adBlockCheck

Recent News

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of February 24, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Explorers will finally find the long lost city of Atlantis this week. All the evidence will point to you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Excitement and romance are Taurus' lot this week when, dressed as a high-priced hooker, you infiltrate the Governor’s Ball and get free snacks.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You and your spouse find a good way to bring excitement back into the bedroom. Expect to be pinned down behind the bureau by small arms fire for the next several weeks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The whimsical unicorn from the back of your denim vest will magically come to life and frame you for counterfeiting.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will finally find your heart’s desire, but not in your first color choice.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fewer things in life are as good and pure as you once believed. After Friday, you’ll cross "cute puppies" off your list.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Yet another perfect witchburning will be ruined by the presence of irritating smoke alarms. Consider finding a new apartment.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The courts will finally grant you access to your permanent record, but it contains only a disturbingly complete history of Menudo.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Make a move toward self-improvement this week. Mark the toes of your shoes with a large "L" and “R" as needed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your parents will finally admit that your birth was the result of 1974's most ambitious and controversial 4-H project.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Events will teach you the hard lesson that money is not the most important thing in the world. Nice shoes are.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars are flattered you asked, but your future can only be read in steaming-fresh sheep entrails.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close