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Horoscope for the week of February 19, 1997

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ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

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WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

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WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
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Horoscope for the week of February 19, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll go through a cranky phase this week, but by the weekend you'll be relaxed and cheered up, thanks to a loving hug from best-selling author James Michener.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will start the week super-charged after a severed power line falls through your bathroom window and sends ball lightning into your shower.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though you usually see eye-to-eye with your boss, he finally confronts you about your spending thousands of the company’s dollars on his wife's 900 number.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The pain of becoming a widow for the third time is eased somewhat when you purchase a car horn that plays the theme from Ice Castles.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Not even the grave will offer you peace after your relatives choose your epitaph from among their favorite beer slogans.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your fame rises to such heights that your entire body is pressed permanently into the concrete sidewalk outside Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars indicate that you need to become a more sensitive person. Try sandpapering your eyeballs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will inspire many jokes after losing $500 to Helen Keller in a craps game.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be talked out of suicide by a crowd of relatives and friends who have learned how easy it is to swindle money from you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You melt away 50 pounds by taking a job cleaning up at a funeral parlor. Unfortunately, you also develop a bad habit of snacking on leftover bits of human flesh.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A bargain struck with a small-time demon will result in your playing a high-stakes game of Skee-Ball this week for possession of your immortal soul.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After 10 years of friendship with your neighbors, you suddenly realize this week that their heads would look much better mounted on posts outside your home.

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