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Horoscope for the week of February 25, 2004

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope for the week of February 25, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    God will offer a heartfelt apology to the human race for His insensitivity after creating you, an obvious human-racial caricature.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everybody starts his or her life as a tiny blastula. Thanks to a pair of mad scientists and their temporal-reversal ray, you'll be the first person to end life as one, too.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're starting to suspect that the story of how Mommy and Daddy met actually involved fewer rainbows and unicorns and more booze and Camaros.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everyone worries about what Fate has in store for them, but don't fret. You won't feel a thing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Tom Jones is a born showman and a true professional. He's not going to stop his whole show, even if he does see you in the audience.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your spouse is finally getting tired of your shit. Find some other way to spice things up in the bedroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After a lifetime of trying to be quixotic, you've only achieved a vague sort of windmill-otic quality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This week marks a personal transformation when you're doused in kerosene, set ablaze, and somehow transformed into a beacon of hope and love.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    With railroads continuing their decades-long slide into obsolescence, one would think you'd be responsible for fewer locomotive crashes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You have no concept of time, accountability, or common courtesy, which is only forgivable because you're a pretty house cat.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Well, let that be a lesson to you about going around throwing out bathwater without checking its contents first.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Replacing you with a machine would have been overkill. Your functions are being handled by a hideous piece of public art.

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