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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

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Horoscope for the week of February 26, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An old euphemism will come in handy this week when your roommate ingests too much acid, causing him to sit in the living room and throw his shit into an electric fan.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your period of intense mourning for a recently departed loved one continues this week. Next time, remember to over-insure and kill someone you do not like.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A brush with greatness goes sour when you spend an evening drinking tea with literary giant Ernest Hemingway's putrefied corpse.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The ghosts of several great athletes will appear in a vision and send you on a quest: You must spend the rest of your life searching the world for a better-tasting light beer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your excessive greed and horrible small-mindedness are revealed when you slaughter your magic pet goose that lays dimes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be beaten to death by an angry mob of 35- to 50-year-old, middle-class white people when they overhear you declaring your undying hatred of the Beatles.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your decision to save a few dollars by packing a lunch for work every day is met with widespread scorn by your co-workers. However, they must laugh at you in secret, as you are Bill Gates.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your recent money troubles will be a thing of the past when you realize that, coma or no coma, people will pay to have sex with your grandma.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An elite council of intellectuals and great thinkers chooses you from among thousands of applicants to tell Woody Allen to shut up.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your deep, personal belief in the universal order of things is shaken by an incorrect fortune-cookie prediction.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your witty barroom telling of an old joke about an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic will be met with a long, leaden silence.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After being rushed to the emergency room with a massive facial gunshot wound, you are consoled by a nurse who tells you that childbirth is worse.
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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