Aries | March 21 to April 19
You find yourself shunned by friends when you join a tiny group that believes in such strange, unseen forces as "gravity" and "electromagnetism."
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your belief in the impossibility of having a level-headed discussion on the state of American race relations only intensifies when you turn into a horse.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
If you're reading this, we're sorry for predicting your death last week. But if you're reading this without arms, we must say we told you so.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
If you feel bad because you have a funny name, screw you. Our name is fucking Cancer, for Chrissakes.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will find ample empirical evidence proving true the old myth about bulls and the color red.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Kris Kristofferson will appear to you in a dream and tell you to cast off your earthly ways and follow him. At least he looked like Kris Kristofferson.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
An unfortunate typo on your application results in your being accepted into the Legion Of Superherpes.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Though you're basically a good person, you have the habit of looking to strange, random sources for guidance.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will be recognized in your community for raising three healthy, well-adjusted children, as well as eight deranged, killer-cannibal children.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your shock upon learning where veal comes from is nothing. Wait until you learn where babies come from.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
If your birthday is this week, multiply your calendar age by 4.8 to get your age in far more telling "Aquarius years."
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will be spiritually and emotionally unprepared for the events of next Thursday, though nothing particularly notable is expected to happen.
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