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Horoscope for the week of February 23, 2000

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of February 23, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report will contain evidence to the contrary.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're in for an unpleasant surprise when you break society's unwritten rule against murder.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini969 World Series MVP Donn Clendenon would like to have a word with you about his disappointing experience as your childhood sports hero.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You know full well what's going to happen this week: You'll get a job or this relationship is over.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The Bureau of Zodiac Affairs has decided to reserve the star-sign Leo for Native Americans. Please be ready to provide proof of heritage.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The coming of spring means it may finally be time to let the long, lonely trick-or-treat come to an end.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will achieve a sort of fame after being featured on the History Channel's Great Masturbators Of The 1980s.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Despite your best efforts, Portugal still has only the 33rd highest per-capita gross domestic product.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars say you are handsome, smart, and their new best friend, but two seconds later, they ask to borrow your car.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    When planning your week's schedule, don't forget about the part between Tuesday and Friday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Resolve to finish projects this week. This is no time to stop halfway up the Space Needle with a backpack full of high explosives and Jell-O.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars apologize for always getting to you last, but you're by far the least important.

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