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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Horoscope for the week of January 14, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You suspect that personal feelings are taking priority over scientific endeavor when NASA announces they'll rocket your fat ass into orbit later this year.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sleep is hard to come by this week, as you struggle to understand why no one has yet come out with Jalapeño Cheese Wings.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, which makes you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're ready to put that bad relationship and all its painful memories behind you, but unfortunately, it'll be available on DVD starting next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your credulity will be stretched to the limit by the circumstances under which only you can control the giant robot.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You knew your mitochondria had their own DNA, but you had no idea that their taste in clothes was so different.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're coming to regret that, when the choice was made available to you, you went with neither hugs nor drugs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll make big news in Biblical archaeology when you find evidence that Job's trials included a four-year stint as head coach of the Chicago Bears.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've never been afraid to make bold statements concerning what you're all about, which leaves a lot of people emotionally unsatisfied by your ending.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You don't like using the words "wacky," "nutty," or "zany," but you'll find it hard to describe the inept band of crooks in any other way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your moral values foster the brotherhood of man under the fatherhood of God, which doesn't stop you from downloading tons of "mother-daughter" smut.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.

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