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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of February 7, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you'd like to think of it as a triumph of the human spirit, it's really just the opening of a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop three blocks from your office.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Soon your 15 minutes of fame will be up, and people will only know you as "that freaky-looking guy who survived the barbed-wire-plant explosion."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week will be noteworthy for your whirlwind tour of the American criminal justice system.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars would love to tell you your fortune for next week, but it lacks the tinge of verisimilitude that would make it believable.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will go down in snowboard history for accidentally inventing the "540 Goofy-Foot Christa MacAuliffe" while nailing siding on your mountain cabin.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Nothing can stop you this week as you accelerate to a considerable fraction of the speed of light.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Please stop telling your coworkers you've been "nailing" your new secretary. The polite term is "nailing love to."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You can claim anything you want in your song, but, truth be told, by the time you get to Phoenix she'll have forgotten all about your hick ass.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: That which does not kill you makes you strongerñeven if it paralyzes you from the neck down and necessitates the removal of your renal system.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're eventually going to get tired of people comparing next Thursday to the Flying Wallenda Tragedy of 1963.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After next week, you will no longer wonder where the phrase "I'll be dipped in shit" came from.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Perhaps the color and positions of the stains on your boyfriend's mattress can offer a clue as to how he earned the money he's stuffed inside it.

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