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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of January 12, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your pocket Bible will stop an assailant's bullet, but not before it passes through four innocent bystanders, a school-bus gas tank, and your genitals.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will learn a valuable lesson about strategic thinking after you write insults in your worst enemy's Advanced Judo handbook.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After traveling for months, Nashvillian monks will appear at your door to announce that you are the latest incarnation of the Dolly Parton.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Antisthenes wrote, "It is a kingly thing to do good and to then be abused," but that does not mean that you're the king.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There seems to be a universal force that balances out the good and bad events in our lives. Don't worry about it, though, as nothing ever happens to you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll never know if your "I'm With Stupid" casket was a big hit, but you have the courage of your convictions.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There will soon come a time when your happiness depends on where and whether an enormous man catches a ball.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Be assured that the Author of all Creation has a plan for you. Unfortunately, it involves a hackneyed "evil twin" plot twist you'll see coming a mile away.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You never thought you'd do anything to set the world on fire, but after a three-month arson investigation, that's what the U.N. tribunal will determine.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars have foretold a night journey over water, so get cracking on those plane tickets, pronto.

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