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Horoscope for the week of February 26, 1997

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Horoscope for the week of February 26, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An old euphemism will come in handy this week when your roommate ingests too much acid, causing him to sit in the living room and throw his shit into an electric fan.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your period of intense mourning for a recently departed loved one continues this week. Next time, remember to over-insure and kill someone you do not like.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A brush with greatness goes sour when you spend an evening drinking tea with literary giant Ernest Hemingway's putrefied corpse.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The ghosts of several great athletes will appear in a vision and send you on a quest: You must spend the rest of your life searching the world for a better-tasting light beer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your excessive greed and horrible small-mindedness are revealed when you slaughter your magic pet goose that lays dimes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be beaten to death by an angry mob of 35- to 50-year-old, middle-class white people when they overhear you declaring your undying hatred of the Beatles.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your decision to save a few dollars by packing a lunch for work every day is met with widespread scorn by your co-workers. However, they must laugh at you in secret, as you are Bill Gates.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your recent money troubles will be a thing of the past when you realize that, coma or no coma, people will pay to have sex with your grandma.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An elite council of intellectuals and great thinkers chooses you from among thousands of applicants to tell Woody Allen to shut up.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your deep, personal belief in the universal order of things is shaken by an incorrect fortune-cookie prediction.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your witty barroom telling of an old joke about an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic will be met with a long, leaden silence.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After being rushed to the emergency room with a massive facial gunshot wound, you are consoled by a nurse who tells you that childbirth is worse.

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