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Horoscope for the week of February 25, 1998

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of February 25, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your week takes a turn for the worse when your favorite restaurant takes your favorite meal off the menu. Sneak in at night and fill all the salt shakers with arsenic.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your marriage will finally fall apart this week when your spouse, in a fit of pique, takes the cheerleading squad's word over yours.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Dedicate yourself to the vision of poet Herman Hesse, who declared war on cheap, false beauty: Kill every figure skater you can find.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    To your chagrin, you will learn that, despite your large staff of assistants, cellular phone, car fax, and tailored navy-blue Armani suits, you are not yet a complete asshole.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will receive a politely worded form letter from the AARP asking you to help make the world nice and quiet.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though the next few weeks will be a living hell, you will summon the strength to go on the same way you always have: by inflicting endless pain and humiliation upon your family and friends.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If you seize opportunity and play your cards right this week, you will probably still stay in the same dead-end job.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will feel strange and awkward this week when you realize that the little voice in your head is actually just James Earl Jones standing behind you whispering lewd suggestions.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Three nutty friends, three snowboards, a broken-down old van, and a suitcase full of money combine for some wacky hijinks tonight on Sag!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately, you left visible fingerprints on the ransom note.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A routine speeding ticket turns into a party when you are arrested by America's horniest cops.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your friends disown you and stone you in public when they discover that you've been keeping company with Andrew.

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