Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your next-door neighbor continues to pull her blinds down every night. Perhaps she's trying to hide something.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You finally think of that perfect comeback several days too late, but it wouldn't have affected the judge's decision in the least.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be deeply disappointed to discover that the "hot new laptop" your boss promised you is just a computer.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars indicate that you are a warm, sweet, thoughtful person who deserves love and respect. They always pull that crap during pledge drives.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The presence of Venus, Mars, and Mercury in your sign just means there's one more party you won't get invited to this week.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The strange thing about your death won't be the freak water-buffalo stampede. It'll be the fact that you truly deserved it.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Avoid sexual relationships with your co-workers this week. You might not think they notice, but they do.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars are getting really tired of the way you only come to them when you need something. Did it ever occur to you that they might like a little help with their future for once? God.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You and your spouse should consider spicing things up in the bedroom this week. Why not try having some sex?
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
This is not a good week to start new projects. You're all out of tape.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Love looms large this next week. Have fun watching other people experience how great it is.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will feel cheated when you discover there's no law that says you have to be nice to old ladies.
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