Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The Spam Museum will seem a lot less fun and kitschy when you are put on permanent display.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Though it's true that you live a life of quiet desperation, with the right shabby clothes and scruffy beard, it could get you all the chicks.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
There will be no monuments or memorials to mark your tragic and violent death during next week's bloody revolution in floor coverings.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Religious turmoil looms large in your future as a vengeful God once again refuses to bless that mess.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will finally acknowledge that being known as "America's Best-Kept Secret In Horribly Deformed Freaks" is kind of a mixed blessing.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
This week's mishap won't set your zookeeping career back much. Anyone could have mistaken Tyne Daly for a majestic silverback lowland gorilla.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will be faced with the unenviable task of telling somebody that they have lost that loving feeling without breaking into song.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
While it's true that love means different things to different people, you'll be saddened by how many people think it includes shiny objects.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
An unusual series of events will teach you to never underestimate the abilities of a master Ninja or pastry chef.
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