Horoscope for the week of February 23, 2000

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of February 23, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report will contain evidence to the contrary.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're in for an unpleasant surprise when you break society's unwritten rule against murder.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini969 World Series MVP Donn Clendenon would like to have a word with you about his disappointing experience as your childhood sports hero.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You know full well what's going to happen this week: You'll get a job or this relationship is over.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The Bureau of Zodiac Affairs has decided to reserve the star-sign Leo for Native Americans. Please be ready to provide proof of heritage.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The coming of spring means it may finally be time to let the long, lonely trick-or-treat come to an end.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will achieve a sort of fame after being featured on the History Channel's Great Masturbators Of The 1980s.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Despite your best efforts, Portugal still has only the 33rd highest per-capita gross domestic product.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars say you are handsome, smart, and their new best friend, but two seconds later, they ask to borrow your car.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    When planning your week's schedule, don't forget about the part between Tuesday and Friday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Resolve to finish projects this week. This is no time to stop halfway up the Space Needle with a backpack full of high explosives and Jell-O.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars apologize for always getting to you last, but you're by far the least important.


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