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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of February 28, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be surprised to learn that even refrigerators can burn if they manage to get hot enough.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always thought the difference between you and other people was your uncommon empathy, but it turns out it's the tentacles.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your insistence on wearing a helmet every time you ride your bike turns out to be smart in light of your wishes for an open-casket funeral.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You knew that the veins in the human body, stretched end-to-end, would reach from L.A. to Tokyo, but it's still impressive to see it firsthand.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will learn from bitter experience that it's not a good idea to ask certain people how they're doing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have your name immortalized for future generations on a fancy plaque after perishing in next Sunday's O'Hare Airport disaster.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though New York still refuses to award you the keys to the city, the citizens of Cleveland have seen fit to tell you their locker combination.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You have blossomed following a period of unprecedented spiritual and emotional growth. Now, however, it is time for a lot of injudicious pruning.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've listened to it over and over, but you still fail to see how Frampton is supposed to "come alive."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your irrational fear of doctors will finally disappear this week and be replaced by a very rational, justified fear of them.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will wish you had heeded your mother's warnings concerning pickle consumption when you suddenly turn into one of the briny cucumbers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're beginning to think that, though it seemed satisfying at the time, perhaps voting for Nader was not the most politically astute thing you've done.

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