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Horoscope for the week of February 2, 2000

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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Horoscope for the week of February 2, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your next-door neighbor continues to pull her blinds down every night. Perhaps she's trying to hide something.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You finally think of that perfect comeback several days too late, but it wouldn't have affected the judge's decision in the least.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be deeply disappointed to discover that the "hot new laptop" your boss promised you is just a computer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars indicate that you are a warm, sweet, thoughtful person who deserves love and respect. They always pull that crap during pledge drives.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The presence of Venus, Mars, and Mercury in your sign just means there's one more party you won't get invited to this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The strange thing about your death won't be the freak water-buffalo stampede. It'll be the fact that you truly deserved it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Avoid sexual relationships with your co-workers this week. You might not think they notice, but they do.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars are getting really tired of the way you only come to them when you need something. Did it ever occur to you that they might like a little help with their future for once? God.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You and your spouse should consider spicing things up in the bedroom this week. Why not try having some sex?
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This is not a good week to start new projects. You're all out of tape.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Love looms large this next week. Have fun watching other people experience how great it is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will feel cheated when you discover there's no law that says you have to be nice to old ladies.

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