Horoscope for the week of February 21, 2001

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 21, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your conviction that there is meaning and purpose to life is shattered when you are reminded of the existence of Phyllis Diller.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you know the difference between a pseudopod and a blastula, you can't figure out why you would suddenly sprout so many of them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Until next Thursday, you would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that unicycles couldn't explode.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will enjoy increased attention when you are chosen as the site of the 2008 Summer Olympics.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will finally achieve lasting peace of mind this week, moments after a wayward icepick removes your frontal lobe.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your whole view of the universe will change drastically when you learn you have been greatly overestimating the strength of the weak nuclear force.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No one can say you don't have good all-American values. After all, you're the House Of All-American Values off Route 40 in Davenport, IA.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your conspiracy theory about a shadowy cabal of high-ranking Hardee's executives who run the Hardee's restaurant chain from behind the scenes turns out to be frighteningly close to reality.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The worst thing about the bloody events of next week will be that Penn and Teller feel no need to apologize for any of it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you're not sure why people are always telling you to go screw yourself, there's no real reason not to.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The derisive laughter of others is silenced when your deed to the Brooklyn Bridge turns out to be legal and ironclad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Try to keep things in proper perspective this week, even after you lose your left eye to marauding longbowmen.