Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your one-inch punch may be powerful, but it will prove to be no match for your adversary's 750-foot punch.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will go against everything you believe in this week when you eat a steak less than an inch thick, drink a domestic Riesling, and hire a valet born outside of the British Isles.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Travel hinders your creativity when, for days after your flight, all your pottery designs refer to things you read in US Airways' in-flight magazine.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
There's nothing you love more than freshly baked bread, which makes you the most inhuman, boring person alive.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Many polar expeditions end in tragedy, but yours will conclude with the death of all hands before you even leave Kansas City.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will raise procrastination to an art form, providing dozens of industrious critics with a new livelihood.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Many years from now, you'll be the only living person who remembers David Lee Roth, which should not instill you with a great sense of responsibility to history.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You're fond of saying that there's more that unites people than divides them, a sentiment that is proven true when the Nepalese band together to destroy you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You're not fat, but your lack of motivation means that most anecdotes about you end with the phrase "around the house."
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Many have felt the Love Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, but you'll experience the Love That Bellows Its Name Out A Crosstown-Bus Window All Day.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.
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