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Horoscope for the week of February 7, 2001

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Horoscope for the week of February 7, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you'd like to think of it as a triumph of the human spirit, it's really just the opening of a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop three blocks from your office.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Soon your 15 minutes of fame will be up, and people will only know you as "that freaky-looking guy who survived the barbed-wire-plant explosion."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week will be noteworthy for your whirlwind tour of the American criminal justice system.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars would love to tell you your fortune for next week, but it lacks the tinge of verisimilitude that would make it believable.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will go down in snowboard history for accidentally inventing the "540 Goofy-Foot Christa MacAuliffe" while nailing siding on your mountain cabin.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Nothing can stop you this week as you accelerate to a considerable fraction of the speed of light.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Please stop telling your coworkers you've been "nailing" your new secretary. The polite term is "nailing love to."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You can claim anything you want in your song, but, truth be told, by the time you get to Phoenix she'll have forgotten all about your hick ass.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: That which does not kill you makes you strongerñeven if it paralyzes you from the neck down and necessitates the removal of your renal system.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're eventually going to get tired of people comparing next Thursday to the Flying Wallenda Tragedy of 1963.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After next week, you will no longer wonder where the phrase "I'll be dipped in shit" came from.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Perhaps the color and positions of the stains on your boyfriend's mattress can offer a clue as to how he earned the money he's stuffed inside it.

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