Horoscope for the week of February 21, 2001

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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of February 21, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your conviction that there is meaning and purpose to life is shattered when you are reminded of the existence of Phyllis Diller.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you know the difference between a pseudopod and a blastula, you can't figure out why you would suddenly sprout so many of them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Until next Thursday, you would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that unicycles couldn't explode.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will enjoy increased attention when you are chosen as the site of the 2008 Summer Olympics.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will finally achieve lasting peace of mind this week, moments after a wayward icepick removes your frontal lobe.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your whole view of the universe will change drastically when you learn you have been greatly overestimating the strength of the weak nuclear force.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No one can say you don't have good all-American values. After all, you're the House Of All-American Values off Route 40 in Davenport, IA.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your conspiracy theory about a shadowy cabal of high-ranking Hardee's executives who run the Hardee's restaurant chain from behind the scenes turns out to be frighteningly close to reality.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The worst thing about the bloody events of next week will be that Penn and Teller feel no need to apologize for any of it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Though you're not sure why people are always telling you to go screw yourself, there's no real reason not to.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The derisive laughter of others is silenced when your deed to the Brooklyn Bridge turns out to be legal and ironclad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Try to keep things in proper perspective this week, even after you lose your left eye to marauding longbowmen.


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