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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of February 25, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your week takes a turn for the worse when your favorite restaurant takes your favorite meal off the menu. Sneak in at night and fill all the salt shakers with arsenic.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your marriage will finally fall apart this week when your spouse, in a fit of pique, takes the cheerleading squad's word over yours.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Dedicate yourself to the vision of poet Herman Hesse, who declared war on cheap, false beauty: Kill every figure skater you can find.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    To your chagrin, you will learn that, despite your large staff of assistants, cellular phone, car fax, and tailored navy-blue Armani suits, you are not yet a complete asshole.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will receive a politely worded form letter from the AARP asking you to help make the world nice and quiet.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though the next few weeks will be a living hell, you will summon the strength to go on the same way you always have: by inflicting endless pain and humiliation upon your family and friends.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If you seize opportunity and play your cards right this week, you will probably still stay in the same dead-end job.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will feel strange and awkward this week when you realize that the little voice in your head is actually just James Earl Jones standing behind you whispering lewd suggestions.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Three nutty friends, three snowboards, a broken-down old van, and a suitcase full of money combine for some wacky hijinks tonight on Sag!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately, you left visible fingerprints on the ransom note.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A routine speeding ticket turns into a party when you are arrested by America's horniest cops.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your friends disown you and stone you in public when they discover that you've been keeping company with Andrew.

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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