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Horoscope for the week of February 25, 2004

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of February 25, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    God will offer a heartfelt apology to the human race for His insensitivity after creating you, an obvious human-racial caricature.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everybody starts his or her life as a tiny blastula. Thanks to a pair of mad scientists and their temporal-reversal ray, you'll be the first person to end life as one, too.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're starting to suspect that the story of how Mommy and Daddy met actually involved fewer rainbows and unicorns and more booze and Camaros.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everyone worries about what Fate has in store for them, but don't fret. You won't feel a thing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Tom Jones is a born showman and a true professional. He's not going to stop his whole show, even if he does see you in the audience.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your spouse is finally getting tired of your shit. Find some other way to spice things up in the bedroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After a lifetime of trying to be quixotic, you've only achieved a vague sort of windmill-otic quality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This week marks a personal transformation when you're doused in kerosene, set ablaze, and somehow transformed into a beacon of hope and love.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    With railroads continuing their decades-long slide into obsolescence, one would think you'd be responsible for fewer locomotive crashes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You have no concept of time, accountability, or common courtesy, which is only forgivable because you're a pretty house cat.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Well, let that be a lesson to you about going around throwing out bathwater without checking its contents first.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Replacing you with a machine would have been overkill. Your functions are being handled by a hideous piece of public art.

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