Horoscope for the week of February 3, 1998

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Recent News

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of February 3, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will finally reach an agreement with Satan and receive a four-piece chicken dinner with two sides in exchange for your immortal soul.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your death by electric chair will be stopped at the last minute by an urgent phone call from the governor, who wants to hear the cool screaming and frying sounds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A loving Libra will fill your life with caring, respect, and heartfelt compassion. Tell him or her that Geminis and Libras are not compatible.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will be thrown into chaos when forces beyond your control trap you in Baraboo, Wisconsin, home of the nationally renowned Circus World Museum.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Shortly after your death, you will be confronted by a pair of muscular angels who strongly advise you not to head into the warm white light.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fire and earth magicks are strong in Virgo this week. An annoying in-law will soon present you with the unwanted gift of a kitschy lava lamp.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be fired from your job when your boss loses his patience with your friend Roger, who always seems to be hanging around with you at work.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that superstition and ignorance lie behind your belief in little green men from outer space. Heed their celestial words.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Saturn in your sign indicates that it is Savings And Sale-A-Bration Month down at your friendly neighborhood Saturn dealer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You begin to detect a cosmic pattern in your life when TNT shows three Robert Mitchum movies in a row.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your family has long been divided by arguments and petty quarrels, but they will all make amends at your funeral.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.