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Horoscope for the week of February 28, 2001

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of February 28, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be surprised to learn that even refrigerators can burn if they manage to get hot enough.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always thought the difference between you and other people was your uncommon empathy, but it turns out it's the tentacles.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your insistence on wearing a helmet every time you ride your bike turns out to be smart in light of your wishes for an open-casket funeral.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You knew that the veins in the human body, stretched end-to-end, would reach from L.A. to Tokyo, but it's still impressive to see it firsthand.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will learn from bitter experience that it's not a good idea to ask certain people how they're doing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have your name immortalized for future generations on a fancy plaque after perishing in next Sunday's O'Hare Airport disaster.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though New York still refuses to award you the keys to the city, the citizens of Cleveland have seen fit to tell you their locker combination.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You have blossomed following a period of unprecedented spiritual and emotional growth. Now, however, it is time for a lot of injudicious pruning.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've listened to it over and over, but you still fail to see how Frampton is supposed to "come alive."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your irrational fear of doctors will finally disappear this week and be replaced by a very rational, justified fear of them.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will wish you had heeded your mother's warnings concerning pickle consumption when you suddenly turn into one of the briny cucumbers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're beginning to think that, though it seemed satisfying at the time, perhaps voting for Nader was not the most politically astute thing you've done.

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