Aries | March 21 to April 19
This week, the process of gradual and minimal change in your life will begin, so be ready to accept entirely new placements of furniture.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your self-image takes yet another blow when Pam Grier farms your ass-kicking out to a tired-looking bottle blonde.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
For the second time in a century, you will find yourself emotionally and artistically unprepared for an outbreak of Big Band Fever.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Valentine's Day is once again almost upon you, and once again, it doesn't mean anything at all.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Be open to suggestions, as this week marks the start of a new era of freedom and risk-taking for Leo. Now, mail us all your pants.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It's generally agreed that eyewitnesses aren't always reliable, but everyone swears that they saw you whispering to the cattle moments before the stampede.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After a long review of the issues and the candidates' positions on them, you're pretty sure you won't vote this time, either.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
They'll say that you're finally free, that you're no longer in pain, and that you're in a better place, but you'll know what the wishy-washy pricks really mean.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
If your controversial calculations are correct, Eddie was almost 30 when they recorded "Hot For Teacher."
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You're not one to blindly do what others suggest, but you can't think of a good reason not to go fuck yourself.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You're tempting fate if you keep mentioning that you've only got two weeks before your retirement from the Chicken Shack.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Most people are either part of the solution or part of the problem, but you're one of the red herrings thrown into the answer set to mislead test-takers.
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