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Horoscope for the week of February 5, 2003

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Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of February 5, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a birdie.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will never again be able to live in peace due to the enduring and seductive power of your moose call.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will spend three frustrating weeks trying to incorporate the word "evanescent" into a sentence.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just so you know: If you speak fluent Farsi and have a thorough knowledge of Middle Eastern culture but don't like travel, it's a good time to keep your mouth shut.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It might be heartfelt, but your long, freeform version of "Old Man River" will get your lily-white ass laughed off the stage.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Just because that man is dead and in his grave doesn't mean you can go around squeezing the Charmin as much as you please.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Actually, "mannickjore" refers to the white-necked stork of the Indian subcontinent, more commonly known to white settlers as the "beefsteak bird."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It was nice of Utah Jazz great Karl Malone to visit you in the hospital, though you are not sick and easily could have entertained him at home.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Something big is in your future. Please be sure to note the absence of any specific positives in that sentence.

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