Aries | March 21 to April 19
While the particulars of your final destination are unknown, the dread realm of Death doesn't seem so bad anymore, now that Johnny Carson's there.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll perform an act of selfless bravery next Friday in the false belief that the cameras are catching the whole thing.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Sure enough, when your adopted Chinese daughter arrives next week, you won't be able to understand a word she says because of her near-perfect English.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Nostalgia turns to tedium when, after inheriting your grandfather's cherished Zippo lighter, you waste two days figuring out how to fill the damn thing.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll have no idea how to feel after being honored with a Kennedy Center Lunchtime Achievement Award.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You should carefully examine your thoughts and motivations before allowing yourself to experience ecstasy over William Safire's retirement.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll cry because you have no shoes, but you frickin' cry at everything.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It's said that if you die spectacularly and alone, you're a hero, but if you take others with you, you're a goat. Still, the human cannonball you'll soon meet for .00046 seconds will be the toast of the town.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'll be surprisingly unconcerned with the theft of your intellectual property this week, when you find out that God stole your idea for a giant flying carnivorous porcupine that breathes fire.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
While you're happy you're no longer trapped on a desert island, it's getting tiresome to tell the story every time you ask about current celebrities.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It's nice that you want to talk to kids about smoking, but everyone would rather you did it in public, during the day.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll be in rough shape after taking a long-distance airplane journey just barely over water.
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