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Horoscope for the week of February 7, 2001

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of February 7, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you'd like to think of it as a triumph of the human spirit, it's really just the opening of a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop three blocks from your office.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Soon your 15 minutes of fame will be up, and people will only know you as "that freaky-looking guy who survived the barbed-wire-plant explosion."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week will be noteworthy for your whirlwind tour of the American criminal justice system.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars would love to tell you your fortune for next week, but it lacks the tinge of verisimilitude that would make it believable.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will go down in snowboard history for accidentally inventing the "540 Goofy-Foot Christa MacAuliffe" while nailing siding on your mountain cabin.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Nothing can stop you this week as you accelerate to a considerable fraction of the speed of light.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Please stop telling your coworkers you've been "nailing" your new secretary. The polite term is "nailing love to."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You can claim anything you want in your song, but, truth be told, by the time you get to Phoenix she'll have forgotten all about your hick ass.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: That which does not kill you makes you strongerñeven if it paralyzes you from the neck down and necessitates the removal of your renal system.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're eventually going to get tired of people comparing next Thursday to the Flying Wallenda Tragedy of 1963.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After next week, you will no longer wonder where the phrase "I'll be dipped in shit" came from.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Perhaps the color and positions of the stains on your boyfriend's mattress can offer a clue as to how he earned the money he's stuffed inside it.

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