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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your one-inch punch may be powerful, but it will prove to be no match for your adversary's 750-foot punch.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will go against everything you believe in this week when you eat a steak less than an inch thick, drink a domestic Riesling, and hire a valet born outside of the British Isles.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Travel hinders your creativity when, for days after your flight, all your pottery designs refer to things you read in US Airways' in-flight magazine.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's nothing you love more than freshly baked bread, which makes you the most inhuman, boring person alive.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Many polar expeditions end in tragedy, but yours will conclude with the death of all hands before you even leave Kansas City.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will raise procrastination to an art form, providing dozens of industrious critics with a new livelihood.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Many years from now, you'll be the only living person who remembers David Lee Roth, which should not instill you with a great sense of responsibility to history.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're fond of saying that there's more that unites people than divides them, a sentiment that is proven true when the Nepalese band together to destroy you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're not fat, but your lack of motivation means that most anecdotes about you end with the phrase "around the house."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Many have felt the Love Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, but you'll experience the Love That Bellows Its Name Out A Crosstown-Bus Window All Day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.

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