Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2005

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your one-inch punch may be powerful, but it will prove to be no match for your adversary's 750-foot punch.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will go against everything you believe in this week when you eat a steak less than an inch thick, drink a domestic Riesling, and hire a valet born outside of the British Isles.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Travel hinders your creativity when, for days after your flight, all your pottery designs refer to things you read in US Airways' in-flight magazine.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's nothing you love more than freshly baked bread, which makes you the most inhuman, boring person alive.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Many polar expeditions end in tragedy, but yours will conclude with the death of all hands before you even leave Kansas City.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will raise procrastination to an art form, providing dozens of industrious critics with a new livelihood.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Many years from now, you'll be the only living person who remembers David Lee Roth, which should not instill you with a great sense of responsibility to history.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're fond of saying that there's more that unites people than divides them, a sentiment that is proven true when the Nepalese band together to destroy you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're not fat, but your lack of motivation means that most anecdotes about you end with the phrase "around the house."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Many have felt the Love Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, but you'll experience the Love That Bellows Its Name Out A Crosstown-Bus Window All Day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.
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