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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Horoscope for the week of February 25, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    God will offer a heartfelt apology to the human race for His insensitivity after creating you, an obvious human-racial caricature.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everybody starts his or her life as a tiny blastula. Thanks to a pair of mad scientists and their temporal-reversal ray, you'll be the first person to end life as one, too.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're starting to suspect that the story of how Mommy and Daddy met actually involved fewer rainbows and unicorns and more booze and Camaros.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everyone worries about what Fate has in store for them, but don't fret. You won't feel a thing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Tom Jones is a born showman and a true professional. He's not going to stop his whole show, even if he does see you in the audience.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your spouse is finally getting tired of your shit. Find some other way to spice things up in the bedroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After a lifetime of trying to be quixotic, you've only achieved a vague sort of windmill-otic quality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This week marks a personal transformation when you're doused in kerosene, set ablaze, and somehow transformed into a beacon of hope and love.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    With railroads continuing their decades-long slide into obsolescence, one would think you'd be responsible for fewer locomotive crashes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You have no concept of time, accountability, or common courtesy, which is only forgivable because you're a pretty house cat.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Well, let that be a lesson to you about going around throwing out bathwater without checking its contents first.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Replacing you with a machine would have been overkill. Your functions are being handled by a hideous piece of public art.

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