adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of February 6, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you are unable to cultivate a reputation as a great lover of women, yourreputation as an above-average lover of pancakes remains secure.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You can probably put it off for a while, but eventually you'll have to figure out whatall those sirens mean.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In time, Death comes to all men, but the way he keeps stopping by to have a beer and moan about the Steelers' AFC Championship loss is a little pathetic.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your insistence that "if they wanted people to understand the penal code, they would've written it down somewhere" will only get you so far.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your missing legs don't have to be a handicap. At least not in some strange alternate universe where people are flying saucers from the waist down.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll save more than $40,000 by freezing your corpse in a bathtub full of ice instead of springing for the cryogenics.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Even if you live to be 100, you'll never understand homosexuality. But don't let that stop you from having sex with all those guys.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won't do her any good. Show her how.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has several pairs he doesn't even wear. Then, you will cry great, heaving sobs until you can hardly even breathe.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can't find one, they'll use something else.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You should have realized long before the bag rotted away that the snipe isn't ever coming out.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars say you should be patient and that it can't last forever. They didn't say what they're talking about, though.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close