Horoscope for the week of February 5, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 04

The Draft - Ep. 2

Larry Fitzgerald anxiously waits to find out which fantasy team he’ll play for this year, while coach Brad Blevins tries not to panic over his first round pick.

Department Of The Interior Sets Aside Two Million Acres For Car Commercials

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to "safeguard our precious wildlands for future generations of SUV ads," the Department of the Interior set aside two million acres in Wyoming and Colorado for use in car commercials Monday. "If we do not protect this land," Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton said, "we may one day have no place for Dodge Rams to run wild and free."

Baby's Third Through Eighth Words Registered Trademarks

PHOENIX—Mere weeks after saying "Mama" and "Dada" for the first time, 17-month-old Max Ellis has expanded his vocabulary to include the registered trademarks Tinky Winky™, Fruit Roll-Up™, Nintendo™, Blue's Clues™, Superman™, and Pepsi™. "I think I even heard him say 'McDonald's™' yesterday," mother Darlene Ellis said. "He's growing up so fast."

Man Vows Never To Watch Another Sci-Fi Movie With Physicist Friend

DALLAS—After watching Starship Troopers with friend Jeff Oberst Monday, Adam Buck vowed never to watch another science-fiction film with the Rice University physics professor. "First, he spends 20 minutes telling me how bugs could never get that big because of the way they breathe," said Buck, 28. "Then he goes off on how faster-than-light-speed travel isn't physically possible." Buck said the evening was even less enjoyable than the time they watched Back To The Future together.

Mommy Having Sleepover

GALESBURG, IL—Five days after Daddy's disappearance, Mommy hosted "Uncle" Rick at a sleepover, 5-year-old Hannah Dalton reported Monday. "They drank a lot of that special soda for grownups, and they watched movies," Hannah said. "And later, they must have told ghost stories, because I heard them both moaning and screaming." The morning after the sleepover, a departing Rick permitted Hannah to eat as much Count Chocula as she wanted, as long as she did not wake Mommy.

Why Must The Media Call My Ritual Killings 'Senseless'?

Ever since the sixth grade, when Danielle Mattson called the chicken-bone-and-dead-fly sculpture I made for art class "disgusting," I've not been one to take criticism well. I'm not saying I'm above reproach. I just think that if someone is going to find fault with one's work, his or her critique should come from a well-informed, knowledgeable place.

France And Germany Say No

At a recent NATO meeting, France and Germany expressed reluctance to lend military support to the U.S. if it invades Iraq. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 5, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a birdie.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will never again be able to live in peace due to the enduring and seductive power of your moose call.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will spend three frustrating weeks trying to incorporate the word "evanescent" into a sentence.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Just so you know: If you speak fluent Farsi and have a thorough knowledge of Middle Eastern culture but don't like travel, it's a good time to keep your mouth shut.
  • Libra

    Libra

    It might be heartfelt, but your long, freeform version of "Old Man River" will get your lily-white ass laughed off the stage.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Just because that man is dead and in his grave doesn't mean you can go around squeezing the Charmin as much as you please.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Actually, "mannickjore" refers to the white-necked stork of the Indian subcontinent, more commonly known to white settlers as the "beefsteak bird."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It was nice of Utah Jazz great Karl Malone to visit you in the hospital, though you are not sick and easily could have entertained him at home.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Something big is in your future. Please be sure to note the absence of any specific positives in that sentence.
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