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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Horoscope for the week of January 15, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your sex life takes a strange turn this week when you pick up a prostitute in Fargo, ND, and realize during a post-coital cigarette that she is your sister.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A court order and several dozen attack dobermans are not enough to prevent football legend Joe Namath from convincing you to give to the United Way.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The tragic deaths of your father and mother in an auto accident bring you to the lowest point of your life until you find a dollar bill lying on the sidewalk.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be nominated for a Nobel Prize in the poultry sciences when years of experimentation finally prove your controversial "To Get To The Other Side" theory.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your get-rich-quick scheme fails when it becomes evident that there is no market for self-cleaning wicker toilet seats.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your worldview is shaken this week when Anne Rice announces on national television that vampires are probably imaginary.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your weekly good deed of reading to the elderly begins to lose its luster. Try chaining them to locomotives instead.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your big night on the town comes to an abrupt end when you accidentally detonate your date's colostomy bag.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The discovery that three pieces are missing from your almost-complete 65,000-piece jigsaw puzzle will be enough to kill you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your frequent sightings of the Toilet Duck net you a guest spot on Psi Factor with Dan Aykroyd.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your special dream comes true this week when a pretty angel urinates all over your new carpet.
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