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Horoscope for the week of February 23, 2000

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope for the week of February 23, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report will contain evidence to the contrary.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're in for an unpleasant surprise when you break society's unwritten rule against murder.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini969 World Series MVP Donn Clendenon would like to have a word with you about his disappointing experience as your childhood sports hero.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You know full well what's going to happen this week: You'll get a job or this relationship is over.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The Bureau of Zodiac Affairs has decided to reserve the star-sign Leo for Native Americans. Please be ready to provide proof of heritage.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The coming of spring means it may finally be time to let the long, lonely trick-or-treat come to an end.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will achieve a sort of fame after being featured on the History Channel's Great Masturbators Of The 1980s.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Despite your best efforts, Portugal still has only the 33rd highest per-capita gross domestic product.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars say you are handsome, smart, and their new best friend, but two seconds later, they ask to borrow your car.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    When planning your week's schedule, don't forget about the part between Tuesday and Friday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Resolve to finish projects this week. This is no time to stop halfway up the Space Needle with a backpack full of high explosives and Jell-O.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars apologize for always getting to you last, but you're by far the least important.

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