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Horoscope for the week of February 3, 1999

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Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.
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Horoscope for the week of February 3, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In a fit of pique, you foolishly ignore the advice of a good friend and find yourself in possession of hundreds of worthless wooden nickels.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your cosmic life-force is inextricably tied to the current swing craze. At the cost of your life, do not let this trend die out.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be cool and calm through Wednesday, but after that, you'll need a new horoscope or panic will set in.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Allow yourself a rare moment of pleasure this week. Then stop forever.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The rare convergence of Mercury and the sun will cause emotional shock waves for Leo, not to mention send Mercury hurtling into the sun.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll breathe a sigh of relief when a certain nurse-killing statue of limitations finally goes into effect.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Soon, you will finally come to the end of a long string of personal problems. Decide on a clever epitaph by Sunday.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You thought your true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An emotional clash of wills results in your getting exactly what you want once again, you spoiled, worthless, goddamned manipulative brat.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember well the lessons you've learned: A milkman's collarbone breaks five times easier than his ribs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If your confidence fails you on the third of the month, remember: It was pretty unrealistic, anyway.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be doubly blessed when Venus gives you charms to seduce your dream lover, and Mars sends you to your glorious death at the Battle of Anzio.

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