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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of February 28, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be surprised to learn that even refrigerators can burn if they manage to get hot enough.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always thought the difference between you and other people was your uncommon empathy, but it turns out it's the tentacles.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your insistence on wearing a helmet every time you ride your bike turns out to be smart in light of your wishes for an open-casket funeral.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You knew that the veins in the human body, stretched end-to-end, would reach from L.A. to Tokyo, but it's still impressive to see it firsthand.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will learn from bitter experience that it's not a good idea to ask certain people how they're doing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have your name immortalized for future generations on a fancy plaque after perishing in next Sunday's O'Hare Airport disaster.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though New York still refuses to award you the keys to the city, the citizens of Cleveland have seen fit to tell you their locker combination.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You have blossomed following a period of unprecedented spiritual and emotional growth. Now, however, it is time for a lot of injudicious pruning.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've listened to it over and over, but you still fail to see how Frampton is supposed to "come alive."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your irrational fear of doctors will finally disappear this week and be replaced by a very rational, justified fear of them.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will wish you had heeded your mother's warnings concerning pickle consumption when you suddenly turn into one of the briny cucumbers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're beginning to think that, though it seemed satisfying at the time, perhaps voting for Nader was not the most politically astute thing you've done.

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