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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Horoscope for the week of February 23, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report will contain evidence to the contrary.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're in for an unpleasant surprise when you break society's unwritten rule against murder.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini969 World Series MVP Donn Clendenon would like to have a word with you about his disappointing experience as your childhood sports hero.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You know full well what's going to happen this week: You'll get a job or this relationship is over.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The Bureau of Zodiac Affairs has decided to reserve the star-sign Leo for Native Americans. Please be ready to provide proof of heritage.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The coming of spring means it may finally be time to let the long, lonely trick-or-treat come to an end.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will achieve a sort of fame after being featured on the History Channel's Great Masturbators Of The 1980s.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Despite your best efforts, Portugal still has only the 33rd highest per-capita gross domestic product.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars say you are handsome, smart, and their new best friend, but two seconds later, they ask to borrow your car.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    When planning your week's schedule, don't forget about the part between Tuesday and Friday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Resolve to finish projects this week. This is no time to stop halfway up the Space Needle with a backpack full of high explosives and Jell-O.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars apologize for always getting to you last, but you're by far the least important.

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