Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will finally reach an agreement with Satan and receive a four-piece chicken dinner with two sides in exchange for your immortal soul.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your death by electric chair will be stopped at the last minute by an urgent phone call from the governor, who wants to hear the cool screaming and frying sounds.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A loving Libra will fill your life with caring, respect, and heartfelt compassion. Tell him or her that Geminis and Libras are not compatible.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your life will be thrown into chaos when forces beyond your control trap you in Baraboo, Wisconsin, home of the nationally renowned Circus World Museum.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Shortly after your death, you will be confronted by a pair of muscular angels who strongly advise you not to head into the warm white light.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Fire and earth magicks are strong in Virgo this week. An annoying in-law will soon present you with the unwanted gift of a kitschy lava lamp.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be fired from your job when your boss loses his patience with your friend Roger, who always seems to be hanging around with you at work.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars indicate that superstition and ignorance lie behind your belief in little green men from outer space. Heed their celestial words.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Saturn in your sign indicates that it is Savings And Sale-A-Bration Month down at your friendly neighborhood Saturn dealer.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You begin to detect a cosmic pattern in your life when TNT shows three Robert Mitchum movies in a row.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your family has long been divided by arguments and petty quarrels, but they will all make amends at your funeral.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.
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