Horoscope for the week of January 13, 1999

In This Section

Vol 35 Issue 01

Important Piece Of Paper Tragically Smudged With Breadstick Grease

LOS ANGELES—An important piece of paper was tragically and irreversibly smudged Monday, when Los Angeles marketing executive Nelson Whittier inadvertently handled a sales-strategy proposal while eating a grease-soaked Pizzeria Uno breadstick. "Shit. Fuck. Goddamn it," said Whittier, who was giving the proposal "a final look-see" during his lunch hour when then tragic smudging occurred. "Fuck." The smudges, described as a pair of opaque, thumb-shaped stains, one on each side of the document, are believed to be permanent. Following the incident, Whittier spent the next 45 minutes holding the piece of paper up to the light and swearing loudly.

Herbie Goes Bananas

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL—Herbie, the media-dubbed "Love Bug," became entangled Monday in a series of madcap South American misadventures which ultimately resulted in his going bananas. "One minute, everything was fine, and the next, Herbie was going what I could only describe as 'bananas,'" witness Harvey Korman told reporters. The sentient 1963 Volkswagen Beetle, in Rio De Janeiro to compete in the Grande Premio auto race, reportedly went bananas after unwittingly becoming mixed up with a smuggling ring, a plucky orphan pickpocket, and an angry bull. Despite the zany, trying nature of his ordeal, Herbie said he fully intends to ride again.

A Woman In The White House?

Elizabeth Dole's recent decision to leave the Red Cross is regarded by many as a sign that she will run for president in 2000. What do you think about the prospect of a first-ever female president?

I've Wanted To Be A Sales Rep Ever Since I Was 34

I'll bet a lot of people out there are wondering how someone like me got to where I am today. How did an average guy who never had a lot of formal education and, frankly, wasn't expected to go very far, wind up making it to one of the top sales positions at the second largest distributor of bathroom fixtures in all of Kentucky? Well, I'll tell you. It happened because a man had a dream, and he never lost sight of that dream. You see, ever since I was just 34, I've wanted to be a sales rep.

Boy-Group Mania

From Backstreet Boys to 'N Sync to Boyzone, boy groups rules the pop charts these days. Why are they so popular?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Innovation

Spring

Horoscope for the week of January 13, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will discover this week that you are 1/64th Chippewa. Honor your ancient ancestors by discovering a use for every single part of the burrito.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will fail to keep your New Year’s resolution to ignore meaningless holidays and arbitrary personal decisions.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A vision of Christ will appear before you, page through His Heavenly Book Of Geminis, read your chapter to Himself, and disappear laughing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will make People magazine’s list of the 25 Most Fatiguing People Of 1998.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Unfortunately, Leo has been pre-empted this week by impeachment coverage.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    In a strange example of either Kafka-esque existential horror or your profound idiocy, you will be horrified to discover you have suddenly sprouted a second arm
  • Libra

    Libra

    The Publishers Clearinghouse Prize Patrol will cruelly prank you this week by presenting you with an enormous novelty check for 63 cents.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your near-illiteracy and slavish devotion to '70s retro kitsch cause you to shock and disturb your friends when you unveil your new Pet Cock.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Investigators from several federal bureaus will ultimately concur that the failure of an 89-cent O-ring caused you to explode over Florida.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your innocent inquiry regarding the origin of the term "panhandler" incites three bums to beat you to death with cast-iron skillets.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    When you stated last week that "nothing can stop me now," you apparently forgot about syphilis.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your fascination with the Vietnam War, combined with your love of romance novels and vampire myths, cause you to produce the worst work of fiction ever.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More