Horoscope for the week of February 3, 1999

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Vol 35 Issue 04

Plane Delay Leaves Hundreds Whiny

ATLANTA—A flight-routing error at Hartsfield International Airport delayed the departure of Delta Airlines Flight 387 nearly 40 minutes, leaving over 200 travelers whiny and dozens more pissy. "This sucks," whined Janet Hoesch of Huntington Beach, CA. "What are we supposed to do, just sit here?" Free meal vouchers redeemable at any of the airport's 23 restaurants eased the whining only slightly. "Oh, great, 10 bucks worth of food," bitched Jim Heinrich, one of countless passengers left unappeased by the vouchers. "If they can't get us there on time, they should refund the whole ticket price."

Daddy Hitting Mommy Again

MURFREESBORO, TN—In the fourth such reprisal for bad behavior this week, Daddy is hitting Mommy again, under-the-bed sources reported Tuesday. The hitting, which was caused by Mommy's failure to have dinner ready on time again, also involved screaming, lamp-breaking and sobbing, as well as bad words. It is hoped that Mommy learns to behave better so that similar hitting incidents can be avoided in the future.

Bernadette Peters Comes Up Twice In One Day

COLUMBUS, OH—In an incident observers are calling "kinda weird," mid-level celebrity Bernadette Peters' name came up twice Monday in separate conversations had by Columbus resident Chris Loew. "At like noon, I forget what brought it up, but me and this guy Rich were talking about that one part in The Jerk where Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters sing that song," Loew, a 22-year-old pizza-delivery driver, told reporters. "Then, like five hours later, me and my buddy Dave were vegging out, watching Animaniacs, and he was like, 'Did you know that Bernadette Peters does the voice for Rita?' It was so freaky." Adding significantly to the freakiness, Loew said, was a narrowly averted triple-referencing of Peters at approximately 11:30 p.m.: "Me, Jeff and Josh were gonna watch [the Peters film] Silent Movie, but we wound up playing Sega instead. That would have been insane." Pop-culture statisticians estimate the odds of a single-day triple-Peters reference to be 4,750,000 to 1.

Russia's Power Shut Off

MOSCOW—Russia came one step closer to eviction Monday when the beleaguered nation's electricity was shut off due to nonpayment. "Russia has been on thin ice for months now," landlord Bob Nowicki said. "They keep saying they'll pay the bill, they'll take care of it, but then nothing happens." Russian president Boris Yeltsin has begged Nowicki to restore power, promising him that the nation will "almost definitely" have the money by the end of the week, when the World Bank is slated to vote on a $5.3 billion Russian aid package. Monday's power shut-off leaves more than 148 million Russians without heat or running water. "I hope our leaders can somehow come up with the cash to cover rent," St. Petersburg resident Olga Krupskaya said. "This would be a difficult time of year to have to find a new country." Russia has already forfeited its $44 trillion security deposit.

Hubby Rick... Ya Gotta Love Him!

First off, I'd like to thank all those Jeanketeers out there who've written to express their condolences for the passing of my dear kitty, Arthur. That includes the woman who sent me information about the grieving-cat-owner website, goodbyekitty.com. I wish I could say it comforted me, but scrolling past those dozens of kitty obituaries just bummed me out even more. But it's nice to know there are so many people out there who care.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 3, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    In a fit of pique, you foolishly ignore the advice of a good friend and find yourself in possession of hundreds of worthless wooden nickels.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your cosmic life-force is inextricably tied to the current swing craze. At the cost of your life, do not let this trend die out.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll be cool and calm through Wednesday, but after that, you'll need a new horoscope or panic will set in.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Allow yourself a rare moment of pleasure this week. Then stop forever.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The rare convergence of Mercury and the sun will cause emotional shock waves for Leo, not to mention send Mercury hurtling into the sun.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll breathe a sigh of relief when a certain nurse-killing statue of limitations finally goes into effect.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Soon, you will finally come to the end of a long string of personal problems. Decide on a clever epitaph by Sunday.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You thought your true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    An emotional clash of wills results in your getting exactly what you want once again, you spoiled, worthless, goddamned manipulative brat.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Remember well the lessons you've learned: A milkman's collarbone breaks five times easier than his ribs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    If your confidence fails you on the third of the month, remember: It was pretty unrealistic, anyway.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll be doubly blessed when Venus gives you charms to seduce your dream lover, and Mars sends you to your glorious death at the Battle of Anzio.
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