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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Horoscope for the week of February 28, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've been feeling bad about wasting your life, but there's really nothing useful you could have done with it, anyway.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The inexplicable rain that always pours from underneath your umbrella will finally stop, moments before your derby hat catches fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You know those guys in Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert? The stars think those guys must be, like, gay.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your weekly visit to the cemetery goes bad when you tell your problems to your mom's grave just as the sarcastic zombies begin to rise.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The search for meaning in life is a worthy pursuit, but the search for meaning in your particular life is a real waste of time.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It turns out Jean-Baptiste Lamarck, who classified the clouds, named the cold, fat, puffy little damp ones after you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The engineering principles behind the suspension bridge make it possible for you to plummet from a great height into extremely deep water this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will continue to honor the great American democratic tradition of blindly trusting and obeying those you deem superior to yourself.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    True to your mediocre nature, you will soon be confronted with a difficult choice between the Homely Lady and the Passive, Undersized Tiger.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    For the last time, that's not "ball lightning." It's a form of static electricity unique to your unusually hirsute groin.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your new pheromone-based scent will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're starting to think that if men had been meant to swim through solid rock as if it were water, they would have been born with fulminating lava ducts.

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