Horoscope for the week of February 21, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 06

Pre-Teen Moves From Giggling-At-Everything Phase To Never-Smiling Phase

WATERVILLE, ME–Cori Schmidt, 12, went through a life change Tuesday, moving from the giggling-at-everything stage of adolescence to the never-smiling stage. "My goodness, just the other day, I accidentally left a pair of old pantyhose on the couch, and she was jumping all over the living room giggling hysterically," Hannah Schmidt, 41, said of her maturing daughter. "But now, everything I say to her is met with a gloomy scowl." Asked if she was aware of her passage into sullenhood, the younger Schmidt said, "I don't know," without making eye contact.

Australian Forced To Flee Homeland To Sell His Microwave Omelet Cooker

BURBANK, CA–Mick Hastie, Australian political refugee and inventor of the Perfect Omelet microwave omelet cooker, recently fled his native land for the U.S., where he is free to sell his amazing new device without fear. "I am a man without a country, forced out by a corrupt regime that thinks omelets can only be prepared the old-fashioned way, in a greasy skillet," Hastie told a studio audience from the set of his infomercial Monday. "I fled in a leaky tramp steamer, risking death but knowing I'd at least be free of the tyranny of the stove-top omelet."

New Energy Secretary Guesses He Ought To Read Up On Energy

WASHINGTON, DC–Spencer Abraham, the newly installed U.S. Energy Secretary, admitted Monday that he probably ought to read up on energy. "I know energy is really important, and that there was a big crisis back in the '70s, but other than that, I'm in the dark," Abraham said. "I was hoping to be appointed Secretary of Transportation, which I know a lot more about, but that one was already taken." The former Michigan senator said he plans to go to the library Thursday to look up "Energy" in The World Book Encyclopedia.

Ostensibly Heterosexual Man Constantly Threatening To Put Objects Up Coworkers' Asses

IRVING, TX–Though married and ostensibly heterosexual, Westech Data Systems office manager Douglas Briar is constantly threatening to anally penetrate male coworkers with office supplies. "Keep it up," Briar warned coworker Trent Lonegan Monday, "and I'll ram this toner cartridge up your ass." Briar has made similar threats involving staplers, three-hole punches, coffee pots, and rolls of fax paper.

Bush Still Getting Clinton's Mail

WASHINGTON, DC–More than a month after moving into the White House, President Bush continues to receive former occupant Bill Clinton's mail, Bush reported Monday. "Is it so hard to fill out a change-of-address form at the post office?" asked Bush, waving a copy of Rolling Stone addressed to Clinton. "I suppose he expects me to mail all this to him." Bush added that if one more Sierra Club newsletter arrives for Clinton, it is going straight into the trash.

The Tax-Cut Proposal

In his first major initiative as president, George W. Bush is lobbying hard for a controversial $1.6 trillion tax cut. What do you think?

Ask An Upscale Gift Catalog

Dakota, Spring 2001 is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask An Upscale Gift Catalog, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Horoscope for the week of February 21, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your conviction that there is meaning and purpose to life is shattered when you are reminded of the existence of Phyllis Diller.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Though you know the difference between a pseudopod and a blastula, you can't figure out why you would suddenly sprout so many of them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Until next Thursday, you would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that unicycles couldn't explode.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will enjoy increased attention when you are chosen as the site of the 2008 Summer Olympics.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will finally achieve lasting peace of mind this week, moments after a wayward icepick removes your frontal lobe.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your whole view of the universe will change drastically when you learn you have been greatly overestimating the strength of the weak nuclear force.
  • Libra

    Libra

    No one can say you don't have good all-American values. After all, you're the House Of All-American Values off Route 40 in Davenport, IA.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your conspiracy theory about a shadowy cabal of high-ranking Hardee's executives who run the Hardee's restaurant chain from behind the scenes turns out to be frighteningly close to reality.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The worst thing about the bloody events of next week will be that Penn and Teller feel no need to apologize for any of it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Though you're not sure why people are always telling you to go screw yourself, there's no real reason not to.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The derisive laughter of others is silenced when your deed to the Brooklyn Bridge turns out to be legal and ironclad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Try to keep things in proper perspective this week, even after you lose your left eye to marauding longbowmen.
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