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Horoscope for the week of February 5, 2003

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of February 5, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a birdie.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will never again be able to live in peace due to the enduring and seductive power of your moose call.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will spend three frustrating weeks trying to incorporate the word "evanescent" into a sentence.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just so you know: If you speak fluent Farsi and have a thorough knowledge of Middle Eastern culture but don't like travel, it's a good time to keep your mouth shut.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It might be heartfelt, but your long, freeform version of "Old Man River" will get your lily-white ass laughed off the stage.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Just because that man is dead and in his grave doesn't mean you can go around squeezing the Charmin as much as you please.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Actually, "mannickjore" refers to the white-necked stork of the Indian subcontinent, more commonly known to white settlers as the "beefsteak bird."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It was nice of Utah Jazz great Karl Malone to visit you in the hospital, though you are not sick and easily could have entertained him at home.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Something big is in your future. Please be sure to note the absence of any specific positives in that sentence.

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