Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your enjoyment of a Vancouver Canucks hockey game will be spoiled when the stadium organist tries to seduce you by repeatedly mentioning that he is the stadium organist.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your belief that "there's no room for second place" creates friction between you and your spouse when you are blessed with twins but disagree over which one to keep.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
After your parents die in an auto accident, insult will be added to injury when your spouse says they were better than you in bed.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your faith in a well-ordered universe is shattered when Jesus Christ comes down off the cross and beats you with a half-empty gin bottle, screaming that disco is not dead.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will be convinced that you are pregnant several times this week, but you only have to go number two.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your psyche suffers retroactive trauma this week when, after you break up with your scientist lover, he invents a time machine and travels back to the '70s to ruin your once-happy childhood.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Miscommunication between you and a rabbi will result in your being converted into pure atomic energy instead of Judaism.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your bungled suicide attempt goes unnoticed, and you will eventually starve to death while hanging by your wrists from the light fixture.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
February brings with it a need for inner cleansing. Use industrial-grade lye and a long-handled wire brush.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The splatter-porn film you starred in many years ago resurfaces, but don’t be embarrassed: Eight-year olds are allowed to make mistakes.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
That special someone who keeps promising to buy you sexy underwear finally does, but you are unable to persuade him to take it off his head.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Veteran actor Robert Culp appears to you in a dream and winks knowingly.
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