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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Horoscope for the week of January 14, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You suspect that personal feelings are taking priority over scientific endeavor when NASA announces they'll rocket your fat ass into orbit later this year.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sleep is hard to come by this week, as you struggle to understand why no one has yet come out with Jalapeño Cheese Wings.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, which makes you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're ready to put that bad relationship and all its painful memories behind you, but unfortunately, it'll be available on DVD starting next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your credulity will be stretched to the limit by the circumstances under which only you can control the giant robot.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You knew your mitochondria had their own DNA, but you had no idea that their taste in clothes was so different.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're coming to regret that, when the choice was made available to you, you went with neither hugs nor drugs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll make big news in Biblical archaeology when you find evidence that Job's trials included a four-year stint as head coach of the Chicago Bears.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've never been afraid to make bold statements concerning what you're all about, which leaves a lot of people emotionally unsatisfied by your ending.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You don't like using the words "wacky," "nutty," or "zany," but you'll find it hard to describe the inept band of crooks in any other way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your moral values foster the brotherhood of man under the fatherhood of God, which doesn't stop you from downloading tons of "mother-daughter" smut.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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