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Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2000

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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You find yourself shunned by friends when you join a tiny group that believes in such strange, unseen forces as "gravity" and "electromagnetism."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your belief in the impossibility of having a level-headed discussion on the state of American race relations only intensifies when you turn into a horse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If you're reading this, we're sorry for predicting your death last week. But if you're reading this without arms, we must say we told you so.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If you feel bad because you have a funny name, screw you. Our name is fucking Cancer, for Chrissakes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will find ample empirical evidence proving true the old myth about bulls and the color red.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Kris Kristofferson will appear to you in a dream and tell you to cast off your earthly ways and follow him. At least he looked like Kris Kristofferson.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An unfortunate typo on your application results in your being accepted into the Legion Of Superherpes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you're basically a good person, you have the habit of looking to strange, random sources for guidance.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be recognized in your community for raising three healthy, well-adjusted children, as well as eight deranged, killer-cannibal children.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your shock upon learning where veal comes from is nothing. Wait until you learn where babies come from.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If your birthday is this week, multiply your calendar age by 4.8 to get your age in far more telling "Aquarius years."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be spiritually and emotionally unprepared for the events of next Thursday, though nothing particularly notable is expected to happen.

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