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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Horoscope for the week of February 19, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll go through a cranky phase this week, but by the weekend you'll be relaxed and cheered up, thanks to a loving hug from best-selling author James Michener.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will start the week super-charged after a severed power line falls through your bathroom window and sends ball lightning into your shower.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though you usually see eye-to-eye with your boss, he finally confronts you about your spending thousands of the company’s dollars on his wife's 900 number.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The pain of becoming a widow for the third time is eased somewhat when you purchase a car horn that plays the theme from Ice Castles.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Not even the grave will offer you peace after your relatives choose your epitaph from among their favorite beer slogans.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your fame rises to such heights that your entire body is pressed permanently into the concrete sidewalk outside Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars indicate that you need to become a more sensitive person. Try sandpapering your eyeballs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will inspire many jokes after losing $500 to Helen Keller in a craps game.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be talked out of suicide by a crowd of relatives and friends who have learned how easy it is to swindle money from you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You melt away 50 pounds by taking a job cleaning up at a funeral parlor. Unfortunately, you also develop a bad habit of snacking on leftover bits of human flesh.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A bargain struck with a small-time demon will result in your playing a high-stakes game of Skee-Ball this week for possession of your immortal soul.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After 10 years of friendship with your neighbors, you suddenly realize this week that their heads would look much better mounted on posts outside your home.

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