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Horoscope for the week of January 14, 2004

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of January 14, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You suspect that personal feelings are taking priority over scientific endeavor when NASA announces they'll rocket your fat ass into orbit later this year.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sleep is hard to come by this week, as you struggle to understand why no one has yet come out with Jalapeño Cheese Wings.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, which makes you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're ready to put that bad relationship and all its painful memories behind you, but unfortunately, it'll be available on DVD starting next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your credulity will be stretched to the limit by the circumstances under which only you can control the giant robot.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You knew your mitochondria had their own DNA, but you had no idea that their taste in clothes was so different.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're coming to regret that, when the choice was made available to you, you went with neither hugs nor drugs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll make big news in Biblical archaeology when you find evidence that Job's trials included a four-year stint as head coach of the Chicago Bears.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've never been afraid to make bold statements concerning what you're all about, which leaves a lot of people emotionally unsatisfied by your ending.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You don't like using the words "wacky," "nutty," or "zany," but you'll find it hard to describe the inept band of crooks in any other way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your moral values foster the brotherhood of man under the fatherhood of God, which doesn't stop you from downloading tons of "mother-daughter" smut.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.

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