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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Horoscope for the week of February 5, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your enjoyment of a Vancouver Canucks hockey game will be spoiled when the stadium organist tries to seduce you by repeatedly mentioning that he is the stadium organist.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your belief that "there's no room for second place" creates friction between you and your spouse when you are blessed with twins but disagree over which one to keep.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After your parents die in an auto accident, insult will be added to injury when your spouse says they were better than you in bed.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your faith in a well-ordered universe is shattered when Jesus Christ comes down off the cross and beats you with a half-empty gin bottle, screaming that disco is not dead.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be convinced that you are pregnant several times this week, but you only have to go number two.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your psyche suffers retroactive trauma this week when, after you break up with your scientist lover, he invents a time machine and travels back to the '70s to ruin your once-happy childhood.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Miscommunication between you and a rabbi will result in your being converted into pure atomic energy instead of Judaism.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your bungled suicide attempt goes unnoticed, and you will eventually starve to death while hanging by your wrists from the light fixture.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    February brings with it a need for inner cleansing. Use industrial-grade lye and a long-handled wire brush.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The splatter-porn film you starred in many years ago resurfaces, but don’t be embarrassed: Eight-year olds are allowed to make mistakes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    That special someone who keeps promising to buy you sexy underwear finally does, but you are unable to persuade him to take it off his head.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Veteran actor Robert Culp appears to you in a dream and winks knowingly.

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