Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll go through a cranky phase this week, but by the weekend you'll be relaxed and cheered up, thanks to a loving hug from best-selling author James Michener.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will start the week super-charged after a severed power line falls through your bathroom window and sends ball lightning into your shower.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Though you usually see eye-to-eye with your boss, he finally confronts you about your spending thousands of the company’s dollars on his wife's 900 number.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The pain of becoming a widow for the third time is eased somewhat when you purchase a car horn that plays the theme from Ice Castles.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Not even the grave will offer you peace after your relatives choose your epitaph from among their favorite beer slogans.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your fame rises to such heights that your entire body is pressed permanently into the concrete sidewalk outside Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars indicate that you need to become a more sensitive person. Try sandpapering your eyeballs.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will inspire many jokes after losing $500 to Helen Keller in a craps game.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will be talked out of suicide by a crowd of relatives and friends who have learned how easy it is to swindle money from you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You melt away 50 pounds by taking a job cleaning up at a funeral parlor. Unfortunately, you also develop a bad habit of snacking on leftover bits of human flesh.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A bargain struck with a small-time demon will result in your playing a high-stakes game of Skee-Ball this week for possession of your immortal soul.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
After 10 years of friendship with your neighbors, you suddenly realize this week that their heads would look much better mounted on posts outside your home.
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