Horoscope for the week of February 24, 1999

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Business

Horoscope for the week of February 24, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Explorers will finally find the long lost city of Atlantis this week. All the evidence will point to you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Excitement and romance are Taurus' lot this week when, dressed as a high-priced hooker, you infiltrate the Governor’s Ball and get free snacks.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You and your spouse find a good way to bring excitement back into the bedroom. Expect to be pinned down behind the bureau by small arms fire for the next several weeks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The whimsical unicorn from the back of your denim vest will magically come to life and frame you for counterfeiting.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will finally find your heart’s desire, but not in your first color choice.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fewer things in life are as good and pure as you once believed. After Friday, you’ll cross "cute puppies" off your list.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Yet another perfect witchburning will be ruined by the presence of irritating smoke alarms. Consider finding a new apartment.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The courts will finally grant you access to your permanent record, but it contains only a disturbingly complete history of Menudo.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Make a move toward self-improvement this week. Mark the toes of your shoes with a large "L" and “R" as needed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your parents will finally admit that your birth was the result of 1974's most ambitious and controversial 4-H project.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Events will teach you the hard lesson that money is not the most important thing in the world. Nice shoes are.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars are flattered you asked, but your future can only be read in steaming-fresh sheep entrails.