Horoscope for the week of February 4, 2004

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NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Horoscope for the week of February 4, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, the process of gradual and minimal change in your life will begin, so be ready to accept entirely new placements of furniture.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your self-image takes yet another blow when Pam Grier farms your ass-kicking out to a tired-looking bottle blonde.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    For the second time in a century, you will find yourself emotionally and artistically unprepared for an outbreak of Big Band Fever.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Valentine's Day is once again almost upon you, and once again, it doesn't mean anything at all.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Be open to suggestions, as this week marks the start of a new era of freedom and risk-taking for Leo. Now, mail us all your pants.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's generally agreed that eyewitnesses aren't always reliable, but everyone swears that they saw you whispering to the cattle moments before the stampede.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After a long review of the issues and the candidates' positions on them, you're pretty sure you won't vote this time, either.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    They'll say that you're finally free, that you're no longer in pain, and that you're in a better place, but you'll know what the wishy-washy pricks really mean.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If your controversial calculations are correct, Eddie was almost 30 when they recorded "Hot For Teacher."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're not one to blindly do what others suggest, but you can't think of a good reason not to go fuck yourself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're tempting fate if you keep mentioning that you've only got two weeks before your retirement from the Chicken Shack.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Most people are either part of the solution or part of the problem, but you're one of the red herrings thrown into the answer set to mislead test-takers.