Horoscope for the week of February 26, 2003

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of February 26, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You have thoroughly wasted your potential over the past five years--years you could have spent deep-frying professionally.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A fast-talking huckster sells you the Brooklyn Bridge for \$93.8 million, but it turns out it's all perfectly legal.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The ladies won't be able to keep their hands off you this week, thanks to a sharp new look consisting of tailored suits made from bubble wrap.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will experience a surge in popularity when talk-show host Wayne Brady publicly declares you his personal nemesis.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will finally grow mature enough to accept your own mortality, just moments before the freak elephant stampede.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The community's response to your drunken riding-mower accident will start a hilarious national trend in roadside memorial art.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be mentioned several times in Jack Palance's explanation of why he no longer does one-handed push-ups in public.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You are renowned for your kind and loving nature, thanks mainly to a crack PR team.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The increased precipitation in your area continues, thanks largely to that little black storm cloud that follows you everywhere.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's been quite a while since the stars mentioned the nurses chained up in your basement, but don't worry: They haven't forgotten they're down there.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The dying celebrity-boxing fad is revitalized when Ellen Cleghorne announces she's ready and willing to go 12 rounds with you.