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Horoscope for the week of January 12, 2005

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of January 12, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your pocket Bible will stop an assailant's bullet, but not before it passes through four innocent bystanders, a school-bus gas tank, and your genitals.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will learn a valuable lesson about strategic thinking after you write insults in your worst enemy's Advanced Judo handbook.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After traveling for months, Nashvillian monks will appear at your door to announce that you are the latest incarnation of the Dolly Parton.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Antisthenes wrote, "It is a kingly thing to do good and to then be abused," but that does not mean that you're the king.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There seems to be a universal force that balances out the good and bad events in our lives. Don't worry about it, though, as nothing ever happens to you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll never know if your "I'm With Stupid" casket was a big hit, but you have the courage of your convictions.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There will soon come a time when your happiness depends on where and whether an enormous man catches a ball.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Be assured that the Author of all Creation has a plan for you. Unfortunately, it involves a hackneyed "evil twin" plot twist you'll see coming a mile away.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You never thought you'd do anything to set the world on fire, but after a three-month arson investigation, that's what the U.N. tribunal will determine.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars have foretold a night journey over water, so get cracking on those plane tickets, pronto.

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