Horoscope for the week of February 23, 2005

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 23, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll have an identity crisis when you find out your life is just another Internet rumor.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When the aliens finally initiate relations, you'll be surprised to find their mysterious handbook is, when translated, actually a drink-mixing guide.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're not excusing your own ignorance in the matter, but the Museum of Modern Art should've announced that the fur-lined teacup was not for drinking.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your contribution to the performing arts is limited to the fact that your mama is so fat almost anything can be said about her.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll somehow manage to lose your lucky glass vial of smallpox culture in the subway, but that's okay—you've got a 10-gallon cooler of the stuff in your basement.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You have no idea why thousands of shrieking, lovesick teens chase you everywhere you go, but you're pretty sure it's not because of your shitty albums.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After nine long hours, fried-chicken company executives will finally find a monetary figure that convinces you to leave the taste-test.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's true that we live in a disposable culture, but that's no reason to wad men up into little balls and throw them in the trash when you're done using them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your life will take a horrible turn, due to your inability to tell how old girls are and where cameras are hidden.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Unfortunately, the rain will arrive at the precise moment when you're about to answer the age-old question of whether fire is man's friend or foe.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    For 15 terrifying minutes, the universe will indeed revolve around you, causing the death of billions because you decide to skip rope.