Horoscope for the week of January 15, 1997

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Recent News

City Adds Some Big Concrete Stairs

They’re For Sitting On Or Running Up Or Something

CHICAGO—Noting the structure’s considerable size and prominent location in a busy public park, local residents confirmed Tuesday that the city had installed some big concrete stairs that were probably for sitting on or running up or something like that.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of January 15, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your sex life takes a strange turn this week when you pick up a prostitute in Fargo, ND, and realize during a post-coital cigarette that she is your sister.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A court order and several dozen attack dobermans are not enough to prevent football legend Joe Namath from convincing you to give to the United Way.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The tragic deaths of your father and mother in an auto accident bring you to the lowest point of your life until you find a dollar bill lying on the sidewalk.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be nominated for a Nobel Prize in the poultry sciences when years of experimentation finally prove your controversial "To Get To The Other Side" theory.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your get-rich-quick scheme fails when it becomes evident that there is no market for self-cleaning wicker toilet seats.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your worldview is shaken this week when Anne Rice announces on national television that vampires are probably imaginary.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your weekly good deed of reading to the elderly begins to lose its luster. Try chaining them to locomotives instead.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your big night on the town comes to an abrupt end when you accidentally detonate your date's colostomy bag.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The discovery that three pieces are missing from your almost-complete 65,000-piece jigsaw puzzle will be enough to kill you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your frequent sightings of the Toilet Duck net you a guest spot on Psi Factor with Dan Aykroyd.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your special dream comes true this week when a pretty angel urinates all over your new carpet.