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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Horoscope for the week of February 19, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The Spam Museum will seem a lot less fun and kitschy when you are put on permanent display.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though it's true that you live a life of quiet desperation, with the right shabby clothes and scruffy beard, it could get you all the chicks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There will be no monuments or memorials to mark your tragic and violent death during next week's bloody revolution in floor coverings.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Religious turmoil looms large in your future as a vengeful God once again refuses to bless that mess.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will finally acknowledge that being known as "America's Best-Kept Secret In Horribly Deformed Freaks" is kind of a mixed blessing.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week's mishap won't set your zookeeping career back much. Anyone could have mistaken Tyne Daly for a majestic silverback lowland gorilla.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be faced with the unenviable task of telling somebody that they have lost that loving feeling without breaking into song.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true that love means different things to different people, you'll be saddened by how many people think it includes shiny objects.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An unusual series of events will teach you to never underestimate the abilities of a master Ninja or pastry chef.

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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