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Horoscope for the week of February 28, 2001

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of February 28, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be surprised to learn that even refrigerators can burn if they manage to get hot enough.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always thought the difference between you and other people was your uncommon empathy, but it turns out it's the tentacles.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your insistence on wearing a helmet every time you ride your bike turns out to be smart in light of your wishes for an open-casket funeral.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You knew that the veins in the human body, stretched end-to-end, would reach from L.A. to Tokyo, but it's still impressive to see it firsthand.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will learn from bitter experience that it's not a good idea to ask certain people how they're doing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have your name immortalized for future generations on a fancy plaque after perishing in next Sunday's O'Hare Airport disaster.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though New York still refuses to award you the keys to the city, the citizens of Cleveland have seen fit to tell you their locker combination.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You have blossomed following a period of unprecedented spiritual and emotional growth. Now, however, it is time for a lot of injudicious pruning.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've listened to it over and over, but you still fail to see how Frampton is supposed to "come alive."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your irrational fear of doctors will finally disappear this week and be replaced by a very rational, justified fear of them.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will wish you had heeded your mother's warnings concerning pickle consumption when you suddenly turn into one of the briny cucumbers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're beginning to think that, though it seemed satisfying at the time, perhaps voting for Nader was not the most politically astute thing you've done.

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