Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll have an identity crisis when you find out your life is just another Internet rumor.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
When the aliens finally initiate relations, you'll be surprised to find their mysterious handbook is, when translated, actually a drink-mixing guide.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You're not excusing your own ignorance in the matter, but the Museum of Modern Art should've announced that the fur-lined teacup was not for drinking.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your contribution to the performing arts is limited to the fact that your mama is so fat almost anything can be said about her.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll somehow manage to lose your lucky glass vial of smallpox culture in the subway, but that's okay—you've got a 10-gallon cooler of the stuff in your basement.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You have no idea why thousands of shrieking, lovesick teens chase you everywhere you go, but you're pretty sure it's not because of your shitty albums.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
After nine long hours, fried-chicken company executives will finally find a monetary figure that convinces you to leave the taste-test.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
It's true that we live in a disposable culture, but that's no reason to wad men up into little balls and throw them in the trash when you're done using them.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your life will take a horrible turn, due to your inability to tell how old girls are and where cameras are hidden.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Unfortunately, the rain will arrive at the precise moment when you're about to answer the age-old question of whether fire is man's friend or foe.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
For 15 terrifying minutes, the universe will indeed revolve around you, causing the death of billions because you decide to skip rope.
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