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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Horoscope for the week of February 19, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The Spam Museum will seem a lot less fun and kitschy when you are put on permanent display.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though it's true that you live a life of quiet desperation, with the right shabby clothes and scruffy beard, it could get you all the chicks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There will be no monuments or memorials to mark your tragic and violent death during next week's bloody revolution in floor coverings.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Religious turmoil looms large in your future as a vengeful God once again refuses to bless that mess.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will finally acknowledge that being known as "America's Best-Kept Secret In Horribly Deformed Freaks" is kind of a mixed blessing.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week's mishap won't set your zookeeping career back much. Anyone could have mistaken Tyne Daly for a majestic silverback lowland gorilla.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be faced with the unenviable task of telling somebody that they have lost that loving feeling without breaking into song.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true that love means different things to different people, you'll be saddened by how many people think it includes shiny objects.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An unusual series of events will teach you to never underestimate the abilities of a master Ninja or pastry chef.

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