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Horoscope for the week of February 27, 2002

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of February 27, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, envy rears its ugly head, realizes there's nothing enviable about you, blinks a couple times, and goes back to sleep.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    One of your biggest problems is your inability to take life as it comes. Another is your ongoing inability to take your own life.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You have always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, which makes it all the more amusing when your pants fall down anyway.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You have as bright a future in the area of romance as in just about any other area, as far as that goes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There are thousands of types of people in the world: The type that divides the world up into two types of people, and the thousands of other types.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you believe otherwise, it is not healthy to prefer the novels of Henry James to actual human contact.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your fascination with monkeys is so well known that it makes the selection of an unbiased jury nearly impossible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your conviction that there is a monster under the bed would be a mere eccentricity if you weren't so heavily armed and it was your own bed.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your bladder-control problems are a thing of the past when you find yourself able to consistently hit a two-inch target at 100 yards.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will finally accept responsibility for your infant daughter. With any luck, she's still where you left her last month.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A person can only hide behind one's virginity for so long. Even if, as in your case, it is a particularly harsh and forbidding virginity.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your money problems will worsen this week when the other prisoners start trading you for fewer cigarettes than usual.

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