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Horoscope for the week of February 2, 2005

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of February 2, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While the particulars of your final destination are unknown, the dread realm of Death doesn't seem so bad anymore, now that Johnny Carson's there.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll perform an act of selfless bravery next Friday in the false belief that the cameras are catching the whole thing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sure enough, when your adopted Chinese daughter arrives next week, you won't be able to understand a word she says because of her near-perfect English.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Nostalgia turns to tedium when, after inheriting your grandfather's cherished Zippo lighter, you waste two days figuring out how to fill the damn thing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll have no idea how to feel after being honored with a Kennedy Center Lunchtime Achievement Award.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You should carefully examine your thoughts and motivations before allowing yourself to experience ecstasy over William Safire's retirement.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll cry because you have no shoes, but you frickin' cry at everything.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's said that if you die spectacularly and alone, you're a hero, but if you take others with you, you're a goat. Still, the human cannonball you'll soon meet for .00046 seconds will be the toast of the town.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be surprisingly unconcerned with the theft of your intellectual property this week, when you find out that God stole your idea for a giant flying carnivorous porcupine that breathes fire.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you're happy you're no longer trapped on a desert island, it's getting tiresome to tell the story every time you ask about current celebrities.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's nice that you want to talk to kids about smoking, but everyone would rather you did it in public, during the day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be in rough shape after taking a long-distance airplane journey just barely over water.

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