Horoscope for the week of February 27, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 07

Genetically Modified Broccoli Shrieks Benefits At Shopper

BREMERTON, WA— A head of genetically modified broccoli shrieked its numerous benefits at shoppers Monday in a Seattle-area Safeway. "I contain 40 percent more vitamin A than non-modified broccoli!" the head screeched at terrified produce-aisle customers. "I can fight off insects and disease without the use of pesticides!" Monsanto, makers of the vegetable, stressed that genetic-modification technology is still in its infancy, and that more pleasantly voiced broccoli should hit store shelves by 2003.

Parents' Password Cracked On First Try

REDONDO BEACH, CA— Nick Berrigan, 14, successfully hacked into his parents' AOL account on the first try Tuesday, correctly guessing that "Digby" was their password. "They actually used the dog's name," said Berrigan, deactivating the parental controls on his AOL account. "They don't give me much credit, do they?" Experts advise parents to secure Internet accounts with any password besides the name of a family pet.

Upset Woman Forced To Re-Sigh Louder

MCKEESPORT, PA— Failing to elicit sympathy or concern with her first attempt, Staffing Solutions office manager Connie Lindel was forced to re-sigh louder and more plaintively Monday. "Well, I guess I'll just turn off everyone else's lights at the end of the day myself," Lindel, 33, told coworkers before letting out a second, longer sigh. "Oh, well." Lindel, who was unable to elicit any measure of sympathy with the follow-up sigh, is expected to try again Thursday with her arms folded and significantly more resignation in her voice.

$5 Million Bounty Placed On Recession

WASHINGTON, DC— A determined President Bush posted a $5 million bounty on the nation's economic downturn Monday. "This recession may run its course, but it cannot hide," Bush said. "We will find you, and we will end you." Bush is also offering a $2 million reward for information leading to an increase in durable-goods orders in the second quarter.

Lee Greenwood Urges U.S. To Take Military Action Against Iraq

NASHVILLE, TN— With sales of "God Bless The U.S.A." waning after a five-month surge, country singer Lee Greenwood urged the U.S. to take military action against Iraq Monday. "Saddam Hussein is a despot with strong ties to terrorism, and his regime must be toppled," Greenwood said. "Unfortunately, our best chance of doing so is to send brave young American soldiers into dangerous, emotionally stirring combat situations." Greenwood added that he would probably be willing to perform his signature hit for the troops during a live CBS special if asked.

I Almost Lost It All

Hola, amigos. What say? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but your old pal Jim's been thicker than a donkey's dick with problems.

The Cigarette Tax

Twenty-two states are considering raising cigarette taxes to generate extra revenue, and in New York City, the cost of a pack may reach $7. What do you think?

The New Sesame Street

For its 33rd season, which began last month, Sesame Street has been given its biggest overhaul ever. Among the changes:
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 27, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    This week, envy rears its ugly head, realizes there's nothing enviable about you, blinks a couple times, and goes back to sleep.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    One of your biggest problems is your inability to take life as it comes. Another is your ongoing inability to take your own life.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You have always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, which makes it all the more amusing when your pants fall down anyway.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You have as bright a future in the area of romance as in just about any other area, as far as that goes.
  • Leo

    Leo

    There are thousands of types of people in the world: The type that divides the world up into two types of people, and the thousands of other types.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Though you believe otherwise, it is not healthy to prefer the novels of Henry James to actual human contact.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your fascination with monkeys is so well known that it makes the selection of an unbiased jury nearly impossible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your conviction that there is a monster under the bed would be a mere eccentricity if you weren't so heavily armed and it was your own bed.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your bladder-control problems are a thing of the past when you find yourself able to consistently hit a two-inch target at 100 yards.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will finally accept responsibility for your infant daughter. With any luck, she's still where you left her last month.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A person can only hide behind one's virginity for so long. Even if, as in your case, it is a particularly harsh and forbidding virginity.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your money problems will worsen this week when the other prisoners start trading you for fewer cigarettes than usual.
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