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Horoscope for the week of February 2, 2000

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Horoscope for the week of February 2, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your next-door neighbor continues to pull her blinds down every night. Perhaps she's trying to hide something.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You finally think of that perfect comeback several days too late, but it wouldn't have affected the judge's decision in the least.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be deeply disappointed to discover that the "hot new laptop" your boss promised you is just a computer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars indicate that you are a warm, sweet, thoughtful person who deserves love and respect. They always pull that crap during pledge drives.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The presence of Venus, Mars, and Mercury in your sign just means there's one more party you won't get invited to this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The strange thing about your death won't be the freak water-buffalo stampede. It'll be the fact that you truly deserved it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Avoid sexual relationships with your co-workers this week. You might not think they notice, but they do.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars are getting really tired of the way you only come to them when you need something. Did it ever occur to you that they might like a little help with their future for once? God.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You and your spouse should consider spicing things up in the bedroom this week. Why not try having some sex?
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This is not a good week to start new projects. You're all out of tape.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Love looms large this next week. Have fun watching other people experience how great it is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will feel cheated when you discover there's no law that says you have to be nice to old ladies.

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