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Horoscope for the week of February 3, 1999

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 3, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In a fit of pique, you foolishly ignore the advice of a good friend and find yourself in possession of hundreds of worthless wooden nickels.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your cosmic life-force is inextricably tied to the current swing craze. At the cost of your life, do not let this trend die out.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be cool and calm through Wednesday, but after that, you'll need a new horoscope or panic will set in.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Allow yourself a rare moment of pleasure this week. Then stop forever.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The rare convergence of Mercury and the sun will cause emotional shock waves for Leo, not to mention send Mercury hurtling into the sun.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll breathe a sigh of relief when a certain nurse-killing statue of limitations finally goes into effect.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Soon, you will finally come to the end of a long string of personal problems. Decide on a clever epitaph by Sunday.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You thought your true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    An emotional clash of wills results in your getting exactly what you want once again, you spoiled, worthless, goddamned manipulative brat.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Remember well the lessons you've learned: A milkman's collarbone breaks five times easier than his ribs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If your confidence fails you on the third of the month, remember: It was pretty unrealistic, anyway.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be doubly blessed when Venus gives you charms to seduce your dream lover, and Mars sends you to your glorious death at the Battle of Anzio.

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