Horoscope for the week of February 2, 2005

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Recent News

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Horoscope for the week of February 2, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While the particulars of your final destination are unknown, the dread realm of Death doesn't seem so bad anymore, now that Johnny Carson's there.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll perform an act of selfless bravery next Friday in the false belief that the cameras are catching the whole thing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sure enough, when your adopted Chinese daughter arrives next week, you won't be able to understand a word she says because of her near-perfect English.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Nostalgia turns to tedium when, after inheriting your grandfather's cherished Zippo lighter, you waste two days figuring out how to fill the damn thing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll have no idea how to feel after being honored with a Kennedy Center Lunchtime Achievement Award.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You should carefully examine your thoughts and motivations before allowing yourself to experience ecstasy over William Safire's retirement.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll cry because you have no shoes, but you frickin' cry at everything.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's said that if you die spectacularly and alone, you're a hero, but if you take others with you, you're a goat. Still, the human cannonball you'll soon meet for .00046 seconds will be the toast of the town.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be surprisingly unconcerned with the theft of your intellectual property this week, when you find out that God stole your idea for a giant flying carnivorous porcupine that breathes fire.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you're happy you're no longer trapped on a desert island, it's getting tiresome to tell the story every time you ask about current celebrities.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's nice that you want to talk to kids about smoking, but everyone would rather you did it in public, during the day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be in rough shape after taking a long-distance airplane journey just barely over water.