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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Horoscope for the week of January 12, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your pocket Bible will stop an assailant's bullet, but not before it passes through four innocent bystanders, a school-bus gas tank, and your genitals.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will learn a valuable lesson about strategic thinking after you write insults in your worst enemy's Advanced Judo handbook.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After traveling for months, Nashvillian monks will appear at your door to announce that you are the latest incarnation of the Dolly Parton.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Antisthenes wrote, "It is a kingly thing to do good and to then be abused," but that does not mean that you're the king.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There seems to be a universal force that balances out the good and bad events in our lives. Don't worry about it, though, as nothing ever happens to you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll never know if your "I'm With Stupid" casket was a big hit, but you have the courage of your convictions.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There will soon come a time when your happiness depends on where and whether an enormous man catches a ball.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Be assured that the Author of all Creation has a plan for you. Unfortunately, it involves a hackneyed "evil twin" plot twist you'll see coming a mile away.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You never thought you'd do anything to set the world on fire, but after a three-month arson investigation, that's what the U.N. tribunal will determine.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars have foretold a night journey over water, so get cracking on those plane tickets, pronto.
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