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Horoscope for the week of February 21, 2001

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of February 21, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your conviction that there is meaning and purpose to life is shattered when you are reminded of the existence of Phyllis Diller.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you know the difference between a pseudopod and a blastula, you can't figure out why you would suddenly sprout so many of them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Until next Thursday, you would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that unicycles couldn't explode.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will enjoy increased attention when you are chosen as the site of the 2008 Summer Olympics.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will finally achieve lasting peace of mind this week, moments after a wayward icepick removes your frontal lobe.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your whole view of the universe will change drastically when you learn you have been greatly overestimating the strength of the weak nuclear force.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No one can say you don't have good all-American values. After all, you're the House Of All-American Values off Route 40 in Davenport, IA.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your conspiracy theory about a shadowy cabal of high-ranking Hardee's executives who run the Hardee's restaurant chain from behind the scenes turns out to be frighteningly close to reality.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The worst thing about the bloody events of next week will be that Penn and Teller feel no need to apologize for any of it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you're not sure why people are always telling you to go screw yourself, there's no real reason not to.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The derisive laughter of others is silenced when your deed to the Brooklyn Bridge turns out to be legal and ironclad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Try to keep things in proper perspective this week, even after you lose your left eye to marauding longbowmen.

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