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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Horoscope for the week of February 2, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your next-door neighbor continues to pull her blinds down every night. Perhaps she's trying to hide something.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You finally think of that perfect comeback several days too late, but it wouldn't have affected the judge's decision in the least.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be deeply disappointed to discover that the "hot new laptop" your boss promised you is just a computer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars indicate that you are a warm, sweet, thoughtful person who deserves love and respect. They always pull that crap during pledge drives.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The presence of Venus, Mars, and Mercury in your sign just means there's one more party you won't get invited to this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The strange thing about your death won't be the freak water-buffalo stampede. It'll be the fact that you truly deserved it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Avoid sexual relationships with your co-workers this week. You might not think they notice, but they do.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars are getting really tired of the way you only come to them when you need something. Did it ever occur to you that they might like a little help with their future for once? God.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You and your spouse should consider spicing things up in the bedroom this week. Why not try having some sex?
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This is not a good week to start new projects. You're all out of tape.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Love looms large this next week. Have fun watching other people experience how great it is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will feel cheated when you discover there's no law that says you have to be nice to old ladies.

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