Horoscope for the week of January 15, 1997

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Horoscope for the week of January 15, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your sex life takes a strange turn this week when you pick up a prostitute in Fargo, ND, and realize during a post-coital cigarette that she is your sister.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A court order and several dozen attack dobermans are not enough to prevent football legend Joe Namath from convincing you to give to the United Way.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The tragic deaths of your father and mother in an auto accident bring you to the lowest point of your life until you find a dollar bill lying on the sidewalk.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be nominated for a Nobel Prize in the poultry sciences when years of experimentation finally prove your controversial "To Get To The Other Side" theory.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your get-rich-quick scheme fails when it becomes evident that there is no market for self-cleaning wicker toilet seats.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your worldview is shaken this week when Anne Rice announces on national television that vampires are probably imaginary.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your weekly good deed of reading to the elderly begins to lose its luster. Try chaining them to locomotives instead.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your big night on the town comes to an abrupt end when you accidentally detonate your date's colostomy bag.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The discovery that three pieces are missing from your almost-complete 65,000-piece jigsaw puzzle will be enough to kill you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your frequent sightings of the Toilet Duck net you a guest spot on Psi Factor with Dan Aykroyd.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your special dream comes true this week when a pretty angel urinates all over your new carpet.


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