Horoscope for the week of February 19, 2003

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 19, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The Spam Museum will seem a lot less fun and kitschy when you are put on permanent display.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though it's true that you live a life of quiet desperation, with the right shabby clothes and scruffy beard, it could get you all the chicks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There will be no monuments or memorials to mark your tragic and violent death during next week's bloody revolution in floor coverings.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Religious turmoil looms large in your future as a vengeful God once again refuses to bless that mess.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will finally acknowledge that being known as "America's Best-Kept Secret In Horribly Deformed Freaks" is kind of a mixed blessing.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week's mishap won't set your zookeeping career back much. Anyone could have mistaken Tyne Daly for a majestic silverback lowland gorilla.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be faced with the unenviable task of telling somebody that they have lost that loving feeling without breaking into song.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true that love means different things to different people, you'll be saddened by how many people think it includes shiny objects.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An unusual series of events will teach you to never underestimate the abilities of a master Ninja or pastry chef.
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