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Horoscope for the week of February 23, 2005

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of February 23, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll have an identity crisis when you find out your life is just another Internet rumor.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When the aliens finally initiate relations, you'll be surprised to find their mysterious handbook is, when translated, actually a drink-mixing guide.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're not excusing your own ignorance in the matter, but the Museum of Modern Art should've announced that the fur-lined teacup was not for drinking.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your contribution to the performing arts is limited to the fact that your mama is so fat almost anything can be said about her.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll somehow manage to lose your lucky glass vial of smallpox culture in the subway, but that's okay—you've got a 10-gallon cooler of the stuff in your basement.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You have no idea why thousands of shrieking, lovesick teens chase you everywhere you go, but you're pretty sure it's not because of your shitty albums.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After nine long hours, fried-chicken company executives will finally find a monetary figure that convinces you to leave the taste-test.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's true that we live in a disposable culture, but that's no reason to wad men up into little balls and throw them in the trash when you're done using them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your life will take a horrible turn, due to your inability to tell how old girls are and where cameras are hidden.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Unfortunately, the rain will arrive at the precise moment when you're about to answer the age-old question of whether fire is man's friend or foe.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    For 15 terrifying minutes, the universe will indeed revolve around you, causing the death of billions because you decide to skip rope.

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