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Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2000

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Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You find yourself shunned by friends when you join a tiny group that believes in such strange, unseen forces as "gravity" and "electromagnetism."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your belief in the impossibility of having a level-headed discussion on the state of American race relations only intensifies when you turn into a horse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If you're reading this, we're sorry for predicting your death last week. But if you're reading this without arms, we must say we told you so.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If you feel bad because you have a funny name, screw you. Our name is fucking Cancer, for Chrissakes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will find ample empirical evidence proving true the old myth about bulls and the color red.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Kris Kristofferson will appear to you in a dream and tell you to cast off your earthly ways and follow him. At least he looked like Kris Kristofferson.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An unfortunate typo on your application results in your being accepted into the Legion Of Superherpes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you're basically a good person, you have the habit of looking to strange, random sources for guidance.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be recognized in your community for raising three healthy, well-adjusted children, as well as eight deranged, killer-cannibal children.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your shock upon learning where veal comes from is nothing. Wait until you learn where babies come from.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If your birthday is this week, multiply your calendar age by 4.8 to get your age in far more telling "Aquarius years."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be spiritually and emotionally unprepared for the events of next Thursday, though nothing particularly notable is expected to happen.

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