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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Horoscope for the week of February 4, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, the process of gradual and minimal change in your life will begin, so be ready to accept entirely new placements of furniture.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your self-image takes yet another blow when Pam Grier farms your ass-kicking out to a tired-looking bottle blonde.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    For the second time in a century, you will find yourself emotionally and artistically unprepared for an outbreak of Big Band Fever.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Valentine's Day is once again almost upon you, and once again, it doesn't mean anything at all.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Be open to suggestions, as this week marks the start of a new era of freedom and risk-taking for Leo. Now, mail us all your pants.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's generally agreed that eyewitnesses aren't always reliable, but everyone swears that they saw you whispering to the cattle moments before the stampede.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After a long review of the issues and the candidates' positions on them, you're pretty sure you won't vote this time, either.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    They'll say that you're finally free, that you're no longer in pain, and that you're in a better place, but you'll know what the wishy-washy pricks really mean.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If your controversial calculations are correct, Eddie was almost 30 when they recorded "Hot For Teacher."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're not one to blindly do what others suggest, but you can't think of a good reason not to go fuck yourself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're tempting fate if you keep mentioning that you've only got two weeks before your retirement from the Chicken Shack.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Most people are either part of the solution or part of the problem, but you're one of the red herrings thrown into the answer set to mislead test-takers.

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