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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Horoscope for the week of February 6, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you are unable to cultivate a reputation as a great lover of women, yourreputation as an above-average lover of pancakes remains secure.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You can probably put it off for a while, but eventually you'll have to figure out whatall those sirens mean.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In time, Death comes to all men, but the way he keeps stopping by to have a beer and moan about the Steelers' AFC Championship loss is a little pathetic.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your insistence that "if they wanted people to understand the penal code, they would've written it down somewhere" will only get you so far.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your missing legs don't have to be a handicap. At least not in some strange alternate universe where people are flying saucers from the waist down.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll save more than $40,000 by freezing your corpse in a bathtub full of ice instead of springing for the cryogenics.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Even if you live to be 100, you'll never understand homosexuality. But don't let that stop you from having sex with all those guys.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won't do her any good. Show her how.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has several pairs he doesn't even wear. Then, you will cry great, heaving sobs until you can hardly even breathe.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can't find one, they'll use something else.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You should have realized long before the bag rotted away that the snipe isn't ever coming out.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars say you should be patient and that it can't last forever. They didn't say what they're talking about, though.

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