Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 04

Compliment Suspiciously Vague

ST. CHARLES, MO–According to area secretary Iris Sheehan, co-worker Ellen Higgins' compliment of her new hairstyle was suspiciously vague. "I asked Ellen how she liked my new 'do, and she said it was 'really something.' What the heck does that mean?" Sheehan said. "When I asked her to explain, she said, 'It just suits you really well.'" Sheehan said she has not been this upset over a vague compliment since May 1999, when a friend described her singing voice as "very energetic."

Sole Survivor Of Air Crash Has Asia's 'Sole Survivor' Stuck In Head

PORT HUENEME, CA–Ronald DeGaetano, sole survivor of the Jan. 31 Alaska Airlines crash that claimed 88 lives, has had the 1982 Asia song "Sole Survivor" stuck in his head ever since. "Goddamn it, I can't get that stupid thing out of my head," DeGaetano said. "After the plane went down, I was floating out there in the Pacific, thinking about how I was the sole survivor, and for some reason, that song popped into my head. Now I can't get it out, and it's driving me friggin' nuts." DeGaetano said that if he does not shake the song soon, he is going to "start wishing I hadn't been the sole survivor."

Police Seek Suspect In Series Of Random Later Hostings

BURBANK, CA–The Burbank Police Department is on the trail of an unnamed NBC executive believed to be responsible for a string of random Later hostings dating back to April 1996, it was reported Monday. "This brutal, senseless parade of C-list celebrities in the host's chair must end," police chief Dennis Showalter said. "We will do everything in our power to bring to justice the fiend responsible for the countless painfully awkward interviews perpetrated by the low-wattage likes of Peri Gilpin, Jerry O'Connell, and Rita Sever."

Dental Hygienist Angered By Lack Of Flossing

SCOTTSDALE, AZ–Dental hygienist Bernadette Gable was angered Tuesday by patient Richard Tepfer's failure to floss regularly. "Just look at all this plaque build-up," said Gable, scolding Tepfer during his annual teeth-cleaning. "I explicitly told you last time you were here to floss at least once a day. Why would you just ignore my instructions?" The outraged Gable then pointed toward a poster of a grotesque, bloody mouth ravaged by gum disease, asking Tepfer if he wanted to look like that someday.

Grandma Still Swallowing Okay, Grandpa Reports

BOCA RATON, FL–In an encouraging report issued Monday by Grandpa, Grandma is still swallowing okay. "Yes, Grandma is getting her food down fine," Grandpa said. "She was having a little trouble a few weeks back–especially with the turkey breast, and sometimes even with her stewed prunes, which usually give her no difficulty at all–but things are much better now." Despite the improvement, Grandpa said he "won't take any more chances" with pot roast.

Alan Keyes Admits: 'I Just Enjoy Campaigning'

AIKEN, SC–Following a speech Monday at the Rotary Club of Aiken, two-time Republican presidential candidate Alan Keyes admitted that he "just enjoy[s] campaigning." Said Keyes, a distant fourth-place finisher in the Feb. 1 New Hampshire primary: "It's a lot of fun. You get to fly around on airplanes, meet lots of nice people, and make speeches at big, fancy podiums. And sometimes, a reporter comes, and they put your picture in the paper. I only wish I could do it more than once every four years." Keyes, who has previously lost two U.S. Senate races, as well as the 1996 Republican presidential bid, added that "having your own bumper sticker is really neat."

The Bank Of Wal-Mart

The Treasury Department recently issued a new $1 Sacajawea coin, which is only available at banks and Wal-Mart. What do you think about the government making Wal-Mart an exclusive outlet for U.S. currency?
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Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    You find yourself shunned by friends when you join a tiny group that believes in such strange, unseen forces as "gravity" and "electromagnetism."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your belief in the impossibility of having a level-headed discussion on the state of American race relations only intensifies when you turn into a horse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    If you're reading this, we're sorry for predicting your death last week. But if you're reading this without arms, we must say we told you so.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    If you feel bad because you have a funny name, screw you. Our name is fucking Cancer, for Chrissakes.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will find ample empirical evidence proving true the old myth about bulls and the color red.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Kris Kristofferson will appear to you in a dream and tell you to cast off your earthly ways and follow him. At least he looked like Kris Kristofferson.
  • Libra

    Libra

    An unfortunate typo on your application results in your being accepted into the Legion Of Superherpes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Though you're basically a good person, you have the habit of looking to strange, random sources for guidance.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will be recognized in your community for raising three healthy, well-adjusted children, as well as eight deranged, killer-cannibal children.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your shock upon learning where veal comes from is nothing. Wait until you learn where babies come from.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    If your birthday is this week, multiply your calendar age by 4.8 to get your age in far more telling "Aquarius years."
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will be spiritually and emotionally unprepared for the events of next Thursday, though nothing particularly notable is expected to happen.
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