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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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Horoscope for the week of February 28, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've been feeling bad about wasting your life, but there's really nothing useful you could have done with it, anyway.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The inexplicable rain that always pours from underneath your umbrella will finally stop, moments before your derby hat catches fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You know those guys in Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert? The stars think those guys must be, like, gay.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your weekly visit to the cemetery goes bad when you tell your problems to your mom's grave just as the sarcastic zombies begin to rise.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The search for meaning in life is a worthy pursuit, but the search for meaning in your particular life is a real waste of time.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It turns out Jean-Baptiste Lamarck, who classified the clouds, named the cold, fat, puffy little damp ones after you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The engineering principles behind the suspension bridge make it possible for you to plummet from a great height into extremely deep water this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will continue to honor the great American democratic tradition of blindly trusting and obeying those you deem superior to yourself.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    True to your mediocre nature, you will soon be confronted with a difficult choice between the Homely Lady and the Passive, Undersized Tiger.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    For the last time, that's not "ball lightning." It's a form of static electricity unique to your unusually hirsute groin.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your new pheromone-based scent will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're starting to think that if men had been meant to swim through solid rock as if it were water, they would have been born with fulminating lava ducts.
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