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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

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The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Horoscope for the week of February 23, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll have an identity crisis when you find out your life is just another Internet rumor.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When the aliens finally initiate relations, you'll be surprised to find their mysterious handbook is, when translated, actually a drink-mixing guide.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're not excusing your own ignorance in the matter, but the Museum of Modern Art should've announced that the fur-lined teacup was not for drinking.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your contribution to the performing arts is limited to the fact that your mama is so fat almost anything can be said about her.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll somehow manage to lose your lucky glass vial of smallpox culture in the subway, but that's okay—you've got a 10-gallon cooler of the stuff in your basement.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You have no idea why thousands of shrieking, lovesick teens chase you everywhere you go, but you're pretty sure it's not because of your shitty albums.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After nine long hours, fried-chicken company executives will finally find a monetary figure that convinces you to leave the taste-test.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's true that we live in a disposable culture, but that's no reason to wad men up into little balls and throw them in the trash when you're done using them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your life will take a horrible turn, due to your inability to tell how old girls are and where cameras are hidden.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Unfortunately, the rain will arrive at the precise moment when you're about to answer the age-old question of whether fire is man's friend or foe.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    For 15 terrifying minutes, the universe will indeed revolve around you, causing the death of billions because you decide to skip rope.
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