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Horoscope for the week of February 26, 2003

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.
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Horoscope for the week of February 26, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You have thoroughly wasted your potential over the past five years--years you could have spent deep-frying professionally.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A fast-talking huckster sells you the Brooklyn Bridge for \$93.8 million, but it turns out it's all perfectly legal.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The ladies won't be able to keep their hands off you this week, thanks to a sharp new look consisting of tailored suits made from bubble wrap.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will experience a surge in popularity when talk-show host Wayne Brady publicly declares you his personal nemesis.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will finally grow mature enough to accept your own mortality, just moments before the freak elephant stampede.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The community's response to your drunken riding-mower accident will start a hilarious national trend in roadside memorial art.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be mentioned several times in Jack Palance's explanation of why he no longer does one-handed push-ups in public.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You are renowned for your kind and loving nature, thanks mainly to a crack PR team.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The increased precipitation in your area continues, thanks largely to that little black storm cloud that follows you everywhere.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's been quite a while since the stars mentioned the nurses chained up in your basement, but don't worry: They haven't forgotten they're down there.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The dying celebrity-boxing fad is revitalized when Ellen Cleghorne announces she's ready and willing to go 12 rounds with you.

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