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Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2000

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You find yourself shunned by friends when you join a tiny group that believes in such strange, unseen forces as "gravity" and "electromagnetism."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your belief in the impossibility of having a level-headed discussion on the state of American race relations only intensifies when you turn into a horse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If you're reading this, we're sorry for predicting your death last week. But if you're reading this without arms, we must say we told you so.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If you feel bad because you have a funny name, screw you. Our name is fucking Cancer, for Chrissakes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will find ample empirical evidence proving true the old myth about bulls and the color red.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Kris Kristofferson will appear to you in a dream and tell you to cast off your earthly ways and follow him. At least he looked like Kris Kristofferson.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An unfortunate typo on your application results in your being accepted into the Legion Of Superherpes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you're basically a good person, you have the habit of looking to strange, random sources for guidance.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be recognized in your community for raising three healthy, well-adjusted children, as well as eight deranged, killer-cannibal children.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your shock upon learning where veal comes from is nothing. Wait until you learn where babies come from.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If your birthday is this week, multiply your calendar age by 4.8 to get your age in far more telling "Aquarius years."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be spiritually and emotionally unprepared for the events of next Thursday, though nothing particularly notable is expected to happen.

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