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In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Horoscope for the week of February 19, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll go through a cranky phase this week, but by the weekend you'll be relaxed and cheered up, thanks to a loving hug from best-selling author James Michener.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will start the week super-charged after a severed power line falls through your bathroom window and sends ball lightning into your shower.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though you usually see eye-to-eye with your boss, he finally confronts you about your spending thousands of the company’s dollars on his wife's 900 number.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The pain of becoming a widow for the third time is eased somewhat when you purchase a car horn that plays the theme from Ice Castles.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Not even the grave will offer you peace after your relatives choose your epitaph from among their favorite beer slogans.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your fame rises to such heights that your entire body is pressed permanently into the concrete sidewalk outside Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars indicate that you need to become a more sensitive person. Try sandpapering your eyeballs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will inspire many jokes after losing $500 to Helen Keller in a craps game.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be talked out of suicide by a crowd of relatives and friends who have learned how easy it is to swindle money from you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You melt away 50 pounds by taking a job cleaning up at a funeral parlor. Unfortunately, you also develop a bad habit of snacking on leftover bits of human flesh.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A bargain struck with a small-time demon will result in your playing a high-stakes game of Skee-Ball this week for possession of your immortal soul.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After 10 years of friendship with your neighbors, you suddenly realize this week that their heads would look much better mounted on posts outside your home.
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