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Horoscope for the week of February 2, 2005

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Horoscope for the week of February 2, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While the particulars of your final destination are unknown, the dread realm of Death doesn't seem so bad anymore, now that Johnny Carson's there.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll perform an act of selfless bravery next Friday in the false belief that the cameras are catching the whole thing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sure enough, when your adopted Chinese daughter arrives next week, you won't be able to understand a word she says because of her near-perfect English.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Nostalgia turns to tedium when, after inheriting your grandfather's cherished Zippo lighter, you waste two days figuring out how to fill the damn thing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll have no idea how to feel after being honored with a Kennedy Center Lunchtime Achievement Award.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You should carefully examine your thoughts and motivations before allowing yourself to experience ecstasy over William Safire's retirement.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll cry because you have no shoes, but you frickin' cry at everything.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's said that if you die spectacularly and alone, you're a hero, but if you take others with you, you're a goat. Still, the human cannonball you'll soon meet for .00046 seconds will be the toast of the town.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be surprisingly unconcerned with the theft of your intellectual property this week, when you find out that God stole your idea for a giant flying carnivorous porcupine that breathes fire.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you're happy you're no longer trapped on a desert island, it's getting tiresome to tell the story every time you ask about current celebrities.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's nice that you want to talk to kids about smoking, but everyone would rather you did it in public, during the day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be in rough shape after taking a long-distance airplane journey just barely over water.

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