Horoscope for the week of February 4, 2004

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 4, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, the process of gradual and minimal change in your life will begin, so be ready to accept entirely new placements of furniture.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your self-image takes yet another blow when Pam Grier farms your ass-kicking out to a tired-looking bottle blonde.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    For the second time in a century, you will find yourself emotionally and artistically unprepared for an outbreak of Big Band Fever.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Valentine's Day is once again almost upon you, and once again, it doesn't mean anything at all.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Be open to suggestions, as this week marks the start of a new era of freedom and risk-taking for Leo. Now, mail us all your pants.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's generally agreed that eyewitnesses aren't always reliable, but everyone swears that they saw you whispering to the cattle moments before the stampede.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After a long review of the issues and the candidates' positions on them, you're pretty sure you won't vote this time, either.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    They'll say that you're finally free, that you're no longer in pain, and that you're in a better place, but you'll know what the wishy-washy pricks really mean.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If your controversial calculations are correct, Eddie was almost 30 when they recorded "Hot For Teacher."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're not one to blindly do what others suggest, but you can't think of a good reason not to go fuck yourself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're tempting fate if you keep mentioning that you've only got two weeks before your retirement from the Chicken Shack.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Most people are either part of the solution or part of the problem, but you're one of the red herrings thrown into the answer set to mislead test-takers.