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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of February 25, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    God will offer a heartfelt apology to the human race for His insensitivity after creating you, an obvious human-racial caricature.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everybody starts his or her life as a tiny blastula. Thanks to a pair of mad scientists and their temporal-reversal ray, you'll be the first person to end life as one, too.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're starting to suspect that the story of how Mommy and Daddy met actually involved fewer rainbows and unicorns and more booze and Camaros.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everyone worries about what Fate has in store for them, but don't fret. You won't feel a thing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Tom Jones is a born showman and a true professional. He's not going to stop his whole show, even if he does see you in the audience.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your spouse is finally getting tired of your shit. Find some other way to spice things up in the bedroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After a lifetime of trying to be quixotic, you've only achieved a vague sort of windmill-otic quality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This week marks a personal transformation when you're doused in kerosene, set ablaze, and somehow transformed into a beacon of hope and love.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    With railroads continuing their decades-long slide into obsolescence, one would think you'd be responsible for fewer locomotive crashes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You have no concept of time, accountability, or common courtesy, which is only forgivable because you're a pretty house cat.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Well, let that be a lesson to you about going around throwing out bathwater without checking its contents first.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Replacing you with a machine would have been overkill. Your functions are being handled by a hideous piece of public art.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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