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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of February 3, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will finally reach an agreement with Satan and receive a four-piece chicken dinner with two sides in exchange for your immortal soul.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your death by electric chair will be stopped at the last minute by an urgent phone call from the governor, who wants to hear the cool screaming and frying sounds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A loving Libra will fill your life with caring, respect, and heartfelt compassion. Tell him or her that Geminis and Libras are not compatible.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will be thrown into chaos when forces beyond your control trap you in Baraboo, Wisconsin, home of the nationally renowned Circus World Museum.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Shortly after your death, you will be confronted by a pair of muscular angels who strongly advise you not to head into the warm white light.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fire and earth magicks are strong in Virgo this week. An annoying in-law will soon present you with the unwanted gift of a kitschy lava lamp.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be fired from your job when your boss loses his patience with your friend Roger, who always seems to be hanging around with you at work.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that superstition and ignorance lie behind your belief in little green men from outer space. Heed their celestial words.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Saturn in your sign indicates that it is Savings And Sale-A-Bration Month down at your friendly neighborhood Saturn dealer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You begin to detect a cosmic pattern in your life when TNT shows three Robert Mitchum movies in a row.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your family has long been divided by arguments and petty quarrels, but they will all make amends at your funeral.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.

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