Aries | March 21 to April 19
Those hot-shot doctors may think your colon cancer is inoperable, but this week you and your trusty Scout knife are going to prove them wrong.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Confusion over the definition of the word "elope" will soon bring you familiarity with Las Vegas' surprisingly comprehensive animal-cruelty laws.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be chained to a rock, upon which eagles will devour your liver for all eternity, after you steal the secret of a great marinara sauce from the gods.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You didn't think you were the type to marry a convicted murderer after reading his letters, but everyone else did.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Remember, it's perfectly normal for your body to go through some changes while you are in the phase known as "post-mortem deliquescence."
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Anger and frustration overtake you when you decide that if you cannot have Betty Rubble, no man will.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After his untimely death, all those mean things you said about Dave will come back to haunt you. As will Dave himself.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A lovestruck man will play guitar and sing underneath your bedroom window this week, which might be romantic if it weren't Ted Nugent.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will spend the next few days in the company of people who firmly believe that you hate figure skating because of your lack of ability at it.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will soon find yourself entangled in a messy accident with a knife thrower, although drunk driving, not knife throwing, is actually the real issue.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Gustav Holst will appear to you in a dream and refuse to leave until you agree that John Williams has been ripping him off for years.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It's not true that all the good band names are taken. But if believing that keeps you from starting a band, great.
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