Horoscope for the week of February 28, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 09

Danica Patrick

She's one of sports' single-name stars, but even after her first Daytona 500 start, Danica is more well-known for her endorsements than her performance.

World's Youngest Person Born

Meth addicts demand the government address the nation's growing spider menace, K-Y introduces a new line of jam, and Prince Fielder reports to spring training exactly the right amount overweight.

Washed-Up Air Bud Signs With Greek Pro Team

RHODES, GREECE—Ignoring critics’ calls for the aging golden retriever's retirement, basketball standout and multisport athlete Air "Bud" Buddy has signed a one-year contract for an undisclosed amount with Kolossos Rodou B.C., a mid-l...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Small Business

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Horoscope for the week of February 28, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    You've been feeling bad about wasting your life, but there's really nothing useful you could have done with it, anyway.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The inexplicable rain that always pours from underneath your umbrella will finally stop, moments before your derby hat catches fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You know those guys in Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert? The stars think those guys must be, like, gay.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your weekly visit to the cemetery goes bad when you tell your problems to your mom's grave just as the sarcastic zombies begin to rise.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The search for meaning in life is a worthy pursuit, but the search for meaning in your particular life is a real waste of time.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It turns out Jean-Baptiste Lamarck, who classified the clouds, named the cold, fat, puffy little damp ones after you.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The engineering principles behind the suspension bridge make it possible for you to plummet from a great height into extremely deep water this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will continue to honor the great American democratic tradition of blindly trusting and obeying those you deem superior to yourself.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    True to your mediocre nature, you will soon be confronted with a difficult choice between the Homely Lady and the Passive, Undersized Tiger.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    For the last time, that's not "ball lightning." It's a form of static electricity unique to your unusually hirsute groin.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your new pheromone-based scent will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You're starting to think that if men had been meant to swim through solid rock as if it were water, they would have been born with fulminating lava ducts.
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