Horoscope for the week of February 27, 2002

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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 27, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, envy rears its ugly head, realizes there's nothing enviable about you, blinks a couple times, and goes back to sleep.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    One of your biggest problems is your inability to take life as it comes. Another is your ongoing inability to take your own life.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You have always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, which makes it all the more amusing when your pants fall down anyway.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You have as bright a future in the area of romance as in just about any other area, as far as that goes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There are thousands of types of people in the world: The type that divides the world up into two types of people, and the thousands of other types.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you believe otherwise, it is not healthy to prefer the novels of Henry James to actual human contact.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your fascination with monkeys is so well known that it makes the selection of an unbiased jury nearly impossible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your conviction that there is a monster under the bed would be a mere eccentricity if you weren't so heavily armed and it was your own bed.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your bladder-control problems are a thing of the past when you find yourself able to consistently hit a two-inch target at 100 yards.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will finally accept responsibility for your infant daughter. With any luck, she's still where you left her last month.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A person can only hide behind one's virginity for so long. Even if, as in your case, it is a particularly harsh and forbidding virginity.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your money problems will worsen this week when the other prisoners start trading you for fewer cigarettes than usual.
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