Horoscope for the week of February 24, 1999

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Horoscope for the week of February 24, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Explorers will finally find the long lost city of Atlantis this week. All the evidence will point to you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Excitement and romance are Taurus' lot this week when, dressed as a high-priced hooker, you infiltrate the Governor’s Ball and get free snacks.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You and your spouse find a good way to bring excitement back into the bedroom. Expect to be pinned down behind the bureau by small arms fire for the next several weeks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The whimsical unicorn from the back of your denim vest will magically come to life and frame you for counterfeiting.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will finally find your heart’s desire, but not in your first color choice.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fewer things in life are as good and pure as you once believed. After Friday, you’ll cross "cute puppies" off your list.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Yet another perfect witchburning will be ruined by the presence of irritating smoke alarms. Consider finding a new apartment.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The courts will finally grant you access to your permanent record, but it contains only a disturbingly complete history of Menudo.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Make a move toward self-improvement this week. Mark the toes of your shoes with a large "L" and “R" as needed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your parents will finally admit that your birth was the result of 1974's most ambitious and controversial 4-H project.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Events will teach you the hard lesson that money is not the most important thing in the world. Nice shoes are.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars are flattered you asked, but your future can only be read in steaming-fresh sheep entrails.


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