Horoscope for the week of February 3, 1998

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Vol 33 Issue 04

Zapp Institute Adjusts Bounce/Ounce Ratio

LOS ANGELES—Alarmed by the sharp decline in overall U.S. rump-shaking levels in the past 12 months, Zapp Institute director Dr. Roger Troutman announced Monday that the federal bounce/ounce ratio will be raised to four-to-one effective March 1. "The American people can not adequately get down if they do not receive more bounce to the ounce," Troutman said. "Hopefully, by increasing per capita BPOs, or bounces-per-ounce, to four-to-one, the Zapp Institute will help Americans to once again get their groove on."

Psychic-Phone-Line Customer Used To Be Closed-Minded Just Like Her Friends

DETROIT—Detroit-area receptionist Nadine Jackson announced Monday that, after years of being closed-minded like her friends, she has finally come to realize that the Caring Psychic Family Network is an amazing psychic service that really works. "Now listen here, honey," said Jackson, swaying her head from side-to-side in a sassy, authoritative manner, "I used to be skeptical about 1-900 hotlines just like my friends. But let me tell you, the Caring Psychic Family Network is different. Their expert psychics' predictions really work!" Jackson said she will pray each night for the souls of her misguided, non-believing friends.

Last Remaining Novelist Dies In Captivity

COLUMBUS, OH—Cultural zoologists are mourning the extinction of a species following Monday’s passing of novelist John Updike. The last living novelist, Updike died in his cage at the Columbus Zoo. "We will greatly miss Mr. Updike, to whom many of our trainers and feeders grew very attached," zoo director Cheryl Berner said. "Columbus Zoo visitors of all ages loved to watch him hunch over his typewriter, furiously pressing the little keys." Berner said the zoo had tried for several years to mate Updike—known for his long fictional books called "novels" (KNAW-vuls)—with female ad-copy writers, cartoonists and screenwriters, but were unsuccessful. "At one point, we tried to procure a sperm sample from Mr. Updike to inseminate People magazine managing editor Jane Lowery, but he became enraged and violent when approached,” Berner said.

Abortion Issue ‘Most Critical Of Our Time,’ Say Tobacco-Industry Executives

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—At its quarterly meeting Wednesday, the National Association of Tobacco Growers declared abortion "the most critical issue of our time," resolving to significantly increase public awareness and discussion of it. "There are many controversial issues in America, but none more controversial than abortion," NATG president Buddy Ott said. "It is a highly volatile, complex issue and, as such, it deserves a tremendous amount of attention and scrutiny from the American public and media."

Swiss Threaten Ricola Embargo

BERN, SWITZERLAND—Angered by rising international tariffs against his nation, Swiss president Gunter Klima threatened a worldwide Ricola embargo Tuesday. "If these unfair tariffs are not lifted," Klima said, "we will have no choice but to withhold our natural Alpine-herb throat lozenges, causing billions of throats across the globe to go tragically unsoothed." An estimated 2.1 billion people rely on Swiss menthol for their throat-calming needs.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 3, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will finally reach an agreement with Satan and receive a four-piece chicken dinner with two sides in exchange for your immortal soul.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your death by electric chair will be stopped at the last minute by an urgent phone call from the governor, who wants to hear the cool screaming and frying sounds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A loving Libra will fill your life with caring, respect, and heartfelt compassion. Tell him or her that Geminis and Libras are not compatible.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your life will be thrown into chaos when forces beyond your control trap you in Baraboo, Wisconsin, home of the nationally renowned Circus World Museum.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Shortly after your death, you will be confronted by a pair of muscular angels who strongly advise you not to head into the warm white light.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Fire and earth magicks are strong in Virgo this week. An annoying in-law will soon present you with the unwanted gift of a kitschy lava lamp.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will be fired from your job when your boss loses his patience with your friend Roger, who always seems to be hanging around with you at work.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars indicate that superstition and ignorance lie behind your belief in little green men from outer space. Heed their celestial words.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Saturn in your sign indicates that it is Savings And Sale-A-Bration Month down at your friendly neighborhood Saturn dealer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You begin to detect a cosmic pattern in your life when TNT shows three Robert Mitchum movies in a row.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your family has long been divided by arguments and petty quarrels, but they will all make amends at your funeral.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.
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