Horoscope for the week of February 25, 1998

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Recent News

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of February 25, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your week takes a turn for the worse when your favorite restaurant takes your favorite meal off the menu. Sneak in at night and fill all the salt shakers with arsenic.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your marriage will finally fall apart this week when your spouse, in a fit of pique, takes the cheerleading squad's word over yours.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Dedicate yourself to the vision of poet Herman Hesse, who declared war on cheap, false beauty: Kill every figure skater you can find.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    To your chagrin, you will learn that, despite your large staff of assistants, cellular phone, car fax, and tailored navy-blue Armani suits, you are not yet a complete asshole.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will receive a politely worded form letter from the AARP asking you to help make the world nice and quiet.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though the next few weeks will be a living hell, you will summon the strength to go on the same way you always have: by inflicting endless pain and humiliation upon your family and friends.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If you seize opportunity and play your cards right this week, you will probably still stay in the same dead-end job.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will feel strange and awkward this week when you realize that the little voice in your head is actually just James Earl Jones standing behind you whispering lewd suggestions.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Three nutty friends, three snowboards, a broken-down old van, and a suitcase full of money combine for some wacky hijinks tonight on Sag!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately, you left visible fingerprints on the ransom note.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A routine speeding ticket turns into a party when you are arrested by America's horniest cops.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your friends disown you and stone you in public when they discover that you've been keeping company with Andrew.