Horoscope for the week of February 20, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 06

Man's Dream To Get Drunk In An A-Frame Finally Realized

GLENWOOD SPRINGS, CO— Pete Strausbaugh, 33, a Denver-area electrician, realized a longtime dream Saturday when he got drunk in an A-frame house. "Man, that was even better than I thought it would be," said Strausbaugh, finishing off a ninth Coors Light in the living room of his A-frame at Sunlight Mountain ski resort. "It's not quite up there with being drunk in a treehouse, but still." Strausbaugh later announced that his new ambition is to get baked at Niagara Falls.

Conrad Bain Steps Down As National Kitsch-Reference Laureate

WASHINGTON, DC— Actor Conrad Bain, known to millions as Philip Drummond on the hit '70s sitcom Diff'rent Strokes, stepped down Monday from the post of National Kitsch-Reference Laureate. "I am extremely proud to have served my country for the past 11 years in my humorous-referential capacity," Bain said. "Almost as proud as I was of Willis and Arnold that time they went on the hunger strike to save the ancient Indian burial ground that my construction company was going to tear up for a new building." Bain added that he is fully confident that his successor, Ron "Horshack" Palillo, "will serve the nation with distinction and honor."

Guy Who Just Wiped Out Immediately Claims He's Fine

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT— A fraction of a second after wiping out on a patch of ice, South Burlington pedestrian Isaac Berkman loudly insisted that he was fine. "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine," Berkman, 24, told concerned onlookers before he even straightened his badly twisted legs and attempted to stand up. "I'm okay." After noticing a deep gash just below his left knee, Berkman instantly assured witnesses that the heavily bleeding wound was "no biggie" and "totally under control."

Dog Keeps Iceland Awake All Night

REYKJAVIK, ICELAND— The nation of Iceland was tired and cranky Monday after being kept up all night by a howling dog. "People were complaining as far away as Seyhisfjórdhur," said President Ólafur Grimsson, brewing an extra pot of coffee. "The sound carries a long way up here." Grimsson said none of Iceland's 280,000 citizens were close enough to the dog—believed to have been stranded on an ice floe near Vestmannaeyjar—to throw a shoe at it.

New Bin Laden Tape Contains Three Previously Unreleased Monologues

ATLANTA— A new Osama bin Laden videotape acquired by CNN from Al-Jazeera features three previously unreleased anti-U.S. rants and harangues by the terrorist leader, excited network sources said Monday. "One piece goes on for 45 minutes and is entirely about the need to bring down the Great Satan," CNN spokesman Gil Eckert said. "In another, shorter piece, he's sitting in a dank cave, cryptically telling some guy off camera about the 'great victory' Allah will enjoy in the very near future." The eagerly anticipated tape, the first new material from bin Laden in more than two months, hits video stores Tuesday.

The Axis Of Evil

President Bush's State of the Union pronouncement that North Korea, Iran, and Iraq represent an "Axis of Evil" continues to spark debate. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 20, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    Those hot-shot doctors may think your colon cancer is inoperable, but this week you and your trusty Scout knife are going to prove them wrong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Confusion over the definition of the word "elope" will soon bring you familiarity with Las Vegas' surprisingly comprehensive animal-cruelty laws.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will be chained to a rock, upon which eagles will devour your liver for all eternity, after you steal the secret of a great marinara sauce from the gods.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You didn't think you were the type to marry a convicted murderer after reading his letters, but everyone else did.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Remember, it's perfectly normal for your body to go through some changes while you are in the phase known as "post-mortem deliquescence."
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Anger and frustration overtake you when you decide that if you cannot have Betty Rubble, no man will.
  • Libra

    Libra

    After his untimely death, all those mean things you said about Dave will come back to haunt you. As will Dave himself.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    A lovestruck man will play guitar and sing underneath your bedroom window this week, which might be romantic if it weren't Ted Nugent.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will spend the next few days in the company of people who firmly believe that you hate figure skating because of your lack of ability at it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will soon find yourself entangled in a messy accident with a knife thrower, although drunk driving, not knife throwing, is actually the real issue.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Gustav Holst will appear to you in a dream and refuse to leave until you agree that John Williams has been ripping him off for years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    It's not true that all the good band names are taken. But if believing that keeps you from starting a band, great.
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