Horoscope for the week of February 6, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 04

Jerry Always Willing To Pick Up Overtime

BOISE, ID— Boise Tool & Die sources reported Monday that machinist Jerry Tepper, 48, is always willing to pick up overtime, should anyone wish to cut out early. "I don't know, maybe his wife is sick or something," foreman Don Jeske said. "Whatever the reason, Jerry's the go-to guy if you're looking to take off. He just can't resist the extra cash."

Annoying Ad Turns Man Pro-Whaling

NASHUA, NH— A TV ad for WhaleSave sufficiently irritated local resident Nathan Mimms to cause him to reverse his longtime anti-whaling stance. "Christ, this is annoying," said Mimms during a Monday airing of the spot, which features images of majestic whales rising out of the ocean as Enya's "Fallen Embers" plays. "Fuck the whales. I'd rather they go extinct if it means never having to see this ad again."

Philip Morris CEO Forces Senator To Dance For His Amusement

WASHINGTON, DC— Bored and in need of amusement, Philip Morris CEO Louis Camilleri commanded U.S. Sen. John Edwards (D-NC) to dance for him Monday. "Dance!" Camilleri told a whirling, diaper-clad Edwards as Buster Poindexter's "Hot Hot Hot" blared. "And keep the beat, if you want that $275,000 contribution to your reelection campaign." Later this week, Edwards is slated to don a cowgirl costume and twirl sparklers to Phil Collins' "Sussudio" for General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner.

Film Critic Belatedly Comes Up With Swordfish Zinger

AMARILLO, TX— Some seven months after the film's theatrical release, Amarillo Globe-News movie critic Irwin Hough thought up a brilliant put-down for Swordfish Monday. "Make no mistake, I'm proud of the line I thought up at the time, 'This Fish should have been tossed back,'" Hough said. "But I have to admit, that just isn't as sharp as 'Swordfish is one cold fish that deserves to tank.'"

Report: Recently Laid-Off Workers Not Doing Enough To Help Economy

WASHINGTON, DC— According to a Labor Department report released Monday, Americans who lost their jobs in the past year are doing little to aid the recovery of the nation's economy. "Unemployed Americans are neglecting their patriotic duties by spending far less than the gainfully employed," the report read. "Until these laid-off workers start pitching in and buying things, America's economy will continue to stagnate." The report did note that jobless citizens have strongly supported America's fortified-wine industry.

The Tyson Split

On Jan. 17, Dr. Monica Tyson, wife of boxer Mike Tyson, filed for divorce. What grounds did she cite in the legal papers?

Indo-Pakistani Tensions Mount At Local Amoco

DETROIT—Indo-Pakistani tensions continue to escalate this week at the Eight-Mile and Telegraph Road Amoco, where hostilities between owner Rajesh Srinivasan and in-store Subway mini-franchise manager Majid Ashraf threaten to spill over into all-out war.

Every Social Gathering Is A Chance To Hustle For Contacts

Social engagements mean different things to different people. For some, they're an occasion to get together with old friends and share some laughs. For others, they're a chance to maybe meet that special someone. For me, social gatherings are much more than that: They're a golden opportunity to hustle for contacts.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Horoscope for the week of February 6, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    Though you are unable to cultivate a reputation as a great lover of women, yourreputation as an above-average lover of pancakes remains secure.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You can probably put it off for a while, but eventually you'll have to figure out whatall those sirens mean.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    In time, Death comes to all men, but the way he keeps stopping by to have a beer and moan about the Steelers' AFC Championship loss is a little pathetic.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your insistence that "if they wanted people to understand the penal code, they would've written it down somewhere" will only get you so far.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your missing legs don't have to be a handicap. At least not in some strange alternate universe where people are flying saucers from the waist down.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll save more than $40,000 by freezing your corpse in a bathtub full of ice instead of springing for the cryogenics.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Even if you live to be 100, you'll never understand homosexuality. But don't let that stop you from having sex with all those guys.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won't do her any good. Show her how.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has several pairs he doesn't even wear. Then, you will cry great, heaving sobs until you can hardly even breathe.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can't find one, they'll use something else.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You should have realized long before the bag rotted away that the snipe isn't ever coming out.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars say you should be patient and that it can't last forever. They didn't say what they're talking about, though.
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