera traditionalists after enraptured reviewers refer to you as the "long-sought Fourth Tenor."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're getting closer to the secret of happiness all the time, but before this makes you too happy, you should hear the story of Achilles and the tortoise.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    By the time you get what you want, you've changed so much that you don't want it anymore, which sends the waitress into a rage.

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