Horoscope for the week of February 25, 2004

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of February 25, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    God will offer a heartfelt apology to the human race for His insensitivity after creating you, an obvious human-racial caricature.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everybody starts his or her life as a tiny blastula. Thanks to a pair of mad scientists and their temporal-reversal ray, you'll be the first person to end life as one, too.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're starting to suspect that the story of how Mommy and Daddy met actually involved fewer rainbows and unicorns and more booze and Camaros.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everyone worries about what Fate has in store for them, but don't fret. You won't feel a thing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Tom Jones is a born showman and a true professional. He's not going to stop his whole show, even if he does see you in the audience.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your spouse is finally getting tired of your shit. Find some other way to spice things up in the bedroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After a lifetime of trying to be quixotic, you've only achieved a vague sort of windmill-otic quality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This week marks a personal transformation when you're doused in kerosene, set ablaze, and somehow transformed into a beacon of hope and love.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    With railroads continuing their decades-long slide into obsolescence, one would think you'd be responsible for fewer locomotive crashes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You have no concept of time, accountability, or common courtesy, which is only forgivable because you're a pretty house cat.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Well, let that be a lesson to you about going around throwing out bathwater without checking its contents first.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Replacing you with a machine would have been overkill. Your functions are being handled by a hideous piece of public art.