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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of February 4, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, the process of gradual and minimal change in your life will begin, so be ready to accept entirely new placements of furniture.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your self-image takes yet another blow when Pam Grier farms your ass-kicking out to a tired-looking bottle blonde.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    For the second time in a century, you will find yourself emotionally and artistically unprepared for an outbreak of Big Band Fever.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Valentine's Day is once again almost upon you, and once again, it doesn't mean anything at all.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Be open to suggestions, as this week marks the start of a new era of freedom and risk-taking for Leo. Now, mail us all your pants.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's generally agreed that eyewitnesses aren't always reliable, but everyone swears that they saw you whispering to the cattle moments before the stampede.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After a long review of the issues and the candidates' positions on them, you're pretty sure you won't vote this time, either.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    They'll say that you're finally free, that you're no longer in pain, and that you're in a better place, but you'll know what the wishy-washy pricks really mean.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If your controversial calculations are correct, Eddie was almost 30 when they recorded "Hot For Teacher."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're not one to blindly do what others suggest, but you can't think of a good reason not to go fuck yourself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're tempting fate if you keep mentioning that you've only got two weeks before your retirement from the Chicken Shack.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Most people are either part of the solution or part of the problem, but you're one of the red herrings thrown into the answer set to mislead test-takers.

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