Horoscope for the week of February 28, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 07

Menu Describes Diner's Pancakes As 'World Famous'

FT. COLLINS, CO– A laminated paper menu for Smitty's Diner on Hwy. 32 describes the eatery's pancakes as "world famous," patron Annette Larouche discovered Monday. "Well, I guess I've been hiding under a rock," Larouche said. "I can't believe I made it this far in life without hearing of Smitty's World Famous Pancakes. Apparently, this is something people throughout Europe and Asia know all about." The menu also praised the eatery for "The Best Apple Pie Ever To Touch The Lips Of A Mortal."

Architect Asks Self How Le Corbusier Would Have Designed This Strip Mall

TOPEKA, KS– Architect Curtis Winter, designer of the planned Fox Plaza strip mall in downtown Topeka, found himself wondering Monday how influential 20th-century Swiss architect Le Corbusier would have approached the retail center. "I could imagine Le Corbusier using more sculptural roof-lines on the Play It Again Sports," Winter said. "And I could see the FuncoLand making a stronger impression from afar and evoking a modernized classicism if it were raised up on stilts." Winter previously made headlines for a laundromat that echoed the abstract geometric designs of I.M.Pei.

6-Year-Old Cries When Told MTM Productions Kitten Dead By Now

RYE, NY– Following a WKRP In Cincinnati rerun Monday, 6-year-old Megan Connor was devastated to learn that the mewling orange kitten in the MTM Productions logo has almost certainly been dead for years. "All I said was that that kitten was around back when I was a kid, so it probably died 15 or 20 years ago," said father Bruce Connor, 39. "Now she won't come out of her room." Megan's parents plan to forbid Megan from watching Family Ties reruns for fear of having to explain the whereabouts of Ubu.

Bankrupt Dot-Com Proud To Have Briefly Changed The Way People Buy Cheese Graters

SAN FRANCISCO– Egraters.com, an Internet retailer that filed for Chapter 11 last week, announced on its homepage Monday that it is proud to have briefly made people rethink the way they buy cheese graters. "Unfortunately, we were not able to see our revolution all the way through," read the message from CEO Jeff Bell, 29. "But for a brief, shining moment, we showed the world that there is a better way to buy graters." Bell said he hopes to one day relaunch Egraters.com and "smash the tyranny of traditional brick-and-mortar cheese-grater-tailing."

The Puff Daddy Trial

Rapper Sean "Puffy" Combs is on trial for illegal gun possession and bribery stemming from a 1999 shooting at a Manhattan nightclub. What do you think?

A Spy At The FBI

For 15 years, FBI agent Hanssen sold sensitive U.S. secrets to Moscow. Among the information he divulged over the years:

A Homey In Need

All y'all disciples of tha H-Dog know that The Man always be tryin' to playa-hate on tha Accountz Reeceevable bruthahood, 24-7. On any given day in tha office park what contain Midstate Office Supply, tha 5-0 be bustin' some A.R. bruthah on some trumped-up charge, like jaywalkin' or findin' a ounce or two of correction fluid on his person an' claimin' he wuzn't usin' it for no correctin'. That shit don't never happen to no Accountz Payabo muthafuckas, 'cause they got all tha dead prez an' can bribe tha pigs so they look tha other way. A.R. bruthahs ain't got nothin' but debits, an' they thankful if they just balance at tha end of tha goddamn day.

I Have Expensive Taste In Trucks

Call me stuck-up. Call me a snob. That's fine with me. Because what you call snobbery, I call refusing to settle for anything less than the best. Yes, for me, nothing but the finest trucks will do.
End Of Section
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 28, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will be surprised to learn that even refrigerators can burn if they manage to get hot enough.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You've always thought the difference between you and other people was your uncommon empathy, but it turns out it's the tentacles.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your insistence on wearing a helmet every time you ride your bike turns out to be smart in light of your wishes for an open-casket funeral.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You knew that the veins in the human body, stretched end-to-end, would reach from L.A. to Tokyo, but it's still impressive to see it firsthand.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will learn from bitter experience that it's not a good idea to ask certain people how they're doing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will have your name immortalized for future generations on a fancy plaque after perishing in next Sunday's O'Hare Airport disaster.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Though New York still refuses to award you the keys to the city, the citizens of Cleveland have seen fit to tell you their locker combination.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You have blossomed following a period of unprecedented spiritual and emotional growth. Now, however, it is time for a lot of injudicious pruning.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You've listened to it over and over, but you still fail to see how Frampton is supposed to "come alive."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your irrational fear of doctors will finally disappear this week and be replaced by a very rational, justified fear of them.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will wish you had heeded your mother's warnings concerning pickle consumption when you suddenly turn into one of the briny cucumbers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You're beginning to think that, though it seemed satisfying at the time, perhaps voting for Nader was not the most politically astute thing you've done.
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