Horoscope for the week of February 28, 2012

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Horoscope for the week of February 28, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've been feeling bad about wasting your life, but there's really nothing useful you could have done with it, anyway.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The inexplicable rain that always pours from underneath your umbrella will finally stop, moments before your derby hat catches fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You know those guys in Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert? The stars think those guys must be, like, gay.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your weekly visit to the cemetery goes bad when you tell your problems to your mom's grave just as the sarcastic zombies begin to rise.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The search for meaning in life is a worthy pursuit, but the search for meaning in your particular life is a real waste of time.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It turns out Jean-Baptiste Lamarck, who classified the clouds, named the cold, fat, puffy little damp ones after you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The engineering principles behind the suspension bridge make it possible for you to plummet from a great height into extremely deep water this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will continue to honor the great American democratic tradition of blindly trusting and obeying those you deem superior to yourself.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    True to your mediocre nature, you will soon be confronted with a difficult choice between the Homely Lady and the Passive, Undersized Tiger.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    For the last time, that's not "ball lightning." It's a form of static electricity unique to your unusually hirsute groin.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your new pheromone-based scent will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're starting to think that if men had been meant to swim through solid rock as if it were water, they would have been born with fulminating lava ducts.
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