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Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2005

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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of February 9, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your one-inch punch may be powerful, but it will prove to be no match for your adversary's 750-foot punch.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will go against everything you believe in this week when you eat a steak less than an inch thick, drink a domestic Riesling, and hire a valet born outside of the British Isles.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Travel hinders your creativity when, for days after your flight, all your pottery designs refer to things you read in US Airways' in-flight magazine.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's nothing you love more than freshly baked bread, which makes you the most inhuman, boring person alive.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Many polar expeditions end in tragedy, but yours will conclude with the death of all hands before you even leave Kansas City.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will raise procrastination to an art form, providing dozens of industrious critics with a new livelihood.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Many years from now, you'll be the only living person who remembers David Lee Roth, which should not instill you with a great sense of responsibility to history.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're fond of saying that there's more that unites people than divides them, a sentiment that is proven true when the Nepalese band together to destroy you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're not fat, but your lack of motivation means that most anecdotes about you end with the phrase "around the house."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Many have felt the Love Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, but you'll experience the Love That Bellows Its Name Out A Crosstown-Bus Window All Day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.

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