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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Horoscope for the week of February 24, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Explorers will finally find the long lost city of Atlantis this week. All the evidence will point to you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Excitement and romance are Taurus' lot this week when, dressed as a high-priced hooker, you infiltrate the Governor’s Ball and get free snacks.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You and your spouse find a good way to bring excitement back into the bedroom. Expect to be pinned down behind the bureau by small arms fire for the next several weeks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The whimsical unicorn from the back of your denim vest will magically come to life and frame you for counterfeiting.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will finally find your heart’s desire, but not in your first color choice.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fewer things in life are as good and pure as you once believed. After Friday, you’ll cross "cute puppies" off your list.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Yet another perfect witchburning will be ruined by the presence of irritating smoke alarms. Consider finding a new apartment.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The courts will finally grant you access to your permanent record, but it contains only a disturbingly complete history of Menudo.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Make a move toward self-improvement this week. Mark the toes of your shoes with a large "L" and “R" as needed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your parents will finally admit that your birth was the result of 1974's most ambitious and controversial 4-H project.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Events will teach you the hard lesson that money is not the most important thing in the world. Nice shoes are.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars are flattered you asked, but your future can only be read in steaming-fresh sheep entrails.
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