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Horoscope for the week of February 27, 2002

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New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of February 27, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, envy rears its ugly head, realizes there's nothing enviable about you, blinks a couple times, and goes back to sleep.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    One of your biggest problems is your inability to take life as it comes. Another is your ongoing inability to take your own life.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You have always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, which makes it all the more amusing when your pants fall down anyway.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You have as bright a future in the area of romance as in just about any other area, as far as that goes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There are thousands of types of people in the world: The type that divides the world up into two types of people, and the thousands of other types.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you believe otherwise, it is not healthy to prefer the novels of Henry James to actual human contact.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your fascination with monkeys is so well known that it makes the selection of an unbiased jury nearly impossible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your conviction that there is a monster under the bed would be a mere eccentricity if you weren't so heavily armed and it was your own bed.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your bladder-control problems are a thing of the past when you find yourself able to consistently hit a two-inch target at 100 yards.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will finally accept responsibility for your infant daughter. With any luck, she's still where you left her last month.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A person can only hide behind one's virginity for so long. Even if, as in your case, it is a particularly harsh and forbidding virginity.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your money problems will worsen this week when the other prisoners start trading you for fewer cigarettes than usual.

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