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Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2000

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You find yourself shunned by friends when you join a tiny group that believes in such strange, unseen forces as "gravity" and "electromagnetism."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your belief in the impossibility of having a level-headed discussion on the state of American race relations only intensifies when you turn into a horse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If you're reading this, we're sorry for predicting your death last week. But if you're reading this without arms, we must say we told you so.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If you feel bad because you have a funny name, screw you. Our name is fucking Cancer, for Chrissakes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will find ample empirical evidence proving true the old myth about bulls and the color red.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Kris Kristofferson will appear to you in a dream and tell you to cast off your earthly ways and follow him. At least he looked like Kris Kristofferson.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An unfortunate typo on your application results in your being accepted into the Legion Of Superherpes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you're basically a good person, you have the habit of looking to strange, random sources for guidance.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be recognized in your community for raising three healthy, well-adjusted children, as well as eight deranged, killer-cannibal children.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your shock upon learning where veal comes from is nothing. Wait until you learn where babies come from.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If your birthday is this week, multiply your calendar age by 4.8 to get your age in far more telling "Aquarius years."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be spiritually and emotionally unprepared for the events of next Thursday, though nothing particularly notable is expected to happen.

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