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Horoscope for the week of February 6, 2002

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Horoscope for the week of February 6, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you are unable to cultivate a reputation as a great lover of women, yourreputation as an above-average lover of pancakes remains secure.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You can probably put it off for a while, but eventually you'll have to figure out whatall those sirens mean.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In time, Death comes to all men, but the way he keeps stopping by to have a beer and moan about the Steelers' AFC Championship loss is a little pathetic.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your insistence that "if they wanted people to understand the penal code, they would've written it down somewhere" will only get you so far.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your missing legs don't have to be a handicap. At least not in some strange alternate universe where people are flying saucers from the waist down.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll save more than $40,000 by freezing your corpse in a bathtub full of ice instead of springing for the cryogenics.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Even if you live to be 100, you'll never understand homosexuality. But don't let that stop you from having sex with all those guys.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Telling the waitress that you could make a better cup of coffee from the sweat on your balls won't do her any good. Show her how.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has several pairs he doesn't even wear. Then, you will cry great, heaving sobs until you can hardly even breathe.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can't find one, they'll use something else.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You should have realized long before the bag rotted away that the snipe isn't ever coming out.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars say you should be patient and that it can't last forever. They didn't say what they're talking about, though.

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