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Horoscope for the week of February 4, 2004

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Horoscope for the week of February 4, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, the process of gradual and minimal change in your life will begin, so be ready to accept entirely new placements of furniture.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your self-image takes yet another blow when Pam Grier farms your ass-kicking out to a tired-looking bottle blonde.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    For the second time in a century, you will find yourself emotionally and artistically unprepared for an outbreak of Big Band Fever.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Valentine's Day is once again almost upon you, and once again, it doesn't mean anything at all.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Be open to suggestions, as this week marks the start of a new era of freedom and risk-taking for Leo. Now, mail us all your pants.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's generally agreed that eyewitnesses aren't always reliable, but everyone swears that they saw you whispering to the cattle moments before the stampede.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After a long review of the issues and the candidates' positions on them, you're pretty sure you won't vote this time, either.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    They'll say that you're finally free, that you're no longer in pain, and that you're in a better place, but you'll know what the wishy-washy pricks really mean.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If your controversial calculations are correct, Eddie was almost 30 when they recorded "Hot For Teacher."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're not one to blindly do what others suggest, but you can't think of a good reason not to go fuck yourself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're tempting fate if you keep mentioning that you've only got two weeks before your retirement from the Chicken Shack.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Most people are either part of the solution or part of the problem, but you're one of the red herrings thrown into the answer set to mislead test-takers.

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