Horoscope for the week of February 5, 2003

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Horoscope for the week of February 5, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a birdie.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will never again be able to live in peace due to the enduring and seductive power of your moose call.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will spend three frustrating weeks trying to incorporate the word "evanescent" into a sentence.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just so you know: If you speak fluent Farsi and have a thorough knowledge of Middle Eastern culture but don't like travel, it's a good time to keep your mouth shut.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It might be heartfelt, but your long, freeform version of "Old Man River" will get your lily-white ass laughed off the stage.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Just because that man is dead and in his grave doesn't mean you can go around squeezing the Charmin as much as you please.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Actually, "mannickjore" refers to the white-necked stork of the Indian subcontinent, more commonly known to white settlers as the "beefsteak bird."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It was nice of Utah Jazz great Karl Malone to visit you in the hospital, though you are not sick and easily could have entertained him at home.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Something big is in your future. Please be sure to note the absence of any specific positives in that sentence.