Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2005

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your one-inch punch may be powerful, but it will prove to be no match for your adversary's 750-foot punch.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will go against everything you believe in this week when you eat a steak less than an inch thick, drink a domestic Riesling, and hire a valet born outside of the British Isles.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Travel hinders your creativity when, for days after your flight, all your pottery designs refer to things you read in US Airways' in-flight magazine.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's nothing you love more than freshly baked bread, which makes you the most inhuman, boring person alive.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Many polar expeditions end in tragedy, but yours will conclude with the death of all hands before you even leave Kansas City.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will raise procrastination to an art form, providing dozens of industrious critics with a new livelihood.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Many years from now, you'll be the only living person who remembers David Lee Roth, which should not instill you with a great sense of responsibility to history.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're fond of saying that there's more that unites people than divides them, a sentiment that is proven true when the Nepalese band together to destroy you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're not fat, but your lack of motivation means that most anecdotes about you end with the phrase "around the house."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Many have felt the Love Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, but you'll experience the Love That Bellows Its Name Out A Crosstown-Bus Window All Day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.