adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of February 27, 2002

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Horoscope for the week of February 27, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, envy rears its ugly head, realizes there's nothing enviable about you, blinks a couple times, and goes back to sleep.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    One of your biggest problems is your inability to take life as it comes. Another is your ongoing inability to take your own life.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You have always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, which makes it all the more amusing when your pants fall down anyway.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You have as bright a future in the area of romance as in just about any other area, as far as that goes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There are thousands of types of people in the world: The type that divides the world up into two types of people, and the thousands of other types.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you believe otherwise, it is not healthy to prefer the novels of Henry James to actual human contact.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your fascination with monkeys is so well known that it makes the selection of an unbiased jury nearly impossible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your conviction that there is a monster under the bed would be a mere eccentricity if you weren't so heavily armed and it was your own bed.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your bladder-control problems are a thing of the past when you find yourself able to consistently hit a two-inch target at 100 yards.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will finally accept responsibility for your infant daughter. With any luck, she's still where you left her last month.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A person can only hide behind one's virginity for so long. Even if, as in your case, it is a particularly harsh and forbidding virginity.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your money problems will worsen this week when the other prisoners start trading you for fewer cigarettes than usual.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close