Aries | March 21 to April 19
In a fit of pique, you foolishly ignore the advice of a good friend and find yourself in possession of hundreds of worthless wooden nickels.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your cosmic life-force is inextricably tied to the current swing craze. At the cost of your life, do not let this trend die out.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll be cool and calm through Wednesday, but after that, you'll need a new horoscope or panic will set in.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Allow yourself a rare moment of pleasure this week. Then stop forever.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The rare convergence of Mercury and the sun will cause emotional shock waves for Leo, not to mention send Mercury hurtling into the sun.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll breathe a sigh of relief when a certain nurse-killing statue of limitations finally goes into effect.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Soon, you will finally come to the end of a long string of personal problems. Decide on a clever epitaph by Sunday.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You thought your true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
An emotional clash of wills results in your getting exactly what you want once again, you spoiled, worthless, goddamned manipulative brat.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Remember well the lessons you've learned: A milkman's collarbone breaks five times easier than his ribs.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
If your confidence fails you on the third of the month, remember: It was pretty unrealistic, anyway.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll be doubly blessed when Venus gives you charms to seduce your dream lover, and Mars sends you to your glorious death at the Battle of Anzio.
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