Horoscope for the week of February 20, 2002

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Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

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Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

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Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

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Horoscope for the week of February 20, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Those hot-shot doctors may think your colon cancer is inoperable, but this week you and your trusty Scout knife are going to prove them wrong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Confusion over the definition of the word "elope" will soon bring you familiarity with Las Vegas' surprisingly comprehensive animal-cruelty laws.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be chained to a rock, upon which eagles will devour your liver for all eternity, after you steal the secret of a great marinara sauce from the gods.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You didn't think you were the type to marry a convicted murderer after reading his letters, but everyone else did.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember, it's perfectly normal for your body to go through some changes while you are in the phase known as "post-mortem deliquescence."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Anger and frustration overtake you when you decide that if you cannot have Betty Rubble, no man will.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After his untimely death, all those mean things you said about Dave will come back to haunt you. As will Dave himself.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A lovestruck man will play guitar and sing underneath your bedroom window this week, which might be romantic if it weren't Ted Nugent.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will spend the next few days in the company of people who firmly believe that you hate figure skating because of your lack of ability at it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon find yourself entangled in a messy accident with a knife thrower, although drunk driving, not knife throwing, is actually the real issue.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Gustav Holst will appear to you in a dream and refuse to leave until you agree that John Williams has been ripping him off for years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's not true that all the good band names are taken. But if believing that keeps you from starting a band, great.


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