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Horoscope for the week of February 25, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your week takes a turn for the worse when your favorite restaurant takes your favorite meal off the menu. Sneak in at night and fill all the salt shakers with arsenic.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your marriage will finally fall apart this week when your spouse, in a fit of pique, takes the cheerleading squad's word over yours.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Dedicate yourself to the vision of poet Herman Hesse, who declared war on cheap, false beauty: Kill every figure skater you can find.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    To your chagrin, you will learn that, despite your large staff of assistants, cellular phone, car fax, and tailored navy-blue Armani suits, you are not yet a complete asshole.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will receive a politely worded form letter from the AARP asking you to help make the world nice and quiet.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though the next few weeks will be a living hell, you will summon the strength to go on the same way you always have: by inflicting endless pain and humiliation upon your family and friends.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If you seize opportunity and play your cards right this week, you will probably still stay in the same dead-end job.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will feel strange and awkward this week when you realize that the little voice in your head is actually just James Earl Jones standing behind you whispering lewd suggestions.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Three nutty friends, three snowboards, a broken-down old van, and a suitcase full of money combine for some wacky hijinks tonight on Sag!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately, you left visible fingerprints on the ransom note.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A routine speeding ticket turns into a party when you are arrested by America's horniest cops.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your friends disown you and stone you in public when they discover that you've been keeping company with Andrew.

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