Horoscope for the week of February 19, 1997

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Recent News

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of February 19, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll go through a cranky phase this week, but by the weekend you'll be relaxed and cheered up, thanks to a loving hug from best-selling author James Michener.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will start the week super-charged after a severed power line falls through your bathroom window and sends ball lightning into your shower.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though you usually see eye-to-eye with your boss, he finally confronts you about your spending thousands of the company’s dollars on his wife's 900 number.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The pain of becoming a widow for the third time is eased somewhat when you purchase a car horn that plays the theme from Ice Castles.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Not even the grave will offer you peace after your relatives choose your epitaph from among their favorite beer slogans.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your fame rises to such heights that your entire body is pressed permanently into the concrete sidewalk outside Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars indicate that you need to become a more sensitive person. Try sandpapering your eyeballs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will inspire many jokes after losing $500 to Helen Keller in a craps game.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be talked out of suicide by a crowd of relatives and friends who have learned how easy it is to swindle money from you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You melt away 50 pounds by taking a job cleaning up at a funeral parlor. Unfortunately, you also develop a bad habit of snacking on leftover bits of human flesh.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A bargain struck with a small-time demon will result in your playing a high-stakes game of Skee-Ball this week for possession of your immortal soul.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After 10 years of friendship with your neighbors, you suddenly realize this week that their heads would look much better mounted on posts outside your home.