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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Horoscope for the week of February 19, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The Spam Museum will seem a lot less fun and kitschy when you are put on permanent display.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though it's true that you live a life of quiet desperation, with the right shabby clothes and scruffy beard, it could get you all the chicks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There will be no monuments or memorials to mark your tragic and violent death during next week's bloody revolution in floor coverings.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Religious turmoil looms large in your future as a vengeful God once again refuses to bless that mess.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will finally acknowledge that being known as "America's Best-Kept Secret In Horribly Deformed Freaks" is kind of a mixed blessing.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week's mishap won't set your zookeeping career back much. Anyone could have mistaken Tyne Daly for a majestic silverback lowland gorilla.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be faced with the unenviable task of telling somebody that they have lost that loving feeling without breaking into song.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true that love means different things to different people, you'll be saddened by how many people think it includes shiny objects.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An unusual series of events will teach you to never underestimate the abilities of a master Ninja or pastry chef.
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