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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Horoscope for the week of January 15, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your sex life takes a strange turn this week when you pick up a prostitute in Fargo, ND, and realize during a post-coital cigarette that she is your sister.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A court order and several dozen attack dobermans are not enough to prevent football legend Joe Namath from convincing you to give to the United Way.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The tragic deaths of your father and mother in an auto accident bring you to the lowest point of your life until you find a dollar bill lying on the sidewalk.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be nominated for a Nobel Prize in the poultry sciences when years of experimentation finally prove your controversial "To Get To The Other Side" theory.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your get-rich-quick scheme fails when it becomes evident that there is no market for self-cleaning wicker toilet seats.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your worldview is shaken this week when Anne Rice announces on national television that vampires are probably imaginary.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your weekly good deed of reading to the elderly begins to lose its luster. Try chaining them to locomotives instead.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your big night on the town comes to an abrupt end when you accidentally detonate your date's colostomy bag.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The discovery that three pieces are missing from your almost-complete 65,000-piece jigsaw puzzle will be enough to kill you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your frequent sightings of the Toilet Duck net you a guest spot on Psi Factor with Dan Aykroyd.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your special dream comes true this week when a pretty angel urinates all over your new carpet.

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