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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

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When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

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Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of February 26, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An old euphemism will come in handy this week when your roommate ingests too much acid, causing him to sit in the living room and throw his shit into an electric fan.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your period of intense mourning for a recently departed loved one continues this week. Next time, remember to over-insure and kill someone you do not like.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A brush with greatness goes sour when you spend an evening drinking tea with literary giant Ernest Hemingway's putrefied corpse.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The ghosts of several great athletes will appear in a vision and send you on a quest: You must spend the rest of your life searching the world for a better-tasting light beer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your excessive greed and horrible small-mindedness are revealed when you slaughter your magic pet goose that lays dimes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be beaten to death by an angry mob of 35- to 50-year-old, middle-class white people when they overhear you declaring your undying hatred of the Beatles.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your decision to save a few dollars by packing a lunch for work every day is met with widespread scorn by your co-workers. However, they must laugh at you in secret, as you are Bill Gates.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your recent money troubles will be a thing of the past when you realize that, coma or no coma, people will pay to have sex with your grandma.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An elite council of intellectuals and great thinkers chooses you from among thousands of applicants to tell Woody Allen to shut up.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your deep, personal belief in the universal order of things is shaken by an incorrect fortune-cookie prediction.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your witty barroom telling of an old joke about an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic will be met with a long, leaden silence.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After being rushed to the emergency room with a massive facial gunshot wound, you are consoled by a nurse who tells you that childbirth is worse.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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