Horoscope for the week of February 2, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 03

Office Politician Runs For Coffee

DENVER–In a move his critics are decrying as "a bald-faced ploy to get in good with the secretarial pool," Conroy Plastics & Polymers office politician John Mancuso announced Monday his intention to run for coffee. "Okay, coffee time... who's up for a little hot java?" asked Mancuso during a 10 a.m. breakroom speech. "Make a list, and I'd be happy to swing by Starbucks and pick it up." Upon learning that he would be picking up 14 cups, Mancuso named co-worker Andrew Sveum his running mate.

Local Homemaker Fights To Overcome Rubbermaid™ Addiction

ELGIN, IL–Members of the Schiller family reported Monday that homemaker Caryn Schiller, 43, is struggling with a severe Rubbermaid™ addiction. "We scheduled a family intervention after she bought a 1.2-quart "EZ-Topps™" Rectangle for potato-chip storage," husband Frank Schiller said. "She broke down and admitted she has a problem. It's in God's hands now." In 1999, Schiller spent more than $1,400 supporting her Rubbermaid™ habit.

Coworker Obsessively Checks E-Mail Every Couple Of Minutes

ARLINGTON, TX–According to adjacent-cubicle sources, Midwest Insurance employee Benjamin Vance checks his e-mail every two minutes. "That little 'ping' noise is driving me up the friggin' wall," co-worker Irene Snow said. "It's like this sick obsession with him. Does he have nothing else to do but check e-mail all day long? It's not like he ever gets any, either. He just has to constantly check." Added Snow: "Jesus."

Roommate's Boyfriend Drinking Yet Another Can Of Soda

SANTA CRUZ, CA–According to University of California–Santa Cruz sophomore Jessica Lenzi, the new boyfriend of roommate Andrea Bloch is drinking yet another can of soda from the fridge. "Does he, like, think those are communal sodas or something? Because they're not." Lenzi said. "Just because soda doesn't cost a lot of money doesn't mean it's free." Lenzi said that if that guy takes one more soda from the fridge, she swears she's going to say something.

The War In Chechnya

During last week's State Of The Union Address, President Clinton called upon Russia to pull out of Chechnya, where, for the past six months, war has raged between Russia and a band of Chechen rebels. What do you think about this worsening international crisis?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 2, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your next-door neighbor continues to pull her blinds down every night. Perhaps she's trying to hide something.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You finally think of that perfect comeback several days too late, but it wouldn't have affected the judge's decision in the least.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will be deeply disappointed to discover that the "hot new laptop" your boss promised you is just a computer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The stars indicate that you are a warm, sweet, thoughtful person who deserves love and respect. They always pull that crap during pledge drives.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The presence of Venus, Mars, and Mercury in your sign just means there's one more party you won't get invited to this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The strange thing about your death won't be the freak water-buffalo stampede. It'll be the fact that you truly deserved it.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Avoid sexual relationships with your co-workers this week. You might not think they notice, but they do.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars are getting really tired of the way you only come to them when you need something. Did it ever occur to you that they might like a little help with their future for once? God.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You and your spouse should consider spicing things up in the bedroom this week. Why not try having some sex?
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    This is not a good week to start new projects. You're all out of tape.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Love looms large this next week. Have fun watching other people experience how great it is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will feel cheated when you discover there's no law that says you have to be nice to old ladies.
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