adBlockCheck

Recent News

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of February 5, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a birdie.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will never again be able to live in peace due to the enduring and seductive power of your moose call.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will spend three frustrating weeks trying to incorporate the word "evanescent" into a sentence.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just so you know: If you speak fluent Farsi and have a thorough knowledge of Middle Eastern culture but don't like travel, it's a good time to keep your mouth shut.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It might be heartfelt, but your long, freeform version of "Old Man River" will get your lily-white ass laughed off the stage.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Just because that man is dead and in his grave doesn't mean you can go around squeezing the Charmin as much as you please.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Actually, "mannickjore" refers to the white-necked stork of the Indian subcontinent, more commonly known to white settlers as the "beefsteak bird."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It was nice of Utah Jazz great Karl Malone to visit you in the hospital, though you are not sick and easily could have entertained him at home.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Something big is in your future. Please be sure to note the absence of any specific positives in that sentence.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close