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Horoscope for the week of February 2, 2005

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of February 2, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While the particulars of your final destination are unknown, the dread realm of Death doesn't seem so bad anymore, now that Johnny Carson's there.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll perform an act of selfless bravery next Friday in the false belief that the cameras are catching the whole thing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sure enough, when your adopted Chinese daughter arrives next week, you won't be able to understand a word she says because of her near-perfect English.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Nostalgia turns to tedium when, after inheriting your grandfather's cherished Zippo lighter, you waste two days figuring out how to fill the damn thing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll have no idea how to feel after being honored with a Kennedy Center Lunchtime Achievement Award.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You should carefully examine your thoughts and motivations before allowing yourself to experience ecstasy over William Safire's retirement.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll cry because you have no shoes, but you frickin' cry at everything.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's said that if you die spectacularly and alone, you're a hero, but if you take others with you, you're a goat. Still, the human cannonball you'll soon meet for .00046 seconds will be the toast of the town.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be surprisingly unconcerned with the theft of your intellectual property this week, when you find out that God stole your idea for a giant flying carnivorous porcupine that breathes fire.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you're happy you're no longer trapped on a desert island, it's getting tiresome to tell the story every time you ask about current celebrities.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's nice that you want to talk to kids about smoking, but everyone would rather you did it in public, during the day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be in rough shape after taking a long-distance airplane journey just barely over water.

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