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Horoscope for the week of February 20, 2002

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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Horoscope for the week of February 20, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Those hot-shot doctors may think your colon cancer is inoperable, but this week you and your trusty Scout knife are going to prove them wrong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Confusion over the definition of the word "elope" will soon bring you familiarity with Las Vegas' surprisingly comprehensive animal-cruelty laws.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be chained to a rock, upon which eagles will devour your liver for all eternity, after you steal the secret of a great marinara sauce from the gods.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You didn't think you were the type to marry a convicted murderer after reading his letters, but everyone else did.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember, it's perfectly normal for your body to go through some changes while you are in the phase known as "post-mortem deliquescence."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Anger and frustration overtake you when you decide that if you cannot have Betty Rubble, no man will.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After his untimely death, all those mean things you said about Dave will come back to haunt you. As will Dave himself.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A lovestruck man will play guitar and sing underneath your bedroom window this week, which might be romantic if it weren't Ted Nugent.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will spend the next few days in the company of people who firmly believe that you hate figure skating because of your lack of ability at it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon find yourself entangled in a messy accident with a knife thrower, although drunk driving, not knife throwing, is actually the real issue.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Gustav Holst will appear to you in a dream and refuse to leave until you agree that John Williams has been ripping him off for years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's not true that all the good band names are taken. But if believing that keeps you from starting a band, great.

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