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Horoscope for the week of February 20, 2002

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The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of February 20, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Those hot-shot doctors may think your colon cancer is inoperable, but this week you and your trusty Scout knife are going to prove them wrong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Confusion over the definition of the word "elope" will soon bring you familiarity with Las Vegas' surprisingly comprehensive animal-cruelty laws.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be chained to a rock, upon which eagles will devour your liver for all eternity, after you steal the secret of a great marinara sauce from the gods.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You didn't think you were the type to marry a convicted murderer after reading his letters, but everyone else did.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember, it's perfectly normal for your body to go through some changes while you are in the phase known as "post-mortem deliquescence."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Anger and frustration overtake you when you decide that if you cannot have Betty Rubble, no man will.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After his untimely death, all those mean things you said about Dave will come back to haunt you. As will Dave himself.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A lovestruck man will play guitar and sing underneath your bedroom window this week, which might be romantic if it weren't Ted Nugent.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will spend the next few days in the company of people who firmly believe that you hate figure skating because of your lack of ability at it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon find yourself entangled in a messy accident with a knife thrower, although drunk driving, not knife throwing, is actually the real issue.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Gustav Holst will appear to you in a dream and refuse to leave until you agree that John Williams has been ripping him off for years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's not true that all the good band names are taken. But if believing that keeps you from starting a band, great.

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