Horoscope for the week of February 7, 2001

In This Section

Vol 37 Issue 04

'Mr. Falafel' Owner Does Not Actually Like Being Addressed As Mr. Falafel

DETROIT–In a candid interview Monday, Elias Nawaz, owner of the Mr. Falafel restaurant on Telegraph Road, asserted that he does not like to be called Mr. Falafel. "Please call me Mr. Nawaz," he said. "Or, if you wish to be less formal, you can call me Elias. But my name is not Mr. Falafel." Nawaz added that anyone asking to speak to "Mrs. Falafel" would be ignored outright.

Woman Panics After Accidentally Getting Into Exact-Change Lane

DES PLAINES, IL–Motorist Gloria Eckstrom, 64, panicked Monday after accidentally entering an I-90 toll-booth lane explicitly marked "Exact Change Only." "Oh, my goodness," said Eckstrom, the flow of traffic carrying her toward a basket into which she would soon be expected to toss 40 cents. "I'm in the wrong lane." Eckstrom was able to merge into a nearby "Manual" lane at the last possible moment, averting disaster.

Special 'Framers' Cut' Of Constitution To Feature Five Deleted Amendments

WASHINGTON, DC–The National Archives and Records Administration announced plans Monday to release a special "framers' cut" of the Constitution featuring five bonus amendments deleted from the original. According to NARA head John Carlin, the new document includes "more than the 35 lines of never-before-seen provisions sure to thrill history buffs." Among the goodies: an early draft of the Fifth Amendment protecting citizens from being put in quintuple jeopardy and a rare, unnumbered Amendment granting each member of Congress the right to "one concubine of his choosing per term served." The expanded version will also include "framers' commentary" by Alexander Hamilton and James Madison written in the margins, as well as a "Making Of The Constitution" document after the list of framers' signatures.

High-School Teacher Reluctantly Breaks Up Fight

IRVINE, CA–With great trepidation, Irvine West High School teacher Ted Broussard broke up a hallway fistfight Monday between students Rick Anders and Jeff Streed. "That would have been a great fight," Broussard said. "I would have loved to see those two go at it. Too bad I was required to put a stop to it." Broussard noted that despite his smaller size, Anders "probably could've taken [Streed]."

Celine's Baby

After years of publicly wishing for a child, Celine Dion finally gave birth to a son on Jan. 25. How is the world reacting to the blessed event?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Sleep

Customer Service

Horoscope for the week of February 7, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    Though you'd like to think of it as a triumph of the human spirit, it's really just the opening of a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop three blocks from your office.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Soon your 15 minutes of fame will be up, and people will only know you as "that freaky-looking guy who survived the barbed-wire-plant explosion."
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    This week will be noteworthy for your whirlwind tour of the American criminal justice system.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The stars would love to tell you your fortune for next week, but it lacks the tinge of verisimilitude that would make it believable.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will go down in snowboard history for accidentally inventing the "540 Goofy-Foot Christa MacAuliffe" while nailing siding on your mountain cabin.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Nothing can stop you this week as you accelerate to a considerable fraction of the speed of light.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Please stop telling your coworkers you've been "nailing" your new secretary. The polite term is "nailing love to."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You can claim anything you want in your song, but, truth be told, by the time you get to Phoenix she'll have forgotten all about your hick ass.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Remember: That which does not kill you makes you strongerñeven if it paralyzes you from the neck down and necessitates the removal of your renal system.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You're eventually going to get tired of people comparing next Thursday to the Flying Wallenda Tragedy of 1963.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    After next week, you will no longer wonder where the phrase "I'll be dipped in shit" came from.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Perhaps the color and positions of the stains on your boyfriend's mattress can offer a clue as to how he earned the money he's stuffed inside it.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More