Horoscope for the week of February 26, 2003

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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of February 26, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You have thoroughly wasted your potential over the past five years--years you could have spent deep-frying professionally.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A fast-talking huckster sells you the Brooklyn Bridge for \$93.8 million, but it turns out it's all perfectly legal.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The ladies won't be able to keep their hands off you this week, thanks to a sharp new look consisting of tailored suits made from bubble wrap.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will experience a surge in popularity when talk-show host Wayne Brady publicly declares you his personal nemesis.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will finally grow mature enough to accept your own mortality, just moments before the freak elephant stampede.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The community's response to your drunken riding-mower accident will start a hilarious national trend in roadside memorial art.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be mentioned several times in Jack Palance's explanation of why he no longer does one-handed push-ups in public.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You are renowned for your kind and loving nature, thanks mainly to a crack PR team.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The increased precipitation in your area continues, thanks largely to that little black storm cloud that follows you everywhere.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's been quite a while since the stars mentioned the nurses chained up in your basement, but don't worry: They haven't forgotten they're down there.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The dying celebrity-boxing fad is revitalized when Ellen Cleghorne announces she's ready and willing to go 12 rounds with you.


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