adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of February 23, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll have an identity crisis when you find out your life is just another Internet rumor.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When the aliens finally initiate relations, you'll be surprised to find their mysterious handbook is, when translated, actually a drink-mixing guide.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're not excusing your own ignorance in the matter, but the Museum of Modern Art should've announced that the fur-lined teacup was not for drinking.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your contribution to the performing arts is limited to the fact that your mama is so fat almost anything can be said about her.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll somehow manage to lose your lucky glass vial of smallpox culture in the subway, but that's okay—you've got a 10-gallon cooler of the stuff in your basement.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You have no idea why thousands of shrieking, lovesick teens chase you everywhere you go, but you're pretty sure it's not because of your shitty albums.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After nine long hours, fried-chicken company executives will finally find a monetary figure that convinces you to leave the taste-test.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's true that we live in a disposable culture, but that's no reason to wad men up into little balls and throw them in the trash when you're done using them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your life will take a horrible turn, due to your inability to tell how old girls are and where cameras are hidden.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Unfortunately, the rain will arrive at the precise moment when you're about to answer the age-old question of whether fire is man's friend or foe.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    For 15 terrifying minutes, the universe will indeed revolve around you, causing the death of billions because you decide to skip rope.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close