Horoscope for the week of February 20, 2002

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 20, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Those hot-shot doctors may think your colon cancer is inoperable, but this week you and your trusty Scout knife are going to prove them wrong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Confusion over the definition of the word "elope" will soon bring you familiarity with Las Vegas' surprisingly comprehensive animal-cruelty laws.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be chained to a rock, upon which eagles will devour your liver for all eternity, after you steal the secret of a great marinara sauce from the gods.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You didn't think you were the type to marry a convicted murderer after reading his letters, but everyone else did.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember, it's perfectly normal for your body to go through some changes while you are in the phase known as "post-mortem deliquescence."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Anger and frustration overtake you when you decide that if you cannot have Betty Rubble, no man will.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After his untimely death, all those mean things you said about Dave will come back to haunt you. As will Dave himself.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A lovestruck man will play guitar and sing underneath your bedroom window this week, which might be romantic if it weren't Ted Nugent.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will spend the next few days in the company of people who firmly believe that you hate figure skating because of your lack of ability at it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon find yourself entangled in a messy accident with a knife thrower, although drunk driving, not knife throwing, is actually the real issue.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Gustav Holst will appear to you in a dream and refuse to leave until you agree that John Williams has been ripping him off for years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's not true that all the good band names are taken. But if believing that keeps you from starting a band, great.