Horoscope for the week of February 19, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 06

New Prisoner Recognized From 'Scared Straight' Visit

RAHWAY, NJ—New Rahway State Penitentiary inmate Andrew Traber, 19, was recognized Monday by longtime inmate Ronald Wayne Desmond, who met Traber in 1998 in the prison's "Scared Straight" program. "I couldn't believe it: There he was, little Andrew, all grown up," said Desmond, 38, who is serving two consecutive life sentences for murder. "So I yelled, 'Hey, Andrew, it's me—the guy who told you when you were 14 what it's like to be brutally gang-raped in the prison laundry with a shiv held to your throat.' He kind of nodded hi, but I got the feeling he didn't remember me."

No One At Ad Agency Remembers Hiring Carrot Top For Commercial

NEW YORK—Despite their best efforts, creative executives at the Young & Rubicam advertising agency cannot recall how Carrot Top came to be hired for the "1-800-CALL-ATT" collect-call campaign. "I really, truly don't remember ever casting that guy," Young & Rubicam creative director Molly Herbert said of the hideous, clown-faced comedian. "To be honest, all anyone here can remember is firing David Arquette two years ago, then suddenly there's Carrot Top on the set." Herbert and her team were equally at a loss over who developed the "Just Dial Down The Middle" concept.

Paintball Team Visits Vietnam Memorial

WASHINGTON, DC—The five members of the Blitz Cougars paintball team of Ashburn, GA, paid their respects to their fallen compatriots at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial on Monday. "None of us served in Vietnam, but we too have witnessed firsthand the unspeakable horrors of combat," said Derek "Boone" Bechet, 23, the Cougars' team leader. "Last August, I lost one of my men when a round of Draxxus Inferno sapphire blue caught him right in the temple. Chris was only 19 when he got taken out of the game for good." Fighting back tears, Bechet bowed his head in silent prayer for his splattered comrade.

Bacon Good For You, Reports Best Scientist Ever

ROCHESTER, MN—Bacon, long believed to contribute to heart disease and obesity, possesses significant health benefits, according to a study released Monday by Dr. Albert Gruber, the best scientist ever. "My research has found that three strips of crispy, mouthwatering bacon every morning can actually reduce cholesterol and help slow the aging process," the awesome Gruber said. "What's more, the bacon's positive effects are enhanced when combined with milk shakes and/or marijuana." In 1997, Gruber, a Mayo Clinic cardiologist, was awarded nine Nobel Prizes in Medicine for discovering that frequent oral sex with models cures cancer.

Well, I Think Michael Jackson Looks Nice

I don't understand why some people have to build themselves up by tearing other people down. Everywhere I go these days, I hear people making nasty comments about Michael Jackson's appearance. Well, I think Michael Jackson looks very nice.

The Ben And J. Lo Show

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are America's hottest celebrity couple. How do they spend a typical day?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 19, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The Spam Museum will seem a lot less fun and kitschy when you are put on permanent display.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Though it's true that you live a life of quiet desperation, with the right shabby clothes and scruffy beard, it could get you all the chicks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    There will be no monuments or memorials to mark your tragic and violent death during next week's bloody revolution in floor coverings.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Religious turmoil looms large in your future as a vengeful God once again refuses to bless that mess.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will finally acknowledge that being known as "America's Best-Kept Secret In Horribly Deformed Freaks" is kind of a mixed blessing.
  • Libra

    Libra

    This week's mishap won't set your zookeeping career back much. Anyone could have mistaken Tyne Daly for a majestic silverback lowland gorilla.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will be faced with the unenviable task of telling somebody that they have lost that loving feeling without breaking into song.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While it's true that love means different things to different people, you'll be saddened by how many people think it includes shiny objects.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    An unusual series of events will teach you to never underestimate the abilities of a master Ninja or pastry chef.
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