Aries | March 21 to April 19
You have thoroughly wasted your potential over the past five years--years you could have spent deep-frying professionally.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A fast-talking huckster sells you the Brooklyn Bridge for \$93.8 million, but it turns out it's all perfectly legal.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The ladies won't be able to keep their hands off you this week, thanks to a sharp new look consisting of tailored suits made from bubble wrap.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will experience a surge in popularity when talk-show host Wayne Brady publicly declares you his personal nemesis.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will finally grow mature enough to accept your own mortality, just moments before the freak elephant stampede.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The community's response to your drunken riding-mower accident will start a hilarious national trend in roadside memorial art.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be mentioned several times in Jack Palance's explanation of why he no longer does one-handed push-ups in public.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You are renowned for your kind and loving nature, thanks mainly to a crack PR team.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The increased precipitation in your area continues, thanks largely to that little black storm cloud that follows you everywhere.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It's been quite a while since the stars mentioned the nurses chained up in your basement, but don't worry: They haven't forgotten they're down there.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The dying celebrity-boxing fad is revitalized when Ellen Cleghorne announces she's ready and willing to go 12 rounds with you.
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