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Horoscope for the week of January 14, 2004

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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of January 14, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You suspect that personal feelings are taking priority over scientific endeavor when NASA announces they'll rocket your fat ass into orbit later this year.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sleep is hard to come by this week, as you struggle to understand why no one has yet come out with Jalapeño Cheese Wings.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, which makes you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're ready to put that bad relationship and all its painful memories behind you, but unfortunately, it'll be available on DVD starting next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your credulity will be stretched to the limit by the circumstances under which only you can control the giant robot.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You knew your mitochondria had their own DNA, but you had no idea that their taste in clothes was so different.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're coming to regret that, when the choice was made available to you, you went with neither hugs nor drugs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll make big news in Biblical archaeology when you find evidence that Job's trials included a four-year stint as head coach of the Chicago Bears.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've never been afraid to make bold statements concerning what you're all about, which leaves a lot of people emotionally unsatisfied by your ending.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You don't like using the words "wacky," "nutty," or "zany," but you'll find it hard to describe the inept band of crooks in any other way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your moral values foster the brotherhood of man under the fatherhood of God, which doesn't stop you from downloading tons of "mother-daughter" smut.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.

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