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Horoscope for the week of February 3, 1998

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Horoscope for the week of February 3, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will finally reach an agreement with Satan and receive a four-piece chicken dinner with two sides in exchange for your immortal soul.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your death by electric chair will be stopped at the last minute by an urgent phone call from the governor, who wants to hear the cool screaming and frying sounds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A loving Libra will fill your life with caring, respect, and heartfelt compassion. Tell him or her that Geminis and Libras are not compatible.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will be thrown into chaos when forces beyond your control trap you in Baraboo, Wisconsin, home of the nationally renowned Circus World Museum.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Shortly after your death, you will be confronted by a pair of muscular angels who strongly advise you not to head into the warm white light.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fire and earth magicks are strong in Virgo this week. An annoying in-law will soon present you with the unwanted gift of a kitschy lava lamp.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be fired from your job when your boss loses his patience with your friend Roger, who always seems to be hanging around with you at work.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that superstition and ignorance lie behind your belief in little green men from outer space. Heed their celestial words.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Saturn in your sign indicates that it is Savings And Sale-A-Bration Month down at your friendly neighborhood Saturn dealer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You begin to detect a cosmic pattern in your life when TNT shows three Robert Mitchum movies in a row.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your family has long been divided by arguments and petty quarrels, but they will all make amends at your funeral.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.

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