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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Horoscope for the week of February 3, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In a fit of pique, you foolishly ignore the advice of a good friend and find yourself in possession of hundreds of worthless wooden nickels.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your cosmic life-force is inextricably tied to the current swing craze. At the cost of your life, do not let this trend die out.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be cool and calm through Wednesday, but after that, you'll need a new horoscope or panic will set in.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Allow yourself a rare moment of pleasure this week. Then stop forever.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The rare convergence of Mercury and the sun will cause emotional shock waves for Leo, not to mention send Mercury hurtling into the sun.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll breathe a sigh of relief when a certain nurse-killing statue of limitations finally goes into effect.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Soon, you will finally come to the end of a long string of personal problems. Decide on a clever epitaph by Sunday.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You thought your true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An emotional clash of wills results in your getting exactly what you want once again, you spoiled, worthless, goddamned manipulative brat.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember well the lessons you've learned: A milkman's collarbone breaks five times easier than his ribs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If your confidence fails you on the third of the month, remember: It was pretty unrealistic, anyway.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be doubly blessed when Venus gives you charms to seduce your dream lover, and Mars sends you to your glorious death at the Battle of Anzio.
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